To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

[Bardette]

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

Trust your instinct. It doesn't matter if it is innocent or not. When I was younger, my nan had a friend who's DH would come and pick her up, every time he would look for me and hug and kiss me. I hated it and him but never said "ewww" or anything like that. I was far too shy. I just used to hide somewhere when I knew he was coming. My nan would sometimes find me and knew why I was doing it. She didn't like him either but she never actually told him to stop doing it. Stand up for your children.

In this situation, even if it were a woman, I would probably feel slightly uncomfortable about it. Why would a non close acquaintance even want to kiss someone else's children.

It isn't the norm in this country (although I wouldn't say "stop it, we're British") but unless they are close friends or family, it just isn't necessary. I certainly wouldn't even want to kiss any children that weren't my own or a close family members.

I honestly can't believe how much naivety there is on this thread.

It is normal to occasionally kiss a close friends kids. It is not normal to kiss your DCs friends!

Anyone who expresses concern is accused of seeing a peedo on every corner and wrecking a mans reputation with suspicion & rumours.

The simple fact is, this may be innocent affectionate behaviour. BUT it also may not be. This is exactly how grooming happens. Make friends with the family. be all lively and funny and affectionate and everyone thinks ah what a sweet guy etc. Make kissing/touching the children seem normal, then wait for the opportunity to take it further - you have the parents trust, the child knows that, the child accepts the situation. "Hiding in plain sight".

Now, that said, and the OP being uneasy about this man for whatever reason - she has to make the call. This is not about our children and our male friends - she has to decide whether to act. All she needs to say is "i'd rather you did not kiss the DC as we are trying to teach them about boundaries and it makes things harder for them to understand if the lines are blurred"

he is a parent himself, he should understand

If he had something wrong phone the police and stop gossiping about it.

partial I think trust your instincts is great advice. I was certainly told to and I always would.

When I was a teen, I used to stay with my dads ex (who I had known for many years and was a step mum to me so I still stayed with her when she and my dad split). She met someone else who showed far more interest in me than he should've done. I didn't say anything to my nan (who I lived with) but one weekend, I phoned her to ask if I could stay, like most weekends, and for the first time ever she said no. I begged and begged. She wouldn't give me a reason but she ended up giving in.

He abused me, and a couple of times after that. When I finally got the courage to speak up, months later, she admitted she instinctively knew something like that was going to happen (which is why she said no). And she ignored it because I begged her to stay and she caved. Whilst I don't blame her at all, I do think she should have listened to her instincts and protected me. She has always taught me to do that and she always says she has good instincts, yet on this occasion, she ignored them and what her instincts were telling her was true.

Obviously this isn't always the case, but I would certainly always listen to what 'something' was telling me.

Oh ffs I didn't gossip. i told one friend in complete confidence and in a professional capacity, and I told his employer, although actually he wasn't technically employed by them. I am a decent person, i am sensible, I had no wish to be inflammatory, but his behaviour was not ok. Clearly it wasn't a police matter at that stage, as he hadn't committed a criminal offence. He had however crossed the line of propriety. And what decent man wouldn't want to know that? And as I also know the employer, she would have been very unhappy if something else had happened that was more serious and I had not told her I was unhappy with his behaviour. I used the facility he was in, and he made me feel uncomfortable there. It is a charitable organisation, and needed to know that a service user had a problem.

partialderivitive I don't think anyone is saying lone men = bad people. The "trust your instincts" line isn't about prejudicial thinking in a wider sense ("Oh Golly, he's wearing a turban, he must be a terrorist, let go with my 'instinct' and not sit next to him."), it's about a gut, primal feeling that something is very wrong.

I've acted 'irrationally' twice due to a gut feeling. I removed myself from two seemingly harmless situations involving men. (I'm usually a ridiculously open person, given hitchhikers lifts, let strange men into my house etc) Later I found out the men involved were very far from harmless. There was no reason for me to act, but I'm glad I did.

I find this too complicated for MN.
How can we possibly pass judgement.
Of course, as others have said...if for whatever reason you're not comfortable then stop it from happening.

^^^ this. How can people comment on a situation that we haven't seen

Trust your instincts. Teach your children to shout "no" if any adults other than family touch or kiss them, if that is what you feel is the right thing to do. Your friend will soon get the message.

Blimey Hellymelly, he had cuddly toys IN HIS VAN, sounds like the Childcatcher.

For those people with bad experiences, I appreciate you posting them, it is so important that these things are shared so people are aware.

You did the right thing Hellymelly. I would have done the same, as he was behaving totally inappropriately. And, cuddly toys in a van...?!

I think Hellymelly's experience is somewhat different and I can understand why she reported that man.

As far as the OP is concerned, if she is that worried, all she has to do is a) ask him to stop and b) make sure her children are never alone with him.

And teach her kids boundaries

Yes, my experience was rather different I agree. The one way in which it is similar though, is that initially I trusted this man more than I would have, because he appeared to be friendly with people I knew and liked. Then it dawned on me as I agonised over my feelings that I didn't know him at all. And it transpired that neither did the person who I thought was quite friendly with him. The op doesn't actually know this man well, which makes his behaviour much odder than if he were a close friend of hers. And we are animals, we read all sorts of things about other humans without realising why. We are capable of noticing far more about others than we think, and we all have a tendancy to want to re-write our awkward feelings "Oh it must be me, I am over-reacting, I am too sensitive, I am being silly, i am sure he is fine". If you were sure he was fine, that would be how you felt. If someone makes you feel a bit odd, as violetlights experienced, then there is a reason for that, and that reason is highly unlikely to be your own paranoia, unless you think that about every single person you meet. If I don't feel comfortable about someone, they are not having access to my dds. However charming they might seem.

I was thinking about this last night and in my case, there is really only one set of friends outside of the family who hug and kiss my DC - and the difference between them and the OP is that they also hug and kiss DH & I, when meeting up or saying good bye. We go on holiday together and to stay at each others houses and we go back many years, this is a mutual sign of affection. More so than passes between aunts and uncles and cousins really.

Something about what OP describes is not right, it concerns her and her ONLY concern is her children's safety - how many kids have suffered because people did not want to cause a scene, were embarrassed to trust their instincts, felt guilty thinking badly of someone, or had been well and truly taken in by the charms of the abuser.

Any adult who takes indignant offence at being asked, politely, by a child's parent not to kiss their child because they are trying to teach their child about boundaries, is either very naïve or has something to hide. Either way they are a 'friend' you can do without.

If you don't like it, just ask him to stop doing it.

As an aside - I thought the go to a "mummy with children" was down to the fact you are more likely to see one than you are a "daddy with children", very broadly speaking. Maybe less so these days.

Well it isn't in my case. It is because the chances of a woman being a child abuser are statistically minute compared to a man. I also tell my children to approach someone, rather than wait for someone to approach them. That way they would be making a choice, and not the approacher.

Even if he's not a paedophile why is he kissing your kids?! My kids wouldn't like it anyway.

Tell him to knock it off - what's up with him silly buggar!

Tell him to knock it off - what's up with him silly buggar!

A good way of dealing with it actually - if that had happened the first time.