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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to stop kissing my kids

194 replies

Bardette · 13/06/2014 11:30

This particular guy is very popular with my sons, he is great fun and does a lot of rough and tumble play, throwing them around etc.
But I've noticed that he kisses them while they are playing. This makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't want to make a scene or cause offence.
AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Would it bother you?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/06/2014 13:49

It's the sexual appropriateness that bothers me (not germs).

If that's what you're thinking I would question why he is your friend.

If he knew that's what you were thinking I would imagine he would no longer want to be your friend.

And I think some of the comments on here regarding hand shaking etc are really, really sad.

bishboschone · 13/06/2014 13:50

My uncle used to do this with us . Everyone thought he was brilliant and funny.. He always creeped me out but I didn't really understand why .When I was 17 he cornered me and told me he wanted to rape me . I never told anyone until he died but kept my kids far far away from him. I'm not one for drama or making assumptions but Go with your instincts .

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2014 13:51

Why would anyone bother having a dirty mind and assuming that all men, half the fucking species, are sexually interested in children? Hmm

They're not. Children are kissable.

Fathers kiss children. Brothers kiss children. Grandpas kiss children.

It is perfectly possible to kiss appropriately and to teach children at the same time that they don't have to be kissed if they don't want to.

caruthers · 13/06/2014 13:53

Are you normally this sexist Glasgow?

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 13:55

Sorry that your uncle put you in that position bish

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 13:56

Would you let him take them swimming and get them changed

What has ^this got to do with it?

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 14:04

Sexual inappropriateness doesn't mean she thinks he's a pervert, it means she thinks it's inappropriate. If she's uncomfortable she should be allowed to say no.

But yes, as Bish's experience shows this is precisely the behaviour of someone who wants to normalise close body contact with a child. Actually it happened to me, a family friend, the life and soul, tickled me regularly, then one day his hands wandered. Creepy fucker. My parents loved him dearly!

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 14:10

Erm yes it does!

She is saying she finds him kissing her children sexually inappropriate meaning she does not see it as him kissing affectionately but kissing with a sexual intent.

If she thought it was just inappropriate then she would have left out the sexual bit.

I'm sorry about what happened to bish and you but I refuse to tar all men with the same perverted brush.

As I said up thread if the OP doesn't like it then she needs to tell him to stop and tell him why as he deserves to know if he is a good friend of hers.

bishboschone · 13/06/2014 14:13

To be honest I always presumed everyone had a creepy uncle so it's never really bothered me too much . I must admit I was shocked when he said that to me and I was more upset he said rape than have sex with as that's so messed up. If the op is worried she must say something . I had to make many excuses why I wouldn't visit said uncle over the years and I'm was quite pleased when he died as I could then relax at family events . He was never allowed near my daughter and that could be tricky without telling anyone else the truth .

bishboschone · 13/06/2014 14:15

I totally agree not to tar all men with the same brush and I'm not saying that . Merely giving an insight and saying trust your instincts . I am not a man hater in any way .

magpiegin · 13/06/2014 14:16

It doesn't sound to me like he's doing anything wrong, and if you think he has sexual intent behind his kissing then why are you friends with him?

I have a friend who has two children aged 4 and 2, she has taught them that if they don't want to kiss someone they put their hand up for a high 5 so they are in control! Seems to work well.

TheLovelyBoots · 13/06/2014 14:17

I have a few boys who come to our house that I've known for many years (best friends of my boys) and I am prone to pinching and kissing their cheeks if I haven't seen them for a while. I'd hate to think their mothers would find it inappropriate.

caruthers · 13/06/2014 14:18

I avoid other peoples children like the plague because of this inference maybe other men feel the same way and have the same protectionist tactic.

I don't want to be called creepy or have some random facebook idiot cast even the slightest aspersion so it's best to just avoid avoid and avoid again.

