Possibly Not Taking Kids on an Amazing Holiday...... WWYD?

[19lottie82]

Sorry this is kind of long!

I’m 32 and have recently got married to my DH, after 4.5 years together, who has 2 girls (14 and 10) who we have 50% of the time, we all get along really well so no problems there.

The girls mum is a recovering alcoholic, who sorted herself out about 2.5 years ago, and now works, and has them 50% of the time. She is doing a bit better, but still pretty useless in terms of providing for the girls (we buy pretty much everything, despite her promises to buy ½ school uniforms etc, it never happens). She has promised that she will take the girls to New York in 2015 to her cousins wedding, but based on past experience, I really can’t see it.

My IL’s have a small holiday home in the Algarve, so the girls get taken there every year without fail, which they love. The girls love it and it’s really great as it means we can all have a break with only budget flights and spending money to cover. Also, the kids are not spoilt, but they do not go without in terms of gadgets, clothes pocket money. I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.

About two years ago my OH and I went to Florida for a week together, without the kids, I felt a bit guilty, but it was the only holiday we had taken together, ever, and when we were looking for a week in Europe, a very cheap deal popped up (as it was term time I guess), so we grabbed it. The kids didn’t seem that fussed (they have been before), but I did feel a bit bad going without them.

Then last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present), I don’t think the kids would have even wanted to go to these locations and it was our honeymoon, so I don’t feel too guilty about going away without them, but obviously, on paper, it was a child free holiday.

At the moment we are all in my flat that I bought before I met my DH, it’s a bit cramped but we are trying to make do and save up for a deposit on a house so we can upgrade to a larger place, nearer the girls school and friends. We will need a minimum of £15k, and have £3.5k so far.

So, anyway, my Dad and my DSM are moving to San Francisco shortly for 2 years. He has spoken about my DH and I going to visit, an told us he has enough Avios (air Miles) to “pay” for our flights whenever we want to go over for a visit and they have a 2 bed place, so we can stay there, no problem. Great!

However, the dilemma is, I would feel really guilty about going away without the kids again, especially to America, but the problems are…..

1. My Dad isn’t overly keen on children, and it would be a bit of a squash with all 6 of us in a 2 bed place. If we asked, I know he wouldn’t say no they couldn’t come, but I wouldn’t impose all of us in his place for 10 days, so I guess the plan would be spend 5 days there, then hire a car for 5 days and do our own thing (California theme parks, maybe?). This obviously would cost.
2. The “free” flights for my DH and I that my Dad is offering will be available on a few select dates only. Realistically, the chance of getting them in the school holidays, is slim to none, so to cover 4 flights during the holidays would be about £3200.

So, to cut to the crunch. Dh and I have the chance of a free holiday, we would love to take the girls, but if we do it’s going to cost us upwards of £5000, basically all our savings, when we are trying to save for a house deposit.

Also, I haven’t had any serious discussions about this with my DH, but he has already mentioned in passing to the kids about us all going there on holiday at some point, but I don’t think he has considered the cost implications (he does this a lot).
I will feel a total bitch if we can’t take them, but I think at the moment our financial priority should be focusing on the house. It’s kind of a heart vs head situation!

WWYD? Help!

I've read the whole thread and can't believe some if the shitty responses you've had Op, completely uncalled for. I don't know one single person that doesn't have a separate holiday to their DCs, either time together with their DPs or with friends. The kids don't miss out as they are also taken on family holidays, as yours have.

Go with your DH, enjoy the time with your DF , which I agree trumps saving for a deposit. A house will always be there, your DF won't.

Also, your DF is 70 and lives in a 2 bedroom flat, to even consider taking them is madness. He doesn't have the space, it would be massively inconvenient to him. It would be rude of you to suggest it really

The only problem is your DH mentioning it to the kids already and I'd be pissed off at this tbh. They are old enough to explain the situation and you both need to do this, I'm sure they will understand. They are at school, they will be with their mum, there's not a problem really is there.

Go and have a fab time

'I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.'

