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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents in-law should treat their sil/dil the same as their own children

322 replies

bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 13:42

I've been quite surprised by a couple of threads on here where parents in-law seems to obviously treat their DIL/SIL differently to their own children.

One where the MIL paid for her SIL to go on holiday with them but not the DIL and one where the MIL spent loads on xmas presents for the son but hardly anything for the DIL.

I find this really hard to understand. My parents have always treated DH as they would their own son. We always get the same things offered to us and the same amount spent on us. I think they would be embarrased to give me say £100 worth of gifts and DH £20 worth. If they said they would pay for me to go on holiday but DH had to pay for himself I would be really offended and we wouldn't go.

My DCs are only little but I certainly plan to treat their spouses as one of the family. It seems horribly excluding not to do so doesn't it?

OP posts:
ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:27

Because the relationship between a parent and a child should be something special, unique, unconditional.

Absolutely and when that child chooses a life partner, and someone they love and are serious with you should make your best effort to include that person and give them respect.

Chunderella · 04/12/2014 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 04/12/2014 14:28

I don't think how we behave is "rubbish" hmm it's how we choose to behave.

Nobody said that the behaviour was 'rubbish', just that your assertion that everyone should do things the way your family do is.

Hobby2014 · 04/12/2014 14:29

My mum treats us the same, mil doesn't.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:29

I expect the family dinners will stop or she will be included as will grandchildren

after 5 + long years of being excluded I wouldnt count on anyone wanting to be at the family dinners or her suddenly thinking wow, I am in the circle of trust now I am, I can come to the hallowed family meal....

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:30

We also did with partners photos, but my mum and dad wanted (as did we) pictures with just us. Our wee family. They're likely to be the last ones ever taken of us as a family because my mum is terminally ill.

But sure, it's all about excluding people, not about giving my family a nice memory - me, my mum, my dad and my siblings. Of course a DIL and a partner must be in those photos. Funny how the bride had tears streaming down her face when they were being taken and gave me a huge hug and kiss after, huh?

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:30

With regards to wills I think I would actually assume that the money was just going to go to our family anyway rather than it be left to say half me and half DH so I don't think it would bother me in that instance really.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 04/12/2014 14:31

Shake I wouldn't expect to be named in IL's will EVER. Tbh I'm not convinced DH will actually be named in IL's will. But - meh- so what? Life is too short to worry about these things. We are hugely independent from IL's so, truthfully, does it really matter?

My parents have had "the discussion" with the 4 of us (DH and I, DSis and DBil) about their wills. They have said what they are leaving to each (slightly uneven as they gave my DSis £ towards an investment some years ago), and that, although DSis and I will be the ones named, that any money etc left is for the 4 of us (ie as 2 couples). In terms of material possessions, it is very much a case of "have what you like" - the boys have been included in this, just as I imagine future grandchildren will be.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:31

well no not funny if your mum is ill.

anyway just be careful...it seems to me to be a receipe for long term disaster...

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:32

any DIL who has a problem with a son having a lunch twice a year with his mother on his own, or with his brother and his sister, needs to give her head a wobble.

ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:33

I wouldn't expect to be named in IL's will EVER. Tbh I'm not convinced DH will actually be named in IL's will. But - meh- so what?

Same here, and if my dp leave me something, it will go to the familys over all benefit, as in my family...if there was something special they wanted dh to have i would be delighted.

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:33

But frauhelga how will you feel if your sons gf becomes DIL and has a baby and then the baby, her and your DS are her wee family and they want you left out of photos?

OP posts:
ItsBeginingToLookAlotLikeChris · 04/12/2014 14:33

yes frau and any mother who only sees her son and has chat alone twice a year needs to give head a wobble.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:35

Yeah, but according to the OP we were excluding DIL and partners??

Nope, we were doing something we wanted as a family. One of my siblings lives abroad, and the next time we see him will be for my mum's funeral (if he can even make it) so I don't see an issue with a family group that excluded DIL or partners in any way.

But, of course, the bride concerned may have been just faking how emotional she was. And DSs GF (who was there, and on the same table as the rest of the family) may have felt dreadfully excluded, and the hugging she did of DD while the photo was being taken must all have been an act, coz I'm a terrible wicked person, right?

Balls.

Cerisier · 04/12/2014 14:35

Actually I am with you OP. My parents treat DH and me the same and my PIL treat us both the same too. It has been this way since we got married 25 years ago. I hadn't really thought about it until reading this thread but it has made me realise how lucky we are. I will definitely do the same for my DDs and any SILs.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 04/12/2014 14:36

If they want a photo of just them, then that's fine.

There were also other group photos taken on the day, there were thousands of photos taken. But to have just them taken as their own wee family - not a problem why on earth would it be?

