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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

194 replies

Bardette · 13/06/2014 11:30

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:23

This thread is MN at it's worst.

NO parent can EVER express discomfort regarding a male's show of affection or physical contact with their DC because they are immediately called mean and paranoid.

As for Worra saying if the child didn't like it surely they'd say "Yuk" or "No"

HOW wrong you are.

Many children will just take kisses and other contact because they're taught to do as they're told when adults are in charge. This is how abuse can easily begin. Then the child feels complicit.

OP. YOU know your children and YOU know your child. You don't feel comfortable? You put a stop to it. That's that.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 16:24

Funnyfoot

I have as much evidence he is a pedophile as you have that he is not.

The facts are that
he MAY be a pedophile
he kisses children who are not his own
his kisses make the mother of the children uncomfortable

Lweji · 13/06/2014 16:26

In Spain, Italy and Greece (Western countries last time I looked) the kissing of small children is common practice amongst men and women alike. Same in Hungary and (I think)Bulgaria - certainly lots of bear hugs.

none of my male friends, acquaintaces or relatives kiss my son like the OP has described, or any other children.
In Portugal here.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 16:26

MrsWinnibago

exactly

I am not a man hating man - just better safe than sorry.

I am not saying that a kiss from Grandad is wrong, but a stranger - effectively....is wrong.

Kisses is for mummy and granny and grandad - and remember never any secrets - you can tell mummy anything

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:26

The ONLY thing that matters here is the OP does not feel comfortable with it.

How fucking hard is that to understand?? She should act now to not allow him to kiss them any more.

SHE is in charge, HER instincts matter.

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 16:27

Nobody is saying she can't express it MrsW

Posters are saying that the likes of Glasgow should not be labelling the guy a predatory paedophile.

The OP has been advised to tell him to stop/set boundaries however the OP is worried about upsetting her friend so how strong is her discomfort really?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/06/2014 16:27

OK, well, if he isn't a close friends of the family, that does make it feel different I think.
I wouldnt kiss ds's school friends, for example, in the way that I would kiss my nephews and nieces.

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:28

Glasgow cross posts there....I am not a man hater either...I have a few of them in my immediate family Grin it's the whole "Ooh I don't feel like I shuold say anything" that SOME abusers take advantage of.

They push the boundaries and rely on polite social norms to get away wit shit.

As a kid, an old man near my house used to give me sweets through his window...then one day he asked for a kiss...and I offered it because felt I "owed" it to him and because I'd been taught to do I was told.

Then he wanted one every day. Luckily I was a strong minded child and simply avoided that route...but I should NEVER have been in that position.

Lweji · 13/06/2014 16:29

abuse always starts by testing out adult reactions, by normalising the behaviour, so the child thinks it's acceptable.
This.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 16:30

funnyfoot

Posters are saying that the likes of Glasgow should not be labelling the guy a predatory paedophile.

You missed out the word I used - potential!

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:30

Lweji yes.

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 16:31

Scaremongering and pitchforks again Glasgow.

Do you just assume all men are predatory paedophiles?

The OP is the one that knows him and she must decide how much she trusts him.

I may not have any evidence to say he is not a pervert but given that you don't have any to say he is you are out of line calling him a predatory paedophile.

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:32

Funny as Glasgow says she didn't label him. People on MN need to be FAR more supportive of reasonable posts like the OPs...where parents come on asking if they should act on instinct....instead of saying

"Oh it's SOOOO saddd poor men can't walk down the street without being called pedo!"

Listen to the OP....tell people to trust their instincts. Even the Police tell you "If it feels wrong then it probably IS".

caruthers · 13/06/2014 16:32

Hey up the burning torch brigade are here.

Facebook must be slow today.

All the OP has to do is not allow anyone who she doesn't want near her child.

She values her friend more?

One suggestion was to ask around to see if he's a nonce.

Western men are more likely to abuse children.

And one particularly livid poster suggesting that a predatory pedo could be in her midst.

Lweji · 13/06/2014 16:32

From what I have heard - I think he is a potential predatory pedophile.

This is what Glasgow said. She didn't label him. She considered that he might be one.

I also think there is a distinct possibility that he is one, as does the OP and I wouldn't chance it.

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:33

Funny I'm quite sure men are able to take care of themselves....without you as their advocate. After all, they've run the fucking planet for the last few thousand years haven't they?

She said POTENTIAL...not that he WAS.

caruthers · 13/06/2014 16:33

"Oh it's SOOOO saddd poor men can't walk down the street without being called pedo!"

It's a real laughing matter isn't it?

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 16:34

I give up.

Keep those torches burning and your mud slinging at every bloke on the planet I want no part in a thread that will label somebody they don't even know the way you have.

OP I hope you can sort the situation out without causing this guys name to be tainted.

caruthers · 13/06/2014 16:34

You sound somewhat anti male Winnibago.

Probably that's where you get that opinion from...who knows.

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:34

Caruthers that's what people on here say though! It's all "oh I'm glad I'm not a man today...they can't smile at a child without being called pedo"

That's what it's like on here! Nobody can ask ONE question about instincts and child safety without being slapped down for paranoia.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 13/06/2014 16:35

The OP has been advised to tell him to stop/set boundaries however the OP is worried about upsetting her friend so how strong is her discomfort really?

^ this. If you were that concerned about your children's welfare would you be concerned about upsetting your friend?

caruthers · 13/06/2014 16:35

Leaving the facebookers to get further acquainted and get angry together.

Helpful advice on this situation NOT.

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:36

Caruthers why would you think that? I have a son. I'm no more anti male than I'm anti woman.

Lweji · 13/06/2014 16:36

I really don't think Winnibago sounds anti-male.

MrsWinnibago · 13/06/2014 16:38

Twinkle people are very concerned about being "polite" and not upsetting things. NOt everyone has the confidence to challenge or to ask someone not to do something