Possibly Not Taking Kids on an Amazing Holiday...... WWYD?

[19lottie82]

Sorry this is kind of long!

I’m 32 and have recently got married to my DH, after 4.5 years together, who has 2 girls (14 and 10) who we have 50% of the time, we all get along really well so no problems there.

The girls mum is a recovering alcoholic, who sorted herself out about 2.5 years ago, and now works, and has them 50% of the time. She is doing a bit better, but still pretty useless in terms of providing for the girls (we buy pretty much everything, despite her promises to buy ½ school uniforms etc, it never happens). She has promised that she will take the girls to New York in 2015 to her cousins wedding, but based on past experience, I really can’t see it.

My IL’s have a small holiday home in the Algarve, so the girls get taken there every year without fail, which they love. The girls love it and it’s really great as it means we can all have a break with only budget flights and spending money to cover. Also, the kids are not spoilt, but they do not go without in terms of gadgets, clothes pocket money. I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.

About two years ago my OH and I went to Florida for a week together, without the kids, I felt a bit guilty, but it was the only holiday we had taken together, ever, and when we were looking for a week in Europe, a very cheap deal popped up (as it was term time I guess), so we grabbed it. The kids didn’t seem that fussed (they have been before), but I did feel a bit bad going without them.

Then last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present), I don’t think the kids would have even wanted to go to these locations and it was our honeymoon, so I don’t feel too guilty about going away without them, but obviously, on paper, it was a child free holiday.

At the moment we are all in my flat that I bought before I met my DH, it’s a bit cramped but we are trying to make do and save up for a deposit on a house so we can upgrade to a larger place, nearer the girls school and friends. We will need a minimum of £15k, and have £3.5k so far.

So, anyway, my Dad and my DSM are moving to San Francisco shortly for 2 years. He has spoken about my DH and I going to visit, an told us he has enough Avios (air Miles) to “pay” for our flights whenever we want to go over for a visit and they have a 2 bed place, so we can stay there, no problem. Great!

However, the dilemma is, I would feel really guilty about going away without the kids again, especially to America, but the problems are…..

1. My Dad isn’t overly keen on children, and it would be a bit of a squash with all 6 of us in a 2 bed place. If we asked, I know he wouldn’t say no they couldn’t come, but I wouldn’t impose all of us in his place for 10 days, so I guess the plan would be spend 5 days there, then hire a car for 5 days and do our own thing (California theme parks, maybe?). This obviously would cost.
2. The “free” flights for my DH and I that my Dad is offering will be available on a few select dates only. Realistically, the chance of getting them in the school holidays, is slim to none, so to cover 4 flights during the holidays would be about £3200.

So, to cut to the crunch. Dh and I have the chance of a free holiday, we would love to take the girls, but if we do it’s going to cost us upwards of £5000, basically all our savings, when we are trying to save for a house deposit.

Also, I haven’t had any serious discussions about this with my DH, but he has already mentioned in passing to the kids about us all going there on holiday at some point, but I don’t think he has considered the cost implications (he does this a lot).
I will feel a total bitch if we can’t take them, but I think at the moment our financial priority should be focusing on the house. It’s kind of a heart vs head situation!

WWYD? Help!

I don't mean this to sound harsh but just ask yourself the following question.

If they were your children would you take them?

I don't know what the answer to that question is but that's how id think of it. I can see all the logistical issues so actually even if they were your own children you would still have the same dillema.

I'm not sure the OP is getting 'honest' opinions and is instead getting a pasting from people who are enjoying giving her a pasting. You can disagree with her plans without extrapolating that she hates her step kids and is a terrible step mother.

FWIW OP, I'd go, and I'd go if they were my children or step children. Assuming they are well cared for whilst you are away. They are old enough to understand that you are going to visit your father, probably in term time and that there isn't room for them to stay with him.

Its the 3 rd such extravagant trip in a short period, but if all the op wanted was justification that it's ok then she's not going to get it from me.

which you've made pretty clear. So it might be worth stopping posting now?

OP, I think on this occasion you should go alone - explain to your dad that you want to factor the girls in and as you are saving up for a deposit you can't pay the extra for them (nor do you expect him to!), but hopefully next time you can all come together. And then your DH can explain to the girls what's happening - he really shouldn't have told them anything until you had it finalised.

His kids are now your kids in a sense aren't they? I'd find it hard zipping off on another big holiday without the DDs and you say you feel rotten. You also doubt the ex will keep her promise to take them to NYC next year. It's kind of your DF but he's still thinking in terms of 19lottie82 plus 1.

You're trying to do the right thing but it's difficult. If only DH hadn't blurted it out!

It's a tricky one but I think I would go. It doesn't sound like a trip the girls would particularly enjoy - unless you go to a lot of expense to make it child friendly, and as you say things are much cheaper if you go during term time.

However perhaps your DH should come back after a week to look after his DCs and you could stay on with your parents.

I think you should go on your own OP and leave dh at home to have quality time with his children.
Then if you want to be a family with the children you should treat them as family and in future, family holidays.

