To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

[Bardette]

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

How about, the OP has a conversation with her children, to find out more about how THEY feel about this. She could remind them that they are ALWAYS allowed to say no to a kiss or hug if they don't want one. It doesn't mean they don't like the person.

I just don't see the problem with this at all. Do the kids ever spend time alone with this man? If they don't, if it's always in a group, then there is no opportunity anyway. I think it is tragic that some people automatically assume that because he is a man (particularly Western), then any kiss is inappropriate.

Am not a she

I'm properly roaring at the thought of someone picking a child up, twirling around their heads then setting them down amidst the giggles and giving them a very manly handshake

High five totally appropriate

OP, YANBU, they are your children and if you don't like it that is all that matters. Trust your instincts and if it is the case (as I believe you said) that he is your DCs friend's father then manoeuvre your social life so contact with him is stopped / minimised. Also use this as an opportunity to educate your children about private space, inappropriate touch, not keeping secrets etc. The NSPCC 'underwear rule' campaign is a really helpful tool for parents.

in the real world people do abuse kids and it starts like this - our secret, our game, don't tell mummy.....

There was no mention of 'secret' or 'don't tell'.

It's all right in front of the parent!

I'm glad I don't live in your world, where everyone's a suspect.

I am glad I don't live in a world where people think it's okay to kiss your children's friends

all you have to do OP is ask him not to do it - problem solved

and all this 'secret' nonsense (or nonse sense to quote Brass Eye) - it's not 'secret' is it ffs it's in full view of the OP

Grow a spine, ask him not to kiss them - job done

they are his friends children as well as his childrens friends ...I kiss my friends kids as well ...I have breasts ...so no one cares

No. The op said he is not my friend his wife is

Wow I didn't realise this would stir up such a hornets nest.
I guess I was just trying to find out if I was being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable and enough people have agreed so I know it's not just me.
I have no intention in labelling him in any way, I will think of an appropriate way to ask him not to kiss them any more without making too big a deal.

Totally agree with Winnibago.

The only 'fact' we have from this thread is that the op is uncomfortable with this behaviour. It's obviously a grey area as there is quite a divide in the thread responses. To my mind the best course of action would be to take steps to politely and gently discourage this behaviour.

It doesn't matter what he was doing. If it made you uncomfortable, you have every right to ask him not to do it.

You wouldn't have a problem asking a person to play gentler or not give your child candy, would you? You can do the same thing with kisses. Just don't make a huge deal out of it. If he's a genuinely good guy, he'll understand and not do it anymore.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS - if you don't like his behaviour, stop him now! There must be a reason this makes you feel uncomfortable. Innocent or not, speak out and tell him his behaviour is not acceptable.

I recently attended an abuse course - a certain type of 'rough and tumble' play is used by those that 'groom' children! They don't hide this type of play either!

The course was delivered by a mother whose own sons were abused. She trusted the person concerned, although she said when she looks back, all the signs were there. If she'd trusted her instincts and spoken out, she could have prevented the abuse!

Better to be safe than sorry. If someone kept kissing you and you didn't like it you would tell them! So speak out and protect your children too.

I love many men. My DH, my brother. I had a Dad I adored. I have as many male friends as females. But sexual abuse is far far more likely to come from a man. That is a fact. it isn't sexist, it is the bloody truth. Who do you suggest your child goes to if they are lost? A MUMMY WITH CHILDREN. There is a reason for that, and all the "poor men" comments in the world can't undo it. I assume the "poor men"ers have never been victims of male abuse. Well lucky old them.
I am staunchly with the "trust your gut" camp. And op, I would suggest that if you don't want this man to kiss your dcs, then maybe you don't want him rough-playing with them either. Or getting close to them at all.
I spent months worrying about hurting the feelings of someone I barely knew, until I came to my senses and trusted my feelings. i told my dds I did not trust the man concerned, and that they must never ever go anywhere with him. I also told his employer I had concerns over his behaviour around small children, as he has a voluntary job that brings him into contact with children by proxy and I had seen the same behaviour he had with my dds directed at other children. None of the other men around my dds makes me, or DH feel like this. Alarm bells were ringing and I for one am glad I listened to them.

Yy to the above.

I am a man.

More men than women are sex offenders.

So there is more chance of a man being an offender

I also told his employer I had concerns over his behaviour around small children

You did all this on a feeling?

How very very big of you.

What gives you the right to poison this man with regards to his employers on a whim?

Kissing anyone in public is just not British. A good excuse to ask him to stop.

Kissing anyone in public is just not British. A good excuse to ask him to stop.

Good grief

I didn't poison him to his employers, I told them his behaviour around small children was inappropriate, which it was. I suggested he needed to be told that, which he did. He would actively pursue my dds to tickle them, played biting up the arm games, put my dds hand into his mouth, would pull them onto his lap whenever he saw them. This might be fine from a doting grandad but it was not fine from someone working in a public place where I had taken my dds. He also liked to show them the cuddly toys he kept in his van. I have a close friend who is on the board of the place concerned and talked it over in confidence with her first. She also had concerns. I can't say more without outing myself completely, but his behaviour, even if innocent , was strange and unacceptable around children he had no emotional link to. He may be lonely rather than predatory, I have no way of knowing, but using children in this way to fill that void is not ok at all. And if innocent, i am sure he would rather be told to tone it down and back off, than have parents and children feel harrassed.

trust your instincts
I hate that behaviour, I really do.

So, just because you think a male might be a paedophile, treat him as such. Regardless of an concrete evidence.

What a lovely world we will live in if we all adhere to the 'instincts' rule.

Lone men=Bad People

Oh and this was after months and months of feeling stressed every time I saw him, trying to keep my dds out of his reach and often failing, and agonising over his possible hurt feelings with my DH. I had absolutely no wish to "poison" an innocent man, hence the caution. But his behaviour was bothering other people, visibly, and it was certainly bothering me.

And no, I don't think lone men are bad people. That would be ridiculous. Judging someone by how they make you feel, and how they behave however, is common sense.