Possibly Not Taking Kids on an Amazing Holiday...... WWYD?

[19lottie82]

Sorry this is kind of long!

I’m 32 and have recently got married to my DH, after 4.5 years together, who has 2 girls (14 and 10) who we have 50% of the time, we all get along really well so no problems there.

The girls mum is a recovering alcoholic, who sorted herself out about 2.5 years ago, and now works, and has them 50% of the time. She is doing a bit better, but still pretty useless in terms of providing for the girls (we buy pretty much everything, despite her promises to buy ½ school uniforms etc, it never happens). She has promised that she will take the girls to New York in 2015 to her cousins wedding, but based on past experience, I really can’t see it.

My IL’s have a small holiday home in the Algarve, so the girls get taken there every year without fail, which they love. The girls love it and it’s really great as it means we can all have a break with only budget flights and spending money to cover. Also, the kids are not spoilt, but they do not go without in terms of gadgets, clothes pocket money. I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.

About two years ago my OH and I went to Florida for a week together, without the kids, I felt a bit guilty, but it was the only holiday we had taken together, ever, and when we were looking for a week in Europe, a very cheap deal popped up (as it was term time I guess), so we grabbed it. The kids didn’t seem that fussed (they have been before), but I did feel a bit bad going without them.

Then last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present), I don’t think the kids would have even wanted to go to these locations and it was our honeymoon, so I don’t feel too guilty about going away without them, but obviously, on paper, it was a child free holiday.

At the moment we are all in my flat that I bought before I met my DH, it’s a bit cramped but we are trying to make do and save up for a deposit on a house so we can upgrade to a larger place, nearer the girls school and friends. We will need a minimum of £15k, and have £3.5k so far.

So, anyway, my Dad and my DSM are moving to San Francisco shortly for 2 years. He has spoken about my DH and I going to visit, an told us he has enough Avios (air Miles) to “pay” for our flights whenever we want to go over for a visit and they have a 2 bed place, so we can stay there, no problem. Great!

However, the dilemma is, I would feel really guilty about going away without the kids again, especially to America, but the problems are…..

1. My Dad isn’t overly keen on children, and it would be a bit of a squash with all 6 of us in a 2 bed place. If we asked, I know he wouldn’t say no they couldn’t come, but I wouldn’t impose all of us in his place for 10 days, so I guess the plan would be spend 5 days there, then hire a car for 5 days and do our own thing (California theme parks, maybe?). This obviously would cost.
2. The “free” flights for my DH and I that my Dad is offering will be available on a few select dates only. Realistically, the chance of getting them in the school holidays, is slim to none, so to cover 4 flights during the holidays would be about £3200.

So, to cut to the crunch. Dh and I have the chance of a free holiday, we would love to take the girls, but if we do it’s going to cost us upwards of £5000, basically all our savings, when we are trying to save for a house deposit.

Also, I haven’t had any serious discussions about this with my DH, but he has already mentioned in passing to the kids about us all going there on holiday at some point, but I don’t think he has considered the cost implications (he does this a lot).
I will feel a total bitch if we can’t take them, but I think at the moment our financial priority should be focusing on the house. It’s kind of a heart vs head situation!

WWYD? Help!

I see no problem with your taking this holiday with your DH and leaving the children at home. My DH and I have always had a long weekend or a week away without the children ( even when we were not that well off) just to e together and recharge batteries. It will be difficult with all of you in our father's small flat and the last thing you want is to spend all that money you have not really got and then end up not enjoying yourselves.
There is no reason you have to take your children, be they your own or step children everywhere you go - I'd take them camping or to a cottage for a week later instead.

You'll quickly learn, OP, that DSMs are viewed by some posters as the very devil on AIBU. FWIW my DP and I always took our DSC on any holiday we went on abroad - we even made sure we honeymooned within a few miles of their DM's house so that we could see them and have them at the weekend as it was still termtime. This was greeted with sour mutterings about how 'lucky' we were to be able to afford to go away - actually it was often quite a struggle to find airfares for everyone and we had to save.
Anyway - YANBU, especially as your DF is paying and you think he would prefer the trip to be just you and your husband. As your host he deserves some consideration as well. So long as your DH and you don't start throwing hissy fits when the girls go away with their mother and her side of the family then that's fair enough.

