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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 07/12/2014 10:14

Actually, too, there's an assumption in a previous post that I really feel is erroneous.

I don't organise this day and impose it on my children like some sort of matriarch.

My DSs are in their 20s and don't live with me, DD is 16 - if they didn't want to come I can hardly manhandle them into a car.

They all want to do this. The chat starts a few weeks before "where are we going for lunch this year" (we always end up in the same place but there is always a discussion about maybe going somewhere different) "what time will we meet" "am I driving or are you driving" "who's turn is it to drink?"

I don't make them come. They enjoy it, they look forward to it, and there will be a wild pile of acting the tit and embarrassing their mother today. Funny walks, silly hats and generally being daft.

And if some GF somewhere is sitting with a catsbum face over that, well meh.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 07/12/2014 10:15

Thanks Cariads I'm really looking forward to it.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 07/12/2014 10:18

Last year, DS2 turned up in a silly elf hat and a pair of superman pants outside his trousers.

DS1 had a comedy christmas jumper.

DD was mortified.

We ate, drank, shopped and were merry.

T'was all good.

gymboywalton · 07/12/2014 10:32

keatspie-i think your post is excellent

Shockers · 07/12/2014 10:53

MIL treats me as a daughter; that's why I love her so dearly. She has three daughters of her own.

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/12/2014 10:58

My parents treat DH ( and the other children in laws ) the same re Christmas, but spend more on their children for their birthdays. Seems a v reasonable approach to me.

LuluJakey1 · 07/12/2014 11:11

My PIL are lovely, very kind and treat me with love and affection and generosity. But they are not my parents. I have a great relationship with them but don't think of them as my mum and dad- who are both dead now.

I don't think PIL treat me badly in any way at all. Presents are much of a muchness for me, SIL and DH. They do give DH and SIL offers of help but DH's are for us rather than him if you see what I mean and we are well enough off to not need help from them. They recently gave SIL money towards a deposit on her first house. I would not expect them to say 'Here's £10,000 Lulu because we gave SIL 10,000'.

They see SIL every day and me every couple of months- we live 130 miles from them. I certainly don't expect them to ring me for a chat every day or couple of days. None of us use Facebook. We don't text each other very often. But they are lovely and I feel like one of the family- but not their daughter and don't want to be.

WilburIsSomePig · 07/12/2014 11:31

Isn't it a shame that so much of what has been said here centres around how much money is spent on partners?

KeatsiePie · 07/12/2014 20:41

Ah thanks gymboy

CariadsDarling · 08/12/2014 06:00

Trusting you and your children had a great day Frau and your next lunch is already being looked forward to. :)

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 08/12/2014 07:14

Cariads yes the lunch was very nice but unfortunately that bitch of a mother of mine who doesn't give a shit about her grandchildren and who ishardly any sort of a grandmother because she wanted just one lunch once in almost 50 years with her daughter, well, she decided to take a stroke last night. And she has a very bad infection.

Funnily enough those grandsons that she clearly doesn't give a shit about are taking today off and coming to support me. But obviously, my family are uncaring, and I am unhinged - I believe was the word that was used.

nagynolonger · 08/12/2014 07:27

I always treat both my daughters-in-law the same as my own adult dc re presents. As a family we don't go over board with present buying. I never spend much on any adult at Christmas but do spend quite a lot on the DGC (same amount/number of gifts to unwrap). I spend a bit more on adult birthday presents but don't give my own DC more expensive gifts than their wives.

DD partner will get something this year. Last year we had only met him once and we didn't see him over Christmas so I didn't get him a gift. Have told DD I need to know what to buy him because I don't know him all that well and want to buy something suitable.

My DIL are the mothers of my GC how could I treat them less well than my own DC. I am not their mother and never want them to call me 'mum'. First name will do fine.

My mother-in-law always gave DH 3 or 4 proper presents and me a box of chocs and some tights at Christmas. The year I was pregnant with DS1 she presented me with a beautifully wrapped gift. It contained a hand knitted shawl and other baby stuff. Nothing for me at all. I always felt that me and BIL were just a necessary 'extras' required to produce their grandchildren. In that family 'blood' link was everything.

CariadsDarling · 08/12/2014 07:39

Frau, Im sorry to hear about your mum. It must be an awful worry for you.

