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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

194 replies

Bardette · 13/06/2014 11:30

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

OP posts:
eightyearsonhere · 13/06/2014 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everythingisonmurtaghlist · 13/06/2014 15:14

why would a grown man kiss children

em because he loves his friend's kids? As a fellow Glaswegian please know we don't all see a man kiss a child and think paedophile.

my close friends (who we actually view as family) hug and kiss my dd (and I theirs) and I have never had concerns. To be fair my dd tends to run to their arms and give them big hugs and kisses so I know she wants to. We have said "do you want to give uncle/auntie soandso a kiss or cuddle?" as they're leaving but if she says no the issue is never pushed - that's ok just say goodbye then. This rarely happens tbh, usually when she's super tired.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:18

your close friends exactly

As I said if it was someone who has grown up with the kids fair enough

as the OP said on post 74 he is not even a friend - the kids are friends

a kiss when leaving is also different to a "stolen" kiss during play!

everythingisonmurtaghlist · 13/06/2014 15:20

All that being said without seeing/knowing how this man interacts with your children no one can say if your instincts are right or wrong but if it makes you feel uncomfortable then it may be time to talk to him - and your children about boundaries, what you do and do not feel comfortable with.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:20

em because he loves his friend's kids?

---

Thats a bit weird too - they are not his friends kids -

"He isn't a close friend, our children are friends and I am friends with his wife"

Are you saying he "loves" kids who play with his kids!

Eeewwww

everythingisonmurtaghlist · 13/06/2014 15:25

Xpost with you Bardette - taking me longer than usual to finish my posts due to tired and grumpy toddler Grin. As you've pointed out this man is not a close friend himself then I would definitely have the kisses are for close friends/family only, teaching the children about acceptable boundaries etc conversation.

Lweji · 13/06/2014 15:28

You may well not be wrong to trust your gut feeling on this. Better safe than sorry, really, and abuse most often occurs with friends or relatives of the victims.

If he is a predator, this could be part of grooming, as he would be able to tell the children that it was ok and you were ok with whatever he did.

Have you asked other people who know him and have seen him what they think?

GingerBlondecat · 13/06/2014 15:32

Ask him to stop. You will soon find out if he is a problem or not.

He should except -Because it makes me uncomfortable- as an answer.

if he starts to debate the issue. You're in trouble.

How often do your kids go play at his home?

BarbarianMum · 13/06/2014 15:32

If it something that you'd normally be fine with but he's triggering your radar then pay attention to that feeling.

Which gives you a rather wider situation to deal with. Does he ever have sole care over your children? Have you ever talked to them about good/bad touching, private parts of their bodies, bodily autonomy etc?

sparechange · 13/06/2014 15:32

glasgow Are you deliberately trying to enflame something?
'Stolen' kisses?
Why are you trying to suggest this is a sexual thing by using words like that? It is sick.
It sounds like nothing more than a tactile father, playing with his childrens' friends

caruthers · 13/06/2014 15:34

The OP should tell her friend that she thinks her partner is a creep and see where that gets her.

And what's with the "Would you allow him to take your child swimming" comment?

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:34

I am suggesting stolen kisses as I imagine him swinging them round and then as he puts them down kissing them

hypothetical situation - would you be happy if your child was on a playdate and you were not there and after the date - billys dad kissed me after we played.....

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 15:34

I think it's also to do with him being unaware of how OP feels about it. She must be giving off signals and for him to ignore that is a bit weird and definitely wrong.

I'd like to know how her Dad feels about it.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:35

I am wondering if she trusts the friends dad to take her child to swimming

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:36

From what I have heard - I think he is a potential predatory pedophile.

Lweji · 13/06/2014 15:37

It may sound whatever we want it to sound.
This is a mother's gut feeling. She may well be wrong, but would she want to risk it? She is there and she observed it. I wouldn't dismiss your feelings, OP.

These are "stolen" kisses. They were not obtained with the children's permission or their parents, nor in a normal social interaction.

caruthers · 13/06/2014 15:37

From what I have heard - I think he is a potential predatory pedophile.

Oh ffs Hmm

justgirl · 13/06/2014 15:38

I kiss my good friends kids! (I'm female) in all honesty, it's instinct and simply in the same way that I kiss my own kids....I don't really mean to do it and I wonder on occasion if perhaps my friends think it's off - I hope not! I think it's lovely when friends treat other friends children like their own x

Lweji · 13/06/2014 15:39

Would you dismiss your gut feelings about an acquaintance in relation to your children?

We know nothing about this man, never met him, only the OP has. She is worried.

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 15:40

WTF are you seriously banding words like that about!

Seriously cease and desist Glasgow that is not helpful, is scare mongering and a very stupid thing to say.

I bet you are the sort that hears street gossip about some poor single bloke and gets out her pitchforks and torches Hmm

Lweji · 13/06/2014 15:42

Not sure how people are so shocked at the possibility that this man is a predator, particularly after all the celebrity cases that have come out.
While I don't like scaremongering, I don't think it's healthy to distrust our instincts either.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:42

The OP is worried.

they are stolen kisses (better explained by Lweji than me)

not a Hi family smith kisses all round but a little kiss during some horseplay.

A dad behaving in this way to other children (I suspect ones he has known 2 years) is beyond weird.

and your mothers intuition has kicked in.

I would distance myself

Lweji · 13/06/2014 15:43

People who tell Glasgow to desist know nothing about this man. It's that type of attitude that allows predators to continue to harm children.

caruthers · 13/06/2014 15:44

Lweji

All she has to do is stop the contact isn't it?

Not scurry around asking everyone if he's a nonce.

But she doesn't want to upset her friend...is her friendship more important than the safety of her children or her friends children?

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:44

Mumsnet is about opinions

The OP has hers - she wanted some reassurance she was not over reacting.

she is not.

in the real world people do abuse kids and it starts like this - our secret, our game, dont tell mummy.....

He may be innocent - but a western male acting in this way towards children he does not really know - certainly not ones he has an "uncle" type relationship with it wrong.