Possibly Not Taking Kids on an Amazing Holiday...... WWYD?

[19lottie82]

Sorry this is kind of long!

I’m 32 and have recently got married to my DH, after 4.5 years together, who has 2 girls (14 and 10) who we have 50% of the time, we all get along really well so no problems there.

The girls mum is a recovering alcoholic, who sorted herself out about 2.5 years ago, and now works, and has them 50% of the time. She is doing a bit better, but still pretty useless in terms of providing for the girls (we buy pretty much everything, despite her promises to buy ½ school uniforms etc, it never happens). She has promised that she will take the girls to New York in 2015 to her cousins wedding, but based on past experience, I really can’t see it.

My IL’s have a small holiday home in the Algarve, so the girls get taken there every year without fail, which they love. The girls love it and it’s really great as it means we can all have a break with only budget flights and spending money to cover. Also, the kids are not spoilt, but they do not go without in terms of gadgets, clothes pocket money. I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.

About two years ago my OH and I went to Florida for a week together, without the kids, I felt a bit guilty, but it was the only holiday we had taken together, ever, and when we were looking for a week in Europe, a very cheap deal popped up (as it was term time I guess), so we grabbed it. The kids didn’t seem that fussed (they have been before), but I did feel a bit bad going without them.

Then last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present), I don’t think the kids would have even wanted to go to these locations and it was our honeymoon, so I don’t feel too guilty about going away without them, but obviously, on paper, it was a child free holiday.

At the moment we are all in my flat that I bought before I met my DH, it’s a bit cramped but we are trying to make do and save up for a deposit on a house so we can upgrade to a larger place, nearer the girls school and friends. We will need a minimum of £15k, and have £3.5k so far.

So, anyway, my Dad and my DSM are moving to San Francisco shortly for 2 years. He has spoken about my DH and I going to visit, an told us he has enough Avios (air Miles) to “pay” for our flights whenever we want to go over for a visit and they have a 2 bed place, so we can stay there, no problem. Great!

However, the dilemma is, I would feel really guilty about going away without the kids again, especially to America, but the problems are…..

1. My Dad isn’t overly keen on children, and it would be a bit of a squash with all 6 of us in a 2 bed place. If we asked, I know he wouldn’t say no they couldn’t come, but I wouldn’t impose all of us in his place for 10 days, so I guess the plan would be spend 5 days there, then hire a car for 5 days and do our own thing (California theme parks, maybe?). This obviously would cost.
2. The “free” flights for my DH and I that my Dad is offering will be available on a few select dates only. Realistically, the chance of getting them in the school holidays, is slim to none, so to cover 4 flights during the holidays would be about £3200.

So, to cut to the crunch. Dh and I have the chance of a free holiday, we would love to take the girls, but if we do it’s going to cost us upwards of £5000, basically all our savings, when we are trying to save for a house deposit.

Also, I haven’t had any serious discussions about this with my DH, but he has already mentioned in passing to the kids about us all going there on holiday at some point, but I don’t think he has considered the cost implications (he does this a lot).
I will feel a total bitch if we can’t take them, but I think at the moment our financial priority should be focusing on the house. It’s kind of a heart vs head situation!

WWYD? Help!

I know where Davis is, though never visited it. Since it is a university city, there will be plenty to do there. And public transport will be at least reasonable. There will be links to SF and Sacramento at a minimum.

If you were there for 10 days with kids, you could break it up for a few days here and there.

That way you would only be at your Dads for 2-3 days at a time before you all get a break from each other. You could leave most of your bags with your DF, and travel with just what you need for a day or two.

For example:

• Public transport to SF, stay there 1-2 nights in 'budget' accommodation.
• Trip to Scaramento - downtown is lovely. I'm sure there is lots to do there, it is the State capital.
• Trip to Tahoe - stay 2 nights in budget accommodation... You probably need a rental car for this. There is plenty to do in Tahoe summer or winter.
• Yosemite is just 3.5 hours away, and is pretty spectacular. Also recommend an overnight here.
• Napa Valley - only an hour away - though not so interesting for children. But we did manage to get ours to suffer 2 hours of wine tasting. But they were so bored.
• Marine World in Vallejo is about 45 mins drive. There is fun park with rides as well as Dolphin/Killer Whale shows, etc. We spend a full day here.

The internet is your friend, there is so much to do in Northern California.