From my personal perspective I would not go on holiday without my children. I am also a foster carer and so have children coming and going, but while they are with us (if even for a short while) any holidays we take will always include them. If for instance, there were legal reasons why the foster children could not travel abroad, then we would holiday in the UK. It's just what I personally believe, but that doesn't make it right, others will think differently. I know I just couldn't leave any child behind, as for me holidays are about families, and I have found they are great bonding experiences, and contain memories to share forever.

I note your eldest step daughter is now 14. A couple of years in the future and she will have to be dragged kicking and screaming on any holiday with you both (LOL), well at least my teenagers had to be! So little time left for family holidays really. Maybe that should be considered in your discussions with your DP.

I wish you well in whatever you decide to do, no decision is wrong as long as everyone is consulted and happy with the decision. Have a lovely time!

Lottie, your DC are old enough to weather a proper explanation about budgets. I really don't see why you shouldn't have a family meeting, explain the costs of saving for a better house vs an extra holiday. You can add in the possibility of a trip to New York in one/two years' time, maybe even start a family fund box that the kids can add to :)

From what you've said, they are pretty mature & reasonable. They might not even pick NY as the 'saving' destination; they might decide they'd rather save for a caravan instead after moving house!

Crikey - I don't think I'd let DS decide where we went on holiday or we'd be off to Disneyworld every flippin year. Also why on earth should the OP and her DH pay for the ex to go on holiday - that makes no sense at all.

There is more than one parental relationship here. The OP's 70 year old DF has offered a kind thing which is to host his DD and her DH and to use his airmiles to pay for the majority of their flights.

I'm not sure that a 10 yr old and a 14 yr old will enjoy hanging out with your DF and as you have said it will cause your DF some stress. It will also add considerably to the cost of your holiday, not just air fairs but amusement parks etc.

OP is planning to do it a week that the SDDs are with their DM anyway, so I can't quite see what the huge issue is.

If we had the funds and more importantly the childcare to support it DH and I would be off without DS like a shot for an adult oriented holiday. I went to Rome with friends last year and it was amazing but I'd love to go with DH - I'm off to Madrid in a few weekends with a friend and again it's a trip that DH would enjoy too.

I'm with mcdoodle if these were your own DC would you leave them at home every time you found a cheap hol?

I'm guessing not

Are the airmiles expiring soon? If your Dad is going out there for 2yrs, what's the panic now? You've just come back from honeymoon....

Why not go when the girls are almost 12 & 16? Or have a conversation with them then about the realities of the family finances?

My parents used to go abroad without us all the time from when I was about 8. Didn't bother us. No steps involved either so it's not even like we were at home with a parent, we were with an amah (local nanny/maid).

I don't see anything wrong in you doing this.

It is irrelevant whether OP would still want to go without these children if they were her own.

They aren't her own, and the fact is that they have another parent, which is really quite significant. Clearly, they wouldn't have that if they were OPs own children, so it would be a completely different situation.

I actually think it would be quite rude and unfair to OPs father if they were to ask if the children could come. If he wanted to invite them to his home he would have done, but he probably just wants to be able to spend a bit of tome with his own daughter without someone else's daughters being the focus of the trip.

And I hardly think it's shocking that you honeymooned without your children.

My parents live abroad, flights are about £1k each minimum.

I fully intend to leave my kids with their other GP when they are older and go on a lovely holiday to my home country and visit my parents. Kids can go when they will a) appreciate it and b) not be nightmares on the 30 odd hour journey.

Good thing they are my kids and not steps hey!

I'm with mcdoodle if these were your own DC would you leave them at home every time you found a cheap hol?I'm guessing not

I can't imagine these odd, smothering families where nobody has an independent holiday, but until this thread I would have thought it vulgar to refer to them as such.

Reading the vitriol and projection, I'm happy to comment that I think it's perfectly healthy to go on holiday without being joined at the hip to parents or children.

It seems a very unsophisticated viewpoint.

I think its perfectly acceptable to go without them. They actually haven't even been invited. Once they earn their own money they can go wherever they like but until then, they should appreciate the once a year family holiday in the Algarve. Why do you feel the kids need to match the adults? I know they would love to go but it's not affordable and they have a lifetime to travel if they so wish.

This to me stems from Florida, I understand from your point of view but I think your DH at the time should have vetoed this destination. I would not be impressed if DP and myself separated and he went to Florida with new girlfriend and without DCs. If Florida had not of happened then I would be yanbu but because of Florida this is now two American visits without them instead of you visiting your dad. If New York will not happen because of money could you help subsidise their trip to New York with them knowing this and still cheaper than you taking them to US.