I know you pointed out the fact that when you went to Florida without the dc at the time they were your bf children and you weren't living together as such. I can see this and I would have left them with their mum under these circumstances.
However, now there is no excuse, you should include them in your plans.

"10 days is a bit too long without them can you go for 5 days?"

Not really, the flight is so long, it wouldn't really be worth it. It would take 2 days to get over the jetlag. A week would be the minimum. We would prob go for a week if it's just my DH and I, but 10 days if we had the kids.

Yeah the 50/50 is a week on a week off. If we were to go, we would obv make up the time with them when we got back. If we had the choice of dates for the flights we would select them for when the girls were with their Mum.

Wow, I don't know many parents who don't go away without their children sometimes.

My children know that they won't always come away with us. My stepson has never been bothered either.

We have a family holiday if we are feeling flush, but there are also trips away to family members/weddings/work stuff with benefits/grown up fun stuff etc. that they children wave us merrily away to.

It would never occur to them that they should accompany us on every trip we take.

I disagree that 10 days is long without them. Its not even two weeks.

If this were me i would go but organise a holiday with the girls on your return.

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I think the first port of call is to have a proper chat with my DH and see what he thinks.

I will suggest a possibility is I go alone and we plan a family trip in 18/24 months to visit and do Cali etc too, which will give us time to take on some extra work, make cut backs, and save up.

Actually if you could manage it in a week when you don't have the children then this seems less bad somehow. If it were in place of a family holiday I'd probably say don't go.

You have been on two expensive holidays without the children this year, which was fine as that's what you wanted to do but that money could have been put towards the new house. You also have a holiday in Portugal which costs money. I think you should either all go and then start saving or just you go and keep your house fund.

X-posts. That sounds like a good plan :)

But ultimately, I will leave the ball in his court.

If the reason for your visit is to see your df but then you spend a good chunk of time out there not in fact seeing him because you are away with dh and the children,then it might be worth considering whether there is a better use for the money, and just go out for a short visit to him on your own.

I think, bearing in mind all of the factors you've mentioned - previous expereinces of the girls, other long hauls being before you married etc the trip should either be viewed as you visiting your dad and you go alone or as a holiday in which case you all go.

A pp said they go away once a year and leave their children behind who they have 100% of the time - I actually think that's very different and the dynamics of a step family can be delicate. 10 and 14 are funny ages.

Having said, that, I don't think it would be completely unreasonable for you and your husband to go alone, but personally speakingm I'm not sure I would do that - doesn't make it right or wrong though.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you and DH to have holidays on your own now and then, and even annually if you can afford it and it's during term time.

But personally I wouldn't be in a hurry to go to San Fransisco. Your Dad will be there for 2 years, so there's plenty of time. You've had a few nice holidays recently if I've read your OP correctly, and I would try and save some more money for the flat for a year or so. I know your Dad is covering travel and accommodation, but holidays still cost more than "normal" life, sightseeing etc. I'd maybe consider going there in a year or so, just before he comes back.

id just go with your dh without kids.

Eva50, 1 holiday (honeymoon) this year (which again, was a gift). The other one was 3 years ago (I stated 2.5 but it will be 3 years next month)

Every year DH, DD & I have a foreign holiday. We don't take DSD. Our holidays are planned with DD in mind and DSD didn't fancy them.

Every year DSD went on holiday with her mum. Now she is taking holidays alone (Ibiza eek!)

We also spend time at our caravan and with my parents, again never been a problem for DSD.

Ask them OP. Tell them it's a visit to your dad and see if they are actually interested in going. When we were going to to Disney we told DSD about it and she said she wouldn't want to go. Your DSC May be the same about San Fransisco.

I wouldn't and in fact I don't. Dh and I can get very discounted flights through work and have family living in florida, Canada and Australia who would love us to visit and stay with them, however, we can't currently afford to take dc so we don't go. I would rather spend the time with dc doing nice things as the reality of a cheap holiday is you'll spend money on meals out, day trips, shopping etc. We saved and took dc to Canada last year but I just wouldn't consider going without dc. Dh suggested new York for my birthday but we decided to take dc to euro Disney and go to NY when dc are older.
I think it's personal choice but dc are only young For a short time. I just wouldn't.

interesting to see how the opinions are split here, seems to be pretty much 50/50! Thanks again to all, I'll post back once I have come to an agreement with my OH (and the kids).

Ah cross post OP.

I know people who go away every year without their (biological) DC - they also go with them. It's not something I have ever considered, but it certainly doesn't make them bad parents.

OP - I would separate the discussions. Yes, it would be nice for you all to go to California together sometime, if you can save for it once you are in your new home, but that is a separate thing to the trip to visit your dad, which is only viable during term time and because your father is funding it - therefore it's only going to be you and DH. As for whether the DC will resent it - who knows, but the sooner you start talking about it the better you will be able to judge their reactions - and if it seems that it will really upset them too much, maybe you could "bank" the offer of the avios points for a while until you can afford to take them too?

Also, it really won't be many years before the girls don't want to come on holidays with parents anyway, then you can have as many trips without them as you like.