MaryWestmacott · 04/12/2014 14:36

OP - my PIL treat me well and spend about the same or just a little less at christmas/birthdays to DH, my parents the same with DH. However, I know when my parents wrote their will recently, if they both die, their estate is split between me and my brother 50/50. Neither my DH or my DB's DP (soon to be married) are mentioned. If I die before my parents, my share doesn't go to DH, it goes to my DCs. I believe PIL's wills say something similar, I wouldn't get DH's share if he died before PIL.

I am only part of PIL's family because of marriage, if that marriage ended, my 'membership' of their family would to, albeit with an added complication of DCs.

Ask many of the long term divorced woman on here, even if they got on fine with their MILs before divorce, most aren't seeing their exMILs regularly - or anywhere as regularly as their exMILs see their DS's.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 04/12/2014 14:36

If you take your obsession with £££££s and prezzies out of the equation OP, do you feel (emotionally) the same towards your MIL as you do towards your own parent(s)?

Exactly.

That's why they don't feel the same about you.

PS I don't even know or care what is in my own mother's will. It is her money to do with as she pleases.

noitsachicken · 04/12/2014 14:36

I agree with you OP, and the OP is talking about presents, not walking over hot coals or saving from a fire.
My parents spend the same on my DH as me, and on my sil as my brother (down to the last penny!).
It's different when it's a bf/gf who has only been around a little while, but a long term partner should be treated the same I think.

Stripeyclock · 04/12/2014 14:37

My in-laws treat us equally and so do my parents and Grandparents. We get the same amount spent on us for gifts etc.

I distinctly remember when we got married that my Grandmother said to my husband "Welcome to the family." From that point on as far as she was concerned he was her grandchild too.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/12/2014 14:37

My dh is South African, and their culture is to call their mil 'mum'. I don't , I use her name, as I would consider it disrespectful to my own mum, to call someone else that.

Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2014 14:39

Does age and income make a difference?

I have three DD's, two with DP's.

I support them practically and emotionally equally.

When my eldest was in her 20's, I would still pick up things that I know she would like, I got my two elder ones Lypsy Bathrobes, slippers and other bits and bobs (then extra for the younger ones). Her DP was handed one present and chocolate.

The elder ones DP, doesn't care about cards/presents, earns three times more than me and double what my DD earns.

My middle DD is 19 and on ML, so me and my youngest DD are treating her and have just done so on her Birthday.

Again, her DP is a decent earner and other than DVDs and the odd X Box game, doesn't want anything.

I would have to hand my DD one present to "make it fair", which I'm not going to, or hand her DP a load of crap he doesn't want.

Now my eldest is turning 30 and earning better, I have cut back on buying "bits", only chocolate, which she likes, on top of a present.

My Neice, who is hard up, I still give a few presents to, as I do to her toddler son.

My children aren't fixated on how much money is spent.

I feel like the poor relation, when compared to my children's partners families, but I have more time to give when my eldest has children, or needs a favour doing. I will be a hands on Nan and support them both.

Again, we are a predominantly female family, my Son In Laws answer "are you mad?" If we ask them to come shopping/sightseeing.

We do, Farmageddon etc, yearly, all together, but again, I wouldn't see my DD's if I waited to include their Partners.

Original poster
bookbag40 · 04/12/2014 14:42

dranksangria I'm not quite sure where you get the fact that I am obsessed with money from. It was more about generally treating ILs the same and I suppose presents was just one example to use.

I don't feel the same about my in-laws but I am extremely fond of them and whilst it is true that I don't love the in the same way as I do my parents that doesn't mean I can't treat the the same i.e. inviting them to the same things and Shockspending a similar amount on gifts etc

OP posts:
gymboywalton · 04/12/2014 14:42

i am with you op
my parents in law give me equal gifts to my husband and my mum buys dh equal presents to me.
i am the mother of their grandhildren fgs!

i would find it very odd if i got a pot of talc and dh got a mountain of gifts!

DoJo · 04/12/2014 14:43

I agree with you OP, and the OP is talking about presents, not walking over hot coals or saving from a fire.

But the OP is equating the monetary value of presents given to the level of inclusion someone has in the family,hence the slightly extreme examples to show how she might be mistaken.

She had stated that she would be offended if her in-laws didn't give her gifts to the same value as her husband, which I think is the problem. If your in-laws make you feel like part of the family and welcome you into their home, then isn't assessing the value of the gifts given to you and judging their affection for you based on that a little cynical?

The example of an iPad vs a Body Shop gift basket is one which doesn't compute for me - if that happened to us I would assume that my in-laws know fine well that we would share both gifts equally and be equally grateful, rather than getting offended that the gift was ostensibly given to my husband rather than me.