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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:

gymboywalton · 04/12/2014 14:44

my mother definitely thinks of dh as another son

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:44

I distinctly remember when we got married that my Grandmother said to my husband "Welcome to the family." From that point on as far as she was concerned he was her grandchild too.

That's lovely stripeyclock my grandmother is the same too! DH is definitely a grandchild to her!

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2014 14:45

During my 19 year marriage, my DH would regularly go and spend time with his Sister, well why didn't anyone tell me that I was supposed to feel pissed off and rejected because of this?

whattheseithakasmean · 04/12/2014 14:48

YABU - what happens after a divorce? My Mum adores my DH, but say we were to split up. She would still be my mum and of course take my side, whatever she thought of my choice - it is called unconditional parental love & you only have it for your children.

My parents are divorced - I can assure you they had little contact with their previous in-laws once they split up, which I think is normal.

My MIL certainly is not my mum, she is an nasty bag. She irritates the hell out of us both, but as DH says, she gave him the gift of life so he has to ring her and check up on her - I certainly don't.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 14:49

Sometimes though, even if you don't feel the same about ILs as you do your own parents (and let's face it, some people prefer their ILs) you have to "fake it" / treat everyone equally for your partner's sake.

And whether this means present buying or batch cooking meals or helping with diy - sometimes you just have to get on with it for the sake of harmony to a point

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:50

Are there seriously DIL who would be offended if their husband saw their mother twice a year without them?

Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2014 14:52

I think of my DD's DP's as Sons, we just don't equate getting out a calculator to measure that.

I'm the same as my Son In Laws, I'm don't want cards, or presents but I take an interest in what my middle DD and her DP get for his elderly GM, because I know it means something to her.

I suppose I should feel bitter that she has more presents handed to her, by the logic on this thread.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 14:52

whatthese - a nasty bag who irritates us both?

Are you me?

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:52

Frauhelga if I was married to someone and had their children and their mother rang up and said they wanted to just see them I have to say that yes I would find it a bit hurtful. Whether that is right or wrong it is how I would feel.

OP posts:

SantasBassoon · 04/12/2014 14:53

My MIL treats me the same as she treats her daughter, and I find it embarrassing and awkward. I have a mum, who does all the mum things for and with me. My SIL must resent it too.

My mum treats my husband as family, but not as a son. She calls him 'the son she never had, and never wanted'

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:55

What about your own mother then bookbag - would you expect always to have to take your DH every time you went to see your own family?

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 14:56

Frau the only reason I would be concerned about DH spending time with his parents without me around is that I would be concerned for DH. He is more than welcome to (I've even encouraged it over the years) but as they fuck him off even more than they do me he tends to appreciate the support

Interestingly DH is quite happy to spend time with my family without me (he and dad will quite regularly go off on track days etc together).

wigglesrock · 04/12/2014 14:57

I love my pils, but not the same as my parents. My parents live my husband (we've been together for over 20 years) but he's not their child. They don't remember his first steps, words, day at school, the childhood illnesses, joys, pain, disappointment etc. My mum still does a stocking for me every Christmas as well as a present. My husband gets a present that he loves but she's not going to make up a Christmas box filled his favourite sweets, socks and silly things that he loved for years. I buy my sister more for Christmas than I buy her husband. Tbf I dont know anyone that doesn't have some kind of present "inequality" in a wider family circle.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:58

For my birthday this year my mum and dad took just me out to dinner. They didn't invite my children. In fact, my mum specifically asked I not bring them, because she wanted it to be just me and my mum and dad.

I suppose I should be mortally offended on behalf of my DC.

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:59

frauhelga I do some stuff on my own with my mum but that tends to be something that DH wouldn't like such as going to see a musical but he would always be very welcome if he wanted to come along and it would never be a case of my mum saying she only wanted me to go.

Generally other than that yes we always see my parents as a family. So for example I can't imagine that my parents would ever ring up and say "bookbag we'd like to go for a meal with you but we don't want Mr Bookbag to come we'd love to see you on your own" - I would be shocked and hurt on DHs behalf if they did

OP posts:

Original poster

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 15:01

Well your family do sound very different to mine frauhela My mum would crawl over hot coals to spend time with her grandchildren and it wouldn't feel much like a family occassion without them.

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 15:03

bookbag what if there was a family tradition of twice a year, mother and children only dinners and it pre-dated your arrival on the scene. And it carried on. And no one had ever suggested to the MIL that it changed. As in, your DH never said "can I bring x". Who would you have the issue with? Your MIL, who is carrying on as she always has, or your DH who wasn't prepared to ask if you could come?

TBH it has never occurred to me to invite DSs GF, but I will now. She can come if she likes - but given that no one has asked me in five years, I expect it's not an issue.

DS isn't exactly backwards in coming forwards and I would hope if he had a problem with it, he'd have told me before now.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 15:04

bookbag my mum won't see my next birthday. She wanted it to be me and her and my dad. Would you REALLY have said no mum, not happening, I'm bringing the kids?

whois · 04/12/2014 15:05

I think it would be strange if my parents started treating DP the same as they treat me.

I've been in their lives for nearly 30 years and DP only for 8 years.

I am their blood. He is not.

He has his own parents anyway, he doesn't want/ need a second set and likewise I don't want his parents to treat me like they treat their own children.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 04/12/2014 15:05

My DPILs do treat me as their daughter, but I recognise that that's a rare and special privilege. My DP treat their DIL/SIL like

dinkystinky · 04/12/2014 15:05

My mum thinks of DH and BIL as her sons, I think of MIL as another mum

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 15:08

She wanted to tell me she loved me. Me. Not my kids, just me. She wanted it to be me and her and my dad, because I am the eldest and she didn't think she always gave me a fair crack of the whip, or my fair share of her time, for various reasons, and she wanted to tell me.

And she wanted to treat her daughter to dinner. Even though she couldn't eat it and the shit and vomit was running out of her. Because she knows it will probably be the last time.

And if you honestly don't have enough compassion to see that was the right thing to do, I truly despair for your in laws.

Lima1 · 04/12/2014 15:09

My PIL treat both myself and DH exactly the same at Christmas, we both get NOTHING!!. Actually, seriously we get a small 2 selection box between us.

They get our 3 kids about 50 in presents between them but they expect us to spend about 100 each on them for Christmas.

My mam will usually give me 100 and she buys DH tshirts and a box of his favourite biscuits prob about 40. She gets him a birthday pressie, my PIL just give me a card.

Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 15:12

Frau (((((un-MNetty hugs)))))

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 15:13

As a one off or off the cuff thing I wouldnt find it hurtful...but a regular meal excluding long term partners I would find odd.

Just to flip this, I always tried to treat mil the same as my own DM in terms of including I would never of dreamed of excluding her at big imp times, or have her sat opening a small token gift and dm something else....

but things were always more fluid and organic in our house, not regimented.

i am staggered about people being expected to buy for each other or in laws to be honest....

it drains the fun out of xmas.

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