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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

194 replies

Bardette · 13/06/2014 11:30

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

OP posts:

SandorClegane · 13/06/2014 13:06

Because one person with glasgow in their name speaks for all of glasgow now?!

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 13:07

Yes it is odd at that age. You could ask him to shake their hands instead. I think even the rough and tumble is also a bit weird, how does their Dad feel about it?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/06/2014 13:10

My good friends all kiss my son. They are all aunties and uncles to him, and I could imagine one of them doing this.
I might find it a bit weird if they played "kissing all over games" with him, but a bit of swinging around and a smacker on the cheek sounds totally normal to me.

SandorClegane · 13/06/2014 13:10

Re the op - I would trust your instincts.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2014 13:10

The kids are 4 and 7 - how is that too old for 'rough and tumble'

And 'shaking hands' ?

Have I just fallen down a Mumsnet rabbit hole?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/06/2014 13:11

Why is rough and tumble weird? One of my brothers is always hanging ds upside down and chucking him about. Ds loves it, and he is 8.

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 13:14

He's family, and does he kiss him?

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 13:15

Shaking hands in a manly way as in after a tennis match. The kiss is probably meant in that way.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 13:16

so a male friend kisses your child on the lips - totally weird!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/06/2014 13:18

OP didn't say on the lips.

SybilRamkin · 13/06/2014 13:20

Have I just fallen down a Mumsnet rabbit hole?

Yes! This!

Lottapianos · 13/06/2014 13:21

'Shaking hands in a manly way as in after a tennis match'

How sad. Would you be recommending this if the OP had 2 little girls instead of boys?

If the children enjoy it, let him carry on. That goes for the rough and tumble and the kissing.

CiderLover · 13/06/2014 13:24

How long have you known him? I would not have a problem with this.

Could be that he loves them as much as he loves his friend (you)

What a sad state our world is in

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 13:27

If it makes you uncomfortable then tell him to stop.

I would also tell him the reason why you want him to stop.

If you are that convinced it is sexual then you need to be upfront and honest with him and tell him so.

Personally from what you have said I wouldn't be bothered by it as it does not sound the least bit sexual to me.

Also would you feel this way if he was a she?

hmmmum · 13/06/2014 13:28

I'm surprised you would find kissing games ok, but not this. I would personally find kissing games weirder. Whereas I think it's a very instinctive thing to give a small child or baby a kiss while playing with them, if you are close to them! It's almost a way of saying, "I like you, aren't we having fun together!"
I think if you say something to him it would be a real shame - it's an awful thing to accuse someone of - of having creepy motives. I would only do it if he made you feel uncomfortable in other ways as well and you had a real gut feeling something was wrong.
It's a shame that in our culture people can't show affection very easily without it being sexualised by onlookers.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/06/2014 13:31

I think if I had a friends who I thought were behaving inappropriately in any way shape or form they wouldn't be any where near my kids. So if you think the kissing is inappropriate then you have to assume that everything is inappropriate even the playing.

From what you've said it sounds perfectly normal though.

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 13:32

Just because OP doesn't like it doesn't mean she thinks it's sexual, it's her son and she can set boundaries where she likes.

The fact that the friend doesn't feel her discomfort means she is put into the position of having to verbalise it. Most men would know when to back off.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 13/06/2014 13:33

Has the OP said how she would feel if the friend were female? I would be interested in the answer...
OP you need to definitely do one thing. Stop describing this man as your friend. You cannot possibly suspect a person of being sexually inappropriate with your children (or let's call it what it is, you think he's abusing your kids) and still call him your friend.
Tell him not to come round again, let the poor bugger find real friends.

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 13:33

Hmmm they are 4 and 7.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 13/06/2014 13:36

Have I just fallen down a Mumsnet rabbit hole?

Yes! This!

Joining you down that hole

RedLorryYellowLorryToo · 13/06/2014 13:37

How would you feel if it was a female friend doing it?

Good question

catgirl1976 · 13/06/2014 13:42

I think someone upthread hit the nail on the head when they said something like "If you would be uncomfortable with anyone doing it YABU but if there is something about this specific man doing it and you really wouldn't mind if it was a different man, then there is something wrong and you should listen to your instincts"

From what you've posted though it sounds as if you just have a problem with any male friend kissing your children as it might be "sexual". That's being U.

steff13 · 13/06/2014 13:42

Just because OP doesn't like it doesn't mean she thinks it's sexual, it's her son and she can set boundaries where she likes.

She specifically said it was the "sexual appropriateness" that was bothering her.

OP, I think you're being overreacting. However, they're your kids, and if you don't like it, tell him to stop. Just be prepared to lose him as a friend. I doubt he'd want to continue a friendship with someone who implied my behavior towards her children was inappropriate.

steff13 · 13/06/2014 13:44

his behavior not my behavior. Got my thoughts mixed up there.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 13:46

why would a grown man kiss children

In the mumsnet liberal world all would be ok.

Would you let him take them swimming and get them changed

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