Those are just the things that immediately comes to mind for me.

Whatever you do, make sure YOU get to visit, either with DH, DH and DSD, or just by yourself. It is an amazing holiday destination.

Although the lure of a decent holiday at low cost (if just you and DH went) must be very enticing I would give it a miss.

You would be using savings that could get you into a decent house quicker and you have had a run of more than adequate holidays

I'm afraid I'd be investing in the house savings right now. The move is going to be a time consuming and demanding project, perhaps for all concerned, but should end in a place which is suitable for your whole new family and new start. Even if I was being funded to go on another long-haul holiday, if I was your new DH I would be pretty unimpressed by being made to choose between the family home, you, and where the buck stops and with whom when it comes to having inescapable responsibility for his school age DCs. I'd think you didn't really 'get it'- in very many situations, most parents don't realistically get free choices all that often, be it for financial or other reasons.

So she shouldnt see DFather for a few years then?

I would go on the holiday. My parents went away without me pretty regularly and I never begrudged it (both together when I was little and with their respective partners - and sometimes step children - later on).

If I could afford it I would happily do the same. It would be lower down my list of priorities than a family holiday but assuming we'd be able to afford both I can't really see the issue.

I don't understand why it would be selfish? Surely being a parent doesn't mean never doing anything without your children? that would send me slowly insane, much as I adore my 2 sometimes I like doing things without them.

It doesn't even seem like the OP really just wants to go without the kids - just that it's not practical, logistically or financially. So maybe she's a better mother (step or otherwise) than me .

He is there for 2 years if I understand correctly. If he is fit and well he could use his Avios for himself to come and see the family or indeed to go somewhere else on holiday and meet them all there and stay with them for a family break that fits with school demands. There should be a little more time to make plans to go and see him - for example, if the DSCs are due to go to New York in 2015, why not try to put together firmer and organised plans about that nice and early, and about travelling and having adequate leave at the same time (yes, I do know SF is not all that near to NYC).

If he is not in good health then that may well change many things, and also the focus of the trip. Any reasonable spouse would have a different understanding of that I think.

But I know what my parents, or my ILs, would say/think if I was wanting to commit to a wedding, a holiday in Asia, a house deposit, and also a holiday that would be a bit beyond means if the whole family were to be accommodated, all in the same short period... or is that just my family?!

Go and enjoy! My parents went on short breaks and hols when I was little and was left with DGP- I LOVED it, and they got some adult time. I have never considered that they did anything wrong.

OP, you're only mistake was using the expression "amazing holiday" in your title. Had you put "possibly not taking kids to visit overseas step-grandparent" I think this thread would have been much quieter, calmer and more reasonable.

What you are talking about is visiting your father. Totally and utterly fine.

What was NOT fine was your DH making any comment, suggestion or even a hint that there was a possibility to his kids that they might just be going along too. Foolish.

Bearing in mind your inner turmoil (unjustified but lovely) I actually think I would go solo so that it really genuinely is visiting your dad. Then the money saved by your DH not going gets put towards the move, which sounds, on the face of it, a priority - certainly more important than your DH going along too.

But I know what my parents, or my ILs, would say/think if I was wanting to commit to a wedding, a holiday in Asia, a house deposit, and also a holiday that would be a bit beyond means if the whole family were to be accommodated, all in the same short period... or is that just my family?!

If I was paying for it myself they would know it was none of their business.

We go away without the kids. It's perfectly OK to choose to do that. The OP's step kids can't go when the flights are available, because of school. If their mum went away with a new partner while the OP and her DH had the kids, would that be a no-no too? Usually people on here would say 'go for it' to the mum.

Plus the jet lag would be really shitty for them.

*But I know what my parents, or my ILs, would say/think if I was wanting to commit to a wedding, a holiday in Asia, a house deposit, and also a holiday that would be a bit beyond means if the whole family were to be accommodated, all in the same short period... or is that just my family?!

If I was paying for it myself they would know it was none of their business.*

Agree with primal. But, also, OP's DF is going to give her airmiles so she wouldn't have to pay anyway. It would be a real shame not to take the opportunity, as well as hurtful to her DF.

I think it's fine, the OP isn't BU but I do want to give another perspective here which I don't think has been mentioned yet.

