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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

194 replies

Bardette · 13/06/2014 11:30

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

OP posts:

DoJo · 13/06/2014 11:39

What is it about him kissing them that makes you uncomfortable?

Honestly, I can't imagine how you could ask him not to kiss them without 'causing a scene' especially as it sounds as though you are basically accusing him of behaving inappropriately with your children. Perhaps you need to think about what's bothering you before even contemplating approaching him.

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2014 11:41

Surely if the kids weren't ok with it, they'd pull away or say "Eww yuk!"...that kind of thing?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/06/2014 11:42

I'm not sure on this one - I think I would have to see the kiss to judge if it made me uncomfortable or not.

A quick peck on the forehead or something...fine......
A long lingering kiss...not so fine.

I don't know how you could approach it though unless you were just blunt to the point of asking him not to kiss them.

ikeaismylocal · 13/06/2014 11:42

Is he doing it in a nice way or to tease them? If he is doing it nicely then yabu.

How ald are your kids? if they are 13 maybe he shouldn't be kissing then but if they are 3 I think it's a very normal thing to do.

Why are you worried about him kissing them? Is it a germ thing or a concern about sexual behaviour issue?

Idontseeanyicegiants · 13/06/2014 11:49

Well no child should he kisses if they're uncomfortable with it but if they like it then how does it harm them?
Is he an affectionate chap all round?
I hesitate to ask but will do anyway, if it was a female friend would you feel the same way?

Linskibinski · 13/06/2014 11:49

Hmm gut instinct has to be the way forward on this one I think. Do you have any other concerns? I wouldn't be comfortable with it if I'm honest. I don't think it's appropriate because I don't think it has a place during rough and tumble. Kiss hello, kiss goodbye fine anything else is just a bit over familiar. I would feel the same for a man or a woman. But ultimately it is your call, tricky though.

CoffeeTea103 · 13/06/2014 11:57

Unless he has given you very good reason, I don't think it's a good idea. What kind of kissing is it?

Original poster

Bardette · 13/06/2014 12:21

They are 4 and 7. It's really hard to pinpoint why it makes me uncomfortable. It's the sexual appropriateness that bothers me (not germs). I think it's that it doesn't seem to be part of the game - like some games where you kiss them all over and they giggle, that wouldn't bother me.
He kisses them on the face, maybe if he's been swinging them round he'll then kiss them a couple of times before putting them down.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2014 12:25

You see his kissing as a sexual thing?

ikeaismylocal · 13/06/2014 12:25

I would imagine he is copying what his own parents did, I think it's hard to know what is appropriate with other people's kids and often the only reference we have is our family life and the way we interact with family is very different to how we interact with friends.

I hug and kiss my friend's kids if we are snuggled reading a book, not a mouth kiss, but a kiss on the hair or the cheek.

RiverTam · 13/06/2014 12:28

oh - well, your last post just makes it sound like that's how he expresses affection to the DC.

Is he British? Does he come from a culture when people in general just are very affectionate with children in general (I'm thinking Italian, Greek, that kind of culture).

If your DC don't mind I don't think it's a problem - if they do mind, of course, then he needs to stop.

DenzelWashington · 13/06/2014 12:29

This is impossible for us to answer as we haven't seen it. In the abstract, the kissing could be mere affection or sexually-motivated and wrong. We just can't know. All I can say is it isn't plainly wrong and it certainly isn't wrong or suspicious only because a man, rather than a woman, is doing it.

You have to decide based on what you have observed him do.

DamnBamboo · 13/06/2014 12:31

OP, you need to work out if your kids are bothered by this.
Either bring it up somehow in conversation or observe their body language or what they say.

If they don't like it, he shouldn't be doing it.

treadheavily · 13/06/2014 12:45

I think you should trust your instinct. He is behaving in a way that leaves you feeling uncomfortable. To the point where you are asking strangers on the web what to do.

Whether it was kissing, or tickling or language or whatever, if an adult's behavour to my children left me feeling uneasy, I would limit contact.

I don't think you have to justify yourself. When it comes to your kids, it's up to you to draw up boundaries.

Mabelface · 13/06/2014 12:49

How would you feel if it was a female friend doing it?

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2014 12:51

So he throws them round and then plonks a kiss on their cheek

Totally normal, stop being weird - there is nothing 'sexually inappropriate' about that

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2014 12:53

And actually kissing 'games' where you kiss someone all over is a bit more misjudged, so the fact you think that's ok leads me to believe that you've got your instincts back to front.

Rideronthestorm · 13/06/2014 12:54

Good grief, OP, nothing wrong with it at all. Weird that you think there is.

Lottapianos · 13/06/2014 12:55

'So he throws them round and then plonks a kiss on their cheek'

I do this with my friend's 2 year old often. Sometimes she loves it, sometimes she says 'no' or 'don't like it', so I stop immediately and don't do it again. Your children are old enough to let him know if they don't like it. Unless you think they are afraid of him or intimidated by him (which it doesn't sound like they are), let it go.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 12:58

Kissing children is for family

End of

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2014 13:00

Is this something that would generally bother you - ie if another male friend was doing it? Or is it something that you would generally be OK with but, somehow, with the way this guy is doing it, you are not?

If it's the former then maybe it is because your attitudes to kissing are rather different from his - some families/cultures are more kissy than others (esp true for men)? In which case, I'd suggest you take yur lead from your children.

But if it is the latter then listen to your instinct

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2014 13:01

Maybe in Glasgow. Not in a lot of other places.

Branleuse · 13/06/2014 13:02

it doesnt sound inappropriate to me. it sounds lovely

Branleuse · 13/06/2014 13:03

you do realise that the vast vast majority of people are not paedophiles dont you? Even gasp men!

Rideronthestorm · 13/06/2014 13:06

Not here either. Nor any place I've liveed - is Glasgow very insular?

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