Possibly Not Taking Kids on an Amazing Holiday...... WWYD?

[19lottie82]

Sorry this is kind of long!

I’m 32 and have recently got married to my DH, after 4.5 years together, who has 2 girls (14 and 10) who we have 50% of the time, we all get along really well so no problems there.

The girls mum is a recovering alcoholic, who sorted herself out about 2.5 years ago, and now works, and has them 50% of the time. She is doing a bit better, but still pretty useless in terms of providing for the girls (we buy pretty much everything, despite her promises to buy ½ school uniforms etc, it never happens). She has promised that she will take the girls to New York in 2015 to her cousins wedding, but based on past experience, I really can’t see it.

My IL’s have a small holiday home in the Algarve, so the girls get taken there every year without fail, which they love. The girls love it and it’s really great as it means we can all have a break with only budget flights and spending money to cover. Also, the kids are not spoilt, but they do not go without in terms of gadgets, clothes pocket money. I think my DH tries to make up for their useless Mum, in some ways.

About two years ago my OH and I went to Florida for a week together, without the kids, I felt a bit guilty, but it was the only holiday we had taken together, ever, and when we were looking for a week in Europe, a very cheap deal popped up (as it was term time I guess), so we grabbed it. The kids didn’t seem that fussed (they have been before), but I did feel a bit bad going without them.

Then last month we went away without them on our honeymoon for 10 days, round SE Asia (paid for by my parents as a wedding present), I don’t think the kids would have even wanted to go to these locations and it was our honeymoon, so I don’t feel too guilty about going away without them, but obviously, on paper, it was a child free holiday.

At the moment we are all in my flat that I bought before I met my DH, it’s a bit cramped but we are trying to make do and save up for a deposit on a house so we can upgrade to a larger place, nearer the girls school and friends. We will need a minimum of £15k, and have £3.5k so far.

So, anyway, my Dad and my DSM are moving to San Francisco shortly for 2 years. He has spoken about my DH and I going to visit, an told us he has enough Avios (air Miles) to “pay” for our flights whenever we want to go over for a visit and they have a 2 bed place, so we can stay there, no problem. Great!

However, the dilemma is, I would feel really guilty about going away without the kids again, especially to America, but the problems are…..

1. My Dad isn’t overly keen on children, and it would be a bit of a squash with all 6 of us in a 2 bed place. If we asked, I know he wouldn’t say no they couldn’t come, but I wouldn’t impose all of us in his place for 10 days, so I guess the plan would be spend 5 days there, then hire a car for 5 days and do our own thing (California theme parks, maybe?). This obviously would cost.
2. The “free” flights for my DH and I that my Dad is offering will be available on a few select dates only. Realistically, the chance of getting them in the school holidays, is slim to none, so to cover 4 flights during the holidays would be about £3200.

So, to cut to the crunch. Dh and I have the chance of a free holiday, we would love to take the girls, but if we do it’s going to cost us upwards of £5000, basically all our savings, when we are trying to save for a house deposit.

Also, I haven’t had any serious discussions about this with my DH, but he has already mentioned in passing to the kids about us all going there on holiday at some point, but I don’t think he has considered the cost implications (he does this a lot).
I will feel a total bitch if we can’t take them, but I think at the moment our financial priority should be focusing on the house. It’s kind of a heart vs head situation!

WWYD? Help!

I'd go, especially as it's to visit your father. Your relationship is important too, as well as your relationship with your children, step or your own.

I'm going on a 6 night holiday soon without my children. I wouldn't go if we hadn't already had a family holiday, but we have. Also my two DSs have had school trips abroad, and a camping trip with my DH. They will be staying with GPs, and well looked after, and they love time with their GPs.

I wouldn't feel guilty, you are providing well for your children, and time away as a couple can be important.

You sound like a great step mum lottie

You obviously feel guilty even though you protest otherwise. Is there likely to be any room, either financially or with annual leave, for a family holiday at any point? If, by taking these holidays, even at little or no cost, you are depriving the girls of time relaxing with their father than yabu. It is n't so much about the extravagance or otherwise of the breaks themselves as how you see fit to spend the time. Maybe in 2 years' time you could save up to take them on a holiday of their choice, be it CA or somewhere lese?

These aren't tiny children who can't be left - and they will be spending time with their own mother (with whom they live 50/50) - I really don't see the big deal.

In my family we often have separate holidays - we don't expect to be together 100% of the time and we each respect that we have different interests etc. My DS & DH went off for a week without me recently, it didn't bother me at all - why should it? DS understands that DH and I sometimes go away.

These children already have very nice holidays in Portugal so it isn't as if they are missing out on holidays is it?

You sound so thoughtful and are clearly tying yourself in knots trying to be fair and generous.

Adults are perfectly entitled to holidays without children. I have had many without mine and they're not in therapy yet.

They do lots of things I don't do.

Of course you should go. If your dad is there for a while and it's wonderful then perhaps plan another trip in a year or so as well.

Wishing you a fantastic guilt-free time!

I'm sorry since when are dissenting voiced told to stop posting with only those in agreement and soothing the op allowed to continue. My continued posting is in response to the op continued excuses.
Op you have clearly dcided to go despite misgivings and feeling rotten, so just go but don't expext everyone including the important ones that are the children to agree or like it or be happy. They're kids fgs, just because there mother may or may not take them in holidays doesn't mean you should exclude them from your family holidays.

I think maybe I'm being stupid, but I can't see where the OP has had two extravagant holidays in the last year which she's not taken her stepchildren on. All I see if her honeymoon (which I think it's reasonable to not take kids on) and a holiday two years ago when she wasn't even living with DH, and presumably wasn't saving for a family home.