Gen35 · 13/06/2014 14:23

In general I would absolutely not have a problem with this, but I second the people who say you need to think whether he's specifically creeping you out and distance yourself if so. I do agree in trusting your instincts, unless it's just a global thing in which case it's your issue.

oldgrandmama · 13/06/2014 14:28

Mmm, tricky. I always love kissing kids - my grandkids, of course, but I've also planted an impulsive kiss on the heads of their little friends now and then, simply because they're sweet kids. Not on the face, though. I also kiss my cat a lot.

But kissing on the face ... does sound a bit weird. Hopefully harmless, though. Just odd.

Funnyfoot · 13/06/2014 14:37

My post wasn't directed at you bish Grin I know that is not what you were saying.

unrealhousewife · 13/06/2014 14:40

The hi five idea is a good one,better than my tennis handshake.

It could be that's all it is, a way of having mutual agreement that it was fun and now it's done.

Perhaps you can find a jokey way of approaching it. And you can always ask dcs what they think about it.

m0therofdragons · 13/06/2014 14:41

Oh my word, kissing children is a sexual thing?! Noooooo it's really not. It's showing affection and playing. I kiss my children and friend's dc all the time... but not in a sexual way! Are you the kind of person who avoids using the word black to describe a colour because you think it's racist?

violetlights · 13/06/2014 14:47

You need to listen to your instincts. If something is telling you something is wrong act on it. Do you have wider concerns about this man's interaction with your children? If so why is he still around them?

Of course most men are not paedophiles but I always think the most important thing is trusting your instincts. If might be a good idea to talk to your sons about their thoughts on him too...

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:00

Am I normally sexist - male friends of the family are sex offenders more often than female friends....

I cant think of many cases where a female friend of the family became a sex offender.

He is not a relative - but a friend.....

the OP has seen it and she was worried enough to mention the sexual element and to ask mumsnet.

she should go with her gut.

rough and tumble.

kissing......

Weird

I love my niece and nephew and also have friends with children - if I tried to kiss them I suspect I would be asked not to do it again

Levels of appropriateness

hellymelly · 13/06/2014 15:01

OP, I can't comment on whether this is ok or not, as it all depends on context and the mind of the adult involved. We had a problem with a local man (not a friend though, an accaintance at best). He could not keep his hands off my dds, he would take any opportunity to touch them. All of it looked like play, the dds loved it, but I felt he was completely creepy. My DH hated him, truly hated. Anyway I posted on here and the vast majority of posters seemed to suggest I was a man hating peodo paranoid lunatic. There were a few who said "go with gut feelings". I went off and re-read "the gift of fear". I never let him be in a position to touch my girls again after that. All sorts of people cuddle, play with and kiss my dds and no-one else has ever made me feel as this man did. I am certain he is at best emotionally disturbed. And at worst a peodophile. So I agree, ask yourself if this is just behaviour you wouldn't want from anyone, from any man, or from this man in particular. Then you can take action. If it is the former then you can tell him that you don't like anyone other than immediate family to kiss your dcs, that is just your house rule. if it is the middle then you can say the same, if it is the latter then you should drop him as a friend.

glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:07

you can tell him that you don't like anyone other than immediate family to kiss your dcs, that is just your house rule

Agree

Problem is refining boundaries when they have been set - something like

"as the oldest is getting PSE in school now we have a rule its only immediate family to kiss or ciddle then"

Original poster
Bardette · 13/06/2014 15:07

Thank you for your replies, I seem to have misled a bit - the sexually appropriate bit was in response to an earlier poster who asked why I was concerned.
Would I be concerned if it was a woman? Probably not, but would depend on the woman. I have other friends who kiss my children and I don't mind at all so it is definitely something about him that I find a but creepy - but I acknowledge that that doesn't make him a pedophile.
He isn't a close friend, our children are friends and I am friends with his wife. It's her I would be concerned about upsetting .

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 13/06/2014 15:12

it is definitely something about him that I find a but creepy

^^^^^

and he has his own children but he kisses yours - again weird!

Unless he is of a different culture where that is the done thing - if not what man in his 20s or 30s kisses his childrens friends!

I could maybe just maybe have understood if he was your husbands best friend and watched them grow up - but he is a relative stranger

Would you let him take them swimming

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 13/06/2014 15:12

Where's op gone?

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