Good thing they are my kids and not steps hey!

You're absolutely right - nobody bats an eyelid if it's your own kids, even though there'll be posters leaping up and down stating that you'd never leave your own kids at home. Well, actually, yes you might, especially if you know damn well that they get to have a holiday in Portugal every year. They're hardly deprived.

riveravon I agree with what you say about family holidays in general, they are the best makers of memories, but the OP does do regular family holidays with her DSDs.

Our DC often go away without us - on cub camps and school trips. They've been away in total for over a month without us - weeks here and there. We've only been away for three nights without them in thirteen years and one of those was for a funeral.

Just as it is very important to have bonding holidays and shared experiences with our DC it's important to have them with our DPs. I worry a bit that once DC are gone, we might feel a bit at a loss just on our own, and think it would have been better to have spent some time together. The OP's DSDs will be with their own mother, not palmed off on someone.

monte no projection here: Own DC, one DH, only ever married to each other, no SC on either side.

This is not just one holiday, the OP makes a habit of holidaying without her SC. SC have had a shitty time and whilst they do have another parent it's quite clear the OP knows that that parent won't be stepping up to the plate and taking her kids on "an amazing holiday" anytime soon.

The DC need to feel part of a functional, secure family and holidaying together at least on occasion is part and parcel of that.

OP I think you should take the girls with you if they would like to come.

They holiday together regularly, in Portugal.

The OP has very right to visit her father and holiday without the children.

She sounds incredibly thoughtful and generous.

OP I think you sound lovely for worrying about this. You obviously care very much about your stepchildren and how they will feel. As others have said, if you were asking this question about your 'own' children, I think you would get a much more measured response.

Unfortunately in life, things aren't always fair, everyone doesn't always get what they want, and sometimes kids have to learn that. I can remember my parents going away without us several times when we were young, I'm not emotionally scarred by it. In stepfamilies there seems to be much more focus on how the children will feel about things than in intact families for some reason, sometimes to the detriment of the feelings of everyone else in the situation.

I have a SS and if my parents invited me and DP to visit them abroad, in their home, and didn't specifically invite SS, then I wouldn't think twice about going, their home, their choice who they invite. If they had invited him, then DP and I would ask him if he wanted to come, and try and work out finances etc if he did. And I don't think that makes me a horrible person.

As a Step parent and a bio parent I say you and DH should go alone. The DSC get a holiday every year to Portugal. That's quite a treat for many people.

It will be much more expensive in many ways if you all went. Of course, school term time limits dates of travel too.

We have all kinds of holidays in my family. In summer me, DH, my DS and DSS went off for a week and a half. DH then took his younger DS away for a few days city break in the UK.

Me and DH get to go off for long weekends now and again - and now DS is mid teens I plan to increase those. If these trips fall over a weekend when DSS/s should be here, then we can change around.

I am going away with a friend for a week shortly. I took my DS away for a week last summer.

It doesn't have to be all of you all the time. It'll be good for DH and the DSC to understand this.

Despite their DM not being up to much in the way of fun times for the girls - they are in reality only 50% your responsibility. Their DM should step up and be a parent too.

I can't see what's wrong with going to visit your dad when the girls are at school and it's their mum's week to have them.

It would be more unreasonable to take them out of school in termtime, expect their mum to change weeks to suit your holiday plans and blow the money you've saved for the bigger house.

Oh ffs, just go, with your husband, to visit your father.

It's perfectly normal and healthy to take holidays without your children. Some posters on MN think it's wrong to ever leave your children, ever, for a holiday or overnight or wedding, but really... it's perfectly fine. They're old enough to be left.

And discuss with them why you're going without them, but do not make it their choice. They are children. I don't know many children that would pick the stability and practicality of saving for a new house over a fun holiday.

This is not just one holiday, the OP makes a habit of holidaying without her SC.

How in the? She went on her honeymoon without the children, and they went on holiday years ago without them, when her and her husband were still dating and it would have been inappropriate to bring his children. I wouldn't call that a habit.

I took the OPs comment re algarve and the girls getting taken, to mean that they were taken by their grandparents without the OP and their father.

If I have misunderstood and the OP does in fact holiday with the SC annually then I agree the position is different .