As for nasty things said here - well you just have to treat them with the disdain the deserve and be glad your family life is not like that of the people who say the things they do. There are a lot of angry and unfulfilled people out there who aren't in a position to do anything about the things in their life causing distress so they post here and get things off their chest by proxy so to speak.

Just ignore it all and be happy with your family.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 08/12/2014 07:46

Oh and I think DS GF (you know, that one I hate so much, who's going to stand guard over any future GC and ban me from seeing them and towards whom I sound so bitter and unhinged) well, she's coming too.

I expect I should be down on my knees with gratitude that she is prepared to forgive me my terrible behaviour yesterday in having dinner with my kids and is prepared to be so benevolent as to come with DS.

CariadsDarling · 08/12/2014 07:52

Frau, it will be good for you all to be together. :)

BeggingYourPardon · 08/12/2014 14:24

My mum treats my DH as she does me and my brothers. She spends the same on him at Christmas as me and would help him at the drop of a hat as she would her own children (we are all over 30!). He is a good man though and loves her back, though her little quirks drive him up the wall.

I struggle to get on with my PIL and although we have our differences, they do treat me at Christmas and Birthdays and I do appreciate that and I'm always included as a member of the family. They are very much focused on my DH career and life etc though and very much think mine is second best. A bit old fashioned.

MyBaby1day · 09/12/2014 07:13

I think it really depends on the family, they are all so different aren't they?.

For example, if anything (God forbid) ever happens to my DM that's it, I have no other family, I am an only child and my Dad abandoned us when I was very small. So if I married I would hope they would all become my family.

A very different situation I would think to if I had a large family of say Mum, Dad, 4 siblings (who would all look out for me). So I think it depends on the set-up.

Having said that it's highly probable that my future IL's won't feel the same about me.

We'll just have to wait and see.....

As for the gifts, I think again it depends on things like income etc. but it is nice to buy one decent thing for your sil/dil, especially if you get on.

MyBaby1day · 09/12/2014 07:32

@ Frau so sorry to hear about your Mum, she must really love you. Hope you can have more time with her (I mean with her being as comfortable as possible) than you think.

Mehitabel6 · 09/12/2014 07:37

My parents and ILs have always treated us all the same. I plan to do do the same- it hadn't occurred to me to do differently ,until I read MN where people have such odd ideas!

gymboywalton · 09/12/2014 08:00

Been thinking more about this.
I would (hypothetically) give my daughter in law a kidney if it meant that my son and grandchildren could avoid the horror and devastation of losing a wife and mother.

I am also not sure why frau has taken this thread so personally when she doesn't have a daughter in law. A girl friend isn't the same at all.

MorrisZapp · 09/12/2014 08:13

When my brother had his first girlfriend I found it really upsetting to see her treated as 'another daughter'. She wasn't my parents bloody daughter!

I loved her to bits, she really was lovely, but it caused me so much resentment to see her getting nice pressies etc when times were tight and our own pressies were patchy and unpredictable.

I felt like my mum was on her best behaviour to her, as if to be some kind of idealised mother figure. Whereas we just got mum, warts, shouting and all.

I still sometimes bristle a bit when current SIL pushes the boundaries a bit. I love her to bits and I think of her in a sisterly way, but just occasionally it can hurt a bit to see a newcomer given the same status as a lifelong family member. I guess I think if you want the good times and the glory, you need to put in the tough times too.

Probably makes no sense. My mil is kind and lovely to me, but her first love is DP and DS. I can't blame her, of course her heart belongs to them.

Having said all this, my grannies absolutely adored their sons in law (my dad and stepdad), but blimey did they earn it. Lifts, pampering, general kowtowing. I'm all for just a teeny bit of distance with my own inlaws.

Blathering now. Well I know what I mean anyway :)

Hatespiders · 09/12/2014 09:41

My own late mother was very abusive and evil, and I went nc in my early twenties. My delightful mil lost her eldest daughter to some undiagnosed illness (possibly anaemia) about ten years ago, and pays me the greatest compliment of all by saying she looks on me now as 'her eldest daughter'. All this has to be translated by dh, as I don't speak much Malinke. I just wish she'd not be so in awe of me. My fil is more relaxed towards me, but we can talk together in French so it's much easier. It's so moving to have been accepted as part of the family by this lady. I gave her a pretty bottle of perfume last time I was there, and she cried!

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