My mum died young - I was 14 - and my dad's dreams of a retirement spent travelling with her were snatched which is obviously very sad. He met a total of three women over a 17 year period who he would constantly go on holiday with. I'm talking 7 or 8 holidays a year: he was obsessed. I felt like I was constantly saying slow down, but no - to the point where he wanted to split up with his partner but couldn't because of the holidays.

I barely saw him. Then he died.

I can understand the ops case is different as she's visiting her dad but in general I think some time as a family at home is what is needed here.

I can understand the ops case is different

Yes, completely different. More akin to the fact that she should see her dad, rather than stay at home.

He mentioned it to his kid's. You need to sit down with the 14 yr old and have a talk about it.

Must add: I was an adult when my parents moved abroad. It was incredibly difficult for me,and I lived for the times I could go out and visit. There is no moral reason, whatsoever, that the OP should not go and see her dad. The kids will be at home with their mum.

I have RallTFT but I don't see what the problem is, they get a nice holiday once a year, they don't live with you full time, you haven't got children so enjoy some child free time with your husband .... I must have missed something to warrant all these YABUs!!

Primal - no need. I acknowledged it was different and I encouraged the OP to see her dad - BUT, they are recently married with two teenagers and as far as I can gather have gone abroad without the teenagers three times in a very short space of time.

Never being in one place can be massively detrimental to building productive relationships and I don't think I was BU to point this out.

shareacokewithnoone - going on holiday a couple of times in 2 years is not 'never being in the one place'.

No, I agree, but they do seem to have taken a lot of holidays in a short space of time. To be honest I don't know why you want to give me such a hard time over this as I acknowledged from the start the OP wasn't being unreasonable and I hope she has a great time! It's just that it is something that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet - so I did.

I'm not sure what to say now as I'm worried anything placating I try to say will exacerbate the situation as you keep on and on at me for just giving a view and I don't think it's an offensive thing to say?

'If I was paying for it myself they would know it was none of their business' - absolutely, but see the OP:

" last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present) "

And the Avios won't cover the whole family; the option of staying with parents when over there would not really be ideal if 4 people turn up (either for the host or the guests); and there will still be the question of extra tax etc if the option is accepted.

Weddings are usually quite an outlay whoever pays for them.

What if the situation were reversed and a relative of the DH invited him the same distance and his 2 children for a while, for a wedding or a stag do, say, but a) wasn't really, truly keen on having the new spouse coming with them, b) it was at a time that was not easily going to be convenient for the DW, and c) the holiday would still necessitate taking a bite out of the family finances but not really have benefits for all the family members?

But the holiday won't take a bite out of family finances if it's just her and DH. OP seems very reasonable, so no reason to think she wouldn't be absolutely fine with it if situation were reversed.

I think Op should go alone if it's just about seeing her dad. But it's not really is it because she says it'll be much better if her DH comes along and it then becomes a lovely holiday.

I would say that the girls are old enough to be fed up with you both going to exciting places when they get the same place in Portugal every year. It might sound spoilt but just because it's abroad doesn't make it special, it's just the nice family holiday same as Butlins or Devon Coast or whatever.

I do get that parents can go away without their children. I just don't think they should get nicer holidays than their children.

Vote for you going alone for a shorter visit to see your DF, and saving for the property.

If you both go, even without flight costs and accommodation for part of the time, it will be expensive. And you/your H will be using up annual leave.

Just a thought, have you considered offering the dsd's the proposed trip to see an elderly couple and visit museums etc while they are with mum, versus a weekend at alton towers/ chessington etc? I know what I'd have chosen at their ages ??. I know you're probably not looking to bribe them, but sure you'd like to spend time with your dad when you can, with or without dh, and thought you all may feel better if they get a treat and feel step mum and dad are happy to do something just for them on their return. Also would be alot cheaper and wouldn't hold you back from saving towards a home for you all as much as taking all of you to the usa.

When your dad gets to age 70 you should be cherishing every second of quality time you can get with him. I think you should go for as long as you can and without the children. The only awkwardness I can see in the holiday situation to date so far as the children are concerned is first =how it must make their mother feel given that she never provides holidays for them and second - would the children not benefit from time alone with dad?. The fact mum has promised a dream trip in 2015 would have me easing up on holidays before then. Shoe horning them into a trip to visit your dad might come across as if you/your husband were thumbing your noses at her.DH needs to be sat down with your budget sheets.