I also think some people are getting too emotionally invested in this and the OP is getting a stupidly hard time. I also think people aren't taking the reality of international families into consideration. She's not swanning off to lie on a beach. She's seeing her DF. My DStepsis lives in Australia. She has two kids. It's not feasible for her whole family to come over here regularly, so she's come over once with the kids, and once solo to visit her DM. It never occurred to me that this would be a bad idea - just what their family can afford.

Maybe just the OP go without her DH? But I don't think it's a massive thing if he goes too.

i love getting away without the children. As long as they get holidays too, its fine.

OP I think you sound lovely, and it's a dilemma because it's difficult and there's no easy solution. But ultimately you are entitled to see your father and there are limited funds - the DCs are old enough to understand that. You sound like a caring step mother, but you shouldn't go without seeing your father because of step children. Perhaps you could go for 10 days and your DH come for a week so he doesn't miss out on his time with the girls?

Ps if you want to minimise impact on step kids, why don't you go for 10 days but your DH flies back after a week (ie in time to see his kids as scheduled?) then you get some alone time with your dad, you get your DH there for the bulk of the trip AND your DH gets some quality time with his kids alone too.

Snap hermione!

I think you have the kids 50% of the time. I would go and visit your dad. But. Would make it clear it's not a holiday as such. You are visiting and your dad is paying for you. Explain how you would love to take them but tugs time it's just a dad visit. Make sure you also take them on holiday, even if it's just camping so they know you still want to spend time with them

Jesus, the sort of shit the OP has had to put up with from macdoodle and co is exactly why I'm getting beyond fed up with MN these days.

OP, I think what you're suggesting is perfectly fine. Book it, go, have a wonderful time and let certain posters on here sit and stew in their smug self-righteousness about what a dreadful person you are, based in their misinterpretation of a few posts in here.

"I'm not sure the OP is getting 'honest' opinions and is instead getting a pasting from people who are enjoying giving her a pasting. You can disagree with her plans without extrapolating that she hates her step kids and is a terrible step mother."

^This^

I love on here how people jump to ridiculous assumptions from a few lines of writing about one specific event/incident in their life.

Sit down with the girls and discuss it?

Do they want a trip to the US but stay in the flat longer. Ask if they think it's fair.

Offer to send the girls and their mother somewhere the same 10 days, give them a budget of £1000/£1500 and let them decide where they want to go. Yes it will cost you more than a 'free' trip but it wouldn't cost as much as taking the girls and they get a holiday with mum out of the deal.

macdoodle
"I'm sorry since when are dissenting voiced told to stop posting with only those in agreement and soothing the op allowed to continue. My continued posting is in response to the op continued excuses."

Dissenting hasn't been a problem, personal attacks are not on.

"Op you have clearly dcided to go despite misgivings and feeling rotten, so just go but don't expext everyone including the important ones that are the children to agree"

She is going to talk to her DH about it and go from there, so she has taken all posts on board.

Eva how has the OP had 2 expensive holidays this year? One was a paid for honeymoon and the other (Florida) was over 2 years ago which she stated fairly early on in the thread.

Anyway, it's almost certain that the kids won't be able to go anyway as the trip will be in school time.

Having a chat with your DH is all very well, but if he's already mentioned it to his children without discussing it with you, or finding out if his FIL would happily welcome them, I wouldn't trust that he's going to be entirely reasonable about it.

I don't think you'd be doing anything at all wrong by going without the children. I go away without my own children sometimes, and as long as they get a holiday abroad as well and all their needs are met it's a non issue.

These children have a mother who has a responsibility to provide for them as well, and if your DH is already providing more than his fair share then anything the children feel they are missing out on is not his or your fault.

I think saving for a bigger home is going to be of far more benefit to these children than a short trip to the US to stay with their step grandparents, and if you are putting the children first, then providing them a suitable home is a much bigger priority than providing them with two foreign holidays within a year.

Personal abuse ffs

Macdoodle

It was "personal attack"

You do seem to be projecting quite heavily.

As the thread goes on and more people give the benefit of their expereinces - particulalry of step families - I'm now veering towards saying go. I think.

The fact that the responses have been so split does kind of indicate there is no right or wrong answer to this.

I think this a tricky dilemma because I can really see it both ways. We go on holidays without our older kids but we didn't when they were younger. I think on balence though I would try and explore the possibility of taking them. It sounds like you might not be off on a big holiday for a while and it won't be long before they are too old to want to come with you.

If you plan a long way ahead then you should be able to use your avious points in the school holidays. Especially if you go completely out of season for example in the march half term break.

I love San Francisco and I think it's a brilliant place to take kids especially teens.

At 10 and 14 your DF might not be too bothered about your step kids being 'children'. At that age it's very different from when they are rowdy messy little kids. Also, at that age it's not to hard to keep them out and about a lot of the time. It's not as though you would have to spend every moment in your parents company. I really enjoy guests who go out exploring on their own in the day time and then come back in the evening to catch up with the days events.

You could even allocate a couple of days where you hang out with your parents and your DH takes the kids to do something they want to do.

Does your parents flat have a seperate dining room or study where you could set up a couple of air beds for the kids. You could buy them when you get there?

You could also then plan a few nights away. There are plenty of cheap but reasonable places you can stay in the states. I'd give the CA theme parks a miss though as it would be a lot of travelling and expense.

You really don't have to take your DSC on every holiday, especially if it's to visit your own parents.