Quite rightly so! These poor girls don't sound like they have a lot of consistency from their mum, and so deserve it all the more so from their father!

Just let me ask; Would your father be offering up a holiday for 'just you two', if those girls were your daughters by birth, so his grandchildren?
I've been on the receiving end of this from my father and stepmum as a child, and let me tell you it hurts.

A one-off break I'd say brilliant, enjoy- but a third foreign holiday without them really doesn't sound like parents, it's what my child free career friends do- because they don't have ties. Your dH has ties. And since you married him, so do you :-)

We have just been away for the first time without our DCs to a fantastic destination. Was forced upon me by well meaning DH and friend (who held the fort) to have some me time. Turns out it was fab! My kids survived (youngest is 10). They haven't had a holiday this year-it's not something we do every year. I think other posters are reading far too much into this-not all families, whatever their structure, get away year in year out and as a complete unit. You take the girls away abroad already. Go and visit your dad-they will cope. Explain why they are not going. Your DH is a Pratt for discussing it with them beforehand but they are old enough to understand.

Given that the first foreign holiday was to Florida where the girls had already been without OP and her DH, and the second was their honeymoon, I think it's pretty mean to throw these back at her as reasons why she shouldn't accept her DF's invitation.

I would go, just the 2 of you, OP and stop feeling guilty about it - there really is no need. You have a right to visit your elderly DF and take your DH with you. Taking the DC's will add considerably to the cost, not just in times of flights taken in school holidays, but extra travel around the area and activities to keep them amused, and even paying for accommodation when you stay somewhere else, which rather defeats the object of staying with and spending time with your DF. And, as someone said upthread, if it was 10 days in Hounslow, you wouldn't be going through this angst (I was thinking of a mining village in central Poland, myself), but because it is the US, and seen as a holiday destination, it is seen as a problem. But the DCs have already been to the US which is more than most children have.

Also, the DC get an annual holiday in Portugal which is and to me that seems far more inviting than a week at Butlins.

I also don't think you should shorten the visit; it is a long way to go for less than 10 days. The DCs will just get to spend 3 extra days with their own mother when they will be at school anyway - not exactly the hardship that some posters seem to enjoy portraying.

The only person at fault here is your DH who should not have mentioned it to the DC without discussing it with you first.

I agree you have a right to visit your dad- just make it clear to your step daughters that you are only going to visit your dad with airmiles he is providing, as you are having to put all other money towards a deposit. Then take them away with you next time you are able to afford it

Just let me ask; Would your father be offering up a holiday for 'just you two', if those girls were your daughters by birth, so his grandchildren?

Possibly not.

It would be a completely different situation. There would be the issue of childcare, which I'm assuming isn't the case here as the dc live half with their mum anyway.

I think grandparents get a rough deal sometimes, in relation to their children's step kids.

My own no longer speaks to one of her sons because of her 'unfair treatment' of his step kids. He met someone, had a whirlwind romance and a year later was living with his gf and her 4 kids (aged between 6 and 15). He instantly expected them to be treated the same as my nans 3 existing grandchildren. My nan felt no differently about these children than she does about children or grandchildren of friends - she was kind to them, got them a card and token gift on birthdays and Xmas...but she was fully expected to jump straight into the active grandparent role that she took with her other grandchildren, who she had known and loved since birth.

It's unfair and unrealistic IMO.

Bloody hell. Your first mistake was being a stepmom.

I can only imagine the posts you would have got if you posted when you and your DH were dating saying you wanted to take the children on holiday with you during term time. I'm sure there would have been plenty of "who do you think you are?", "stop trying to be their mother" and "it's too soon".

Fwiw I'd go. It's likely to be term time, it'd be rude to ask your dad (you'd basically be saying his gift isn't good enough) and you obviously care. The honeymoon to se Asia was also a gift so it's hardly like you are splashing the cash.

You'll be very lucky to get an air miles flight to US though, I travel a lot through business and have built up 750,000 Avios but have never been able to get a West Coast or any reasonable US destination to use any of them.