To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

[Bardette]

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

A western male?

It gets even worse.

No caruthers no that!

She wanted to find out if she was misreading the social norms

you saying that about her is terrible!

Lets agree that the man the OP is describing is acting in a way that is unusual

A dad behaving in this way to other children (I suspect ones he has known 2 years) is beyond weird.

Would you the same if it was a mother?

I think the OP's reaction is quite normal. We often find it difficult to believe our instincts. It can be seen by how many women end up in abusive relationships because they prefer to believe that their partner is a good person.

She needed to voice her feelings about this. It's just as unhealthy to dismiss her concerns off hand without knowing this man as to tell her he definitely is a paedophile. (Glasgow said he sounded like a potential paedophile)

I agree that she should limit contact, talk about boundaries with her children and with him as well, if necessary, and evaluate his response.

A western male - indeed.

One brought up in the british culture would not act in this way to his friends children.

I dont know what the cultural norm is for chinese, indian, pakistani, african males would be.

If you saw a british male kiss a kid at the school gates at 330 you would assume that was his child -

but no - that is his childs friend - we would find that strange

Would you the same if it was a mother?
Actually, I would find it weird as well.

'in the real world people do abuse kids and it starts like this - our secret, our game, dont tell mummy.....'

It doesn't sound remotely secret, though! There is no hint of ANY behaviour like this in the OP.

Hard to call without seeing him do it.

I used to kiss kids I babysat all the time. Read them a story, give them a hug and kiss good night. I had one kid tell me she didn't like it, and I never did it again. I think it'd be quite the leap to think I was a pedo based on that.

But if you're uncomfortable with it, maybe just ask him nicely not to kiss your kids and hide behind germs as an excuse.

twinkletwinkle

The number of male convicted paedophiles must be 50 times that of females!

All western males are the same Glasgow?

You're so full of generalisations it's gobsmackingly ignorant.

If you saw a british male kiss a kid at the school gates at 330 you would assume that was his child -

but no - that is his childs friend - we would find that strange

You missed that part - would you think that is ok behaviour

but no - that is his childs friend - we would find that strange

No WE don't there are many on this thread that don't.

To be fair you started to sound ridiculous when you espoused the western male comment.

Mooncup abuse always starts by testing out adult reactions, by normalising the behaviour, so the child thinks it's acceptable. An abuser met with a defensive parent would move on. Not that this man is, we don't know and neither does OP which is why she's asking for help here.

All this is true but you cannot go slinging words like that around when this guy has done nothing wrong.

OP says she doesn't like it then she needs to tell him so. Its not fair to go parading him round like some paedophile when there is no evidence to suggest he is.

so you would not find it strange a dad kissing his childs friend at the school gate!

All this is true but you cannot go slinging words like that around when this guy has done nothing wrong.

OP says she doesn't like it then she needs to tell him so. Its not fair to go parading him round like some paedophile when there is no evidence to suggest he is.

Completely agree

by normalising the behaviour, so the child thinks it's acceptable

Your friends dad kissing you is not acceptable!

At least the OP is now able to re inforce some boundaries!

Why has it got anything to do with 'Western males'?

Yes, I would find it odd for a woman to do this, so to me, it is not a gender based question

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight She doesn't even know if the male in question is western either.

She just generalised yet again and assumed.

glasgow

You are becoming hysterical now.

He kisses them in front of the OP. Not on the lips, not in a caressing sort of way but while he is spinning them round and as he goes to put them down.

It is not wrong to educate children to the dangers nor is it wrong to set boundaries for those who interact with your children.

It is wrong to sling around words like predatory paedophile when you know nothing of the sort.

Put your pitchforks and torches away.

Maybe the kiss is to signal the game is over now ie he has had enough and is worn out!

If he isn't a close friend then yes this would make me uncomfortable too. In fact we had an aquaintance once who was very ott in his affection with dd once and It set everyone in the family on edge.(including dd, who was quite young at the time)

It's a difficult call because I am personally naturally affectionate with all kids, I'm a bit of a serial hair ruffled a do t's an unconscious thing Borneo f genuine affection for all children...but it's much more acceptable to most people as I'm female. Which is sad really.

Go with your gut on it I'd say.

Western males? In Spain, Italy and Greece (Western countries last time I looked) the kissing of small children is common practice amongst men and women alike. Same in Hungary and (I think)Bulgaria - certainly lots of bear hugs.

Oh, that typing was atrocious, sorry. Meant to add that Dh purposely avoids any gestures of affection to any but kids we know well who are very comfortable with him, mostly because our own experience made us realise how easily those gestures can be misinterpreted.