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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset after first weekend with Boyfriends kids....

130 replies

bitpredictable · 08/04/2014 21:23

We have been together just over a year. He has two kids and I have one. We've met eachothers kids several times and everyone has got on well.

At the weekend my son and I went to stay at his place while his kids were there too. Me and my son shared a room (which me and boyfriend both decided would be best as we wanted to take it slowly with regard to the kids seeing us together physically.)

I am really conscious of how his kids might feel about me, and their situation and have thought very carefully about how to handle them. My conclusion was in the same way I would a friends' children, just make an effort but not OTT. So far that approach has worked well.

This wkend was the most time we have ever spent together and the first time they have seen anything physical between me and their dad. This evoked some unpleasant behaviour in his 6yo dd. (the other two were fine as normal but are younger.)

Over the weekend she was rude to me on a couple of occasions. He pulled her up on it once and made her apologise which she did. Then on the second occasion her dad and I were giving each other flirty playful shove and joking and laughing and she screamed "get off each other" and pulled my arm, hit me on the side and ran off. He said "don't worry we were only playing" and she said "not you, HER" and pointed at me. Now in that situation I think a child should be made to apologise but he just left it. I didn't feel I could say anything myself (although maybe I should have) so I said to him (on the quiet) "do you know she just hit me?" And he took her to one side and I heard him tell her she had to apologise but she didn't and it wasn't followed through. We then left where we had been (it was home time anyway) and went home separately (as was the plan.) she refused to look at me or say goodbye.

Now - I keep telling myself this is a 6 yo child with lots of confusing emotions and that I am the grown up... But I feel really upset about it.

I spoke to boyfriend this morning who said that he didn't make her apologise because he could see she was in pain because her parents have split up. He said she talked to him last night and said she felt really sad and angry that her parents have split up. I feel TERRIBLE about ths. Have been in absolute bits about it and very upset on the phone to my boyfriend about it this morning as I hate that I am the reason a child is so upset. Rationally I know if it wasn't me it would be someone else but I just feel awful. I was in floods of tears this morning and texts between us a couple of times today where I've said I feel really guilty.

Anyway - tonight I haven't heard a peep from him. I feel REALLY angry and upset that he hasn't bothered to get in touch when he knows how upset the whole incident has made me.

A long waffle but basically aibu to expect him to get in touch? I always seem to make the first move back to him so want him to reach out this time......

OP posts:
Original poster
bitpredictable · 08/04/2014 21:25

I guess this is also making me wonder if I can deal with all the hassle of dating someone with kids! Totally get why he spent ages talking to his 6 yo last night but think a call to check in on me tonight would have been nice!

OP posts:
Wantsunshine · 08/04/2014 21:27

If you are feeling upset and angry then imagine how a 6 year old would feel.

TalisaMaegyr · 08/04/2014 21:27

It's normal. But you will get good advice on the StepParents board Smile

here

Original poster
bitpredictable · 08/04/2014 21:27

I am - that's a big part of what's making me feel like this!!

OP posts:
Coldlightofday · 08/04/2014 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quinteszilla · 08/04/2014 21:30
Hmm

There is a lot of ME ME ME ME in your posts, and very little understanding of the pain a 6 year old child is going through. It reads a bit like you are upset and guilty because of the effect this has on you, but I may read you wrong.

I would imagine he also has a lot to think about now that his child has made his feelings about you so clear.

Were you the reason he and her mum split up?

SaucyJack · 08/04/2014 21:30

Don't make it all about you. She's the child whose parents have split up.

superstarheartbreaker · 08/04/2014 21:31

I wouldn't try to make her apologise to you but rather try to see it through her eyes. It IS upsetting ( been there) but she is 6. She is confused. She perceives you as a threat. Give it time. She isn't going to be all accepting right away.

Amytheflag · 08/04/2014 21:32

Why are parents surprised when someone puts their children first?

Objection · 08/04/2014 21:32

YANBU to feel upset but IMO his daughter should come first. Surely you'd think less of him if it was any other way?
She's only 6, she hasn't done anything truly terrible - she's just clearly upset. Cut her some slack and also try and think how hard this must be for HIM too - he must be battling with extreme guilt and sadness and embarrassment.
Crap situation, OP, sorry.

Tessdurbevilliespoon · 08/04/2014 21:32

I am assuming that you were not a cause of the split. So I don't think that you should feel guilty that you caused her to be upset. I do think however, that you are unreasonable to be upset and angry that your boyfriend has not called you to. He is obviously dealing with his daughter's reaction and probably needs time to process it. It may be the first time he has truly understood the impact of the split on his kids and that has got to take its toll on him emotionally. He may also be discussing his daughter's needs with her mother. I think you need to accept that this is not about you and to take a back seat here. I'm sure if the situation were reversed you would behave in the same way. You know yourself, that when you are dating and have young kids, their needs come first.

nkf · 08/04/2014 21:32

Sounds miserable. I have no advice but I am sure someone will be along later. It's not actually about you. It's about her feelings and his feelings. Try not to take it personally though I know I would.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 08/04/2014 21:33

YABU to post this in AIBU.

Duck and hide in step parenting board where you will get advice.

The masses will be along any moment to crucify you for daring to have any emotions as a human being now you are dating a guy with kids.

Run, run, I tell ye!

mumofthemonsters808 · 08/04/2014 21:36

She is only 6 and it must be very strange for her to have another woman with her child in her Dad's home. Seeing you messing around with him probably confused her more hence the hitting out. It is a huge deal for a wee one to get their head around. Any man who puts his children before a new relationship is worth his weight in gold in my eyes. So if I were you I would hang in there and be very patient. It will get easier over time but I really would lower my expectations to avoid you feeling neglected and hurt.

TalisaMaegyr · 08/04/2014 21:37

That's what I tried to say Cigarettes Grin

SylvaniansKeepGettingHoovered · 08/04/2014 21:37

Give the child some slack, she's 6 years old and feels like her world has turned upside down. You're taking it very personally but you need to give it time, it could take weeks/months/years for the 6yr old to accept the situation.

Sorry bur you're not being very adult about it and you do seem to be putting your needs first.

YoungBodyOldHead · 08/04/2014 21:38

Run run run

Dont look back.

Hes a disney dad, be thankful hes showing you how its going to be so early on.

Original poster
bitpredictable · 08/04/2014 21:38

I totally accept him dealing with her feelings first.

I have also thought of her feelings MANY times in many things I have done to try and make things easier and happier for them.

But is it really that unreasonable to expect him to have called me tonight? (This all happened yesterday)

I'll head to the other board but I am astonished that people don't think seeing how your partner is after a very upsetting time is a (secondary) priority

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/04/2014 21:38

YABU, understandably difficult, but YABU.

You are "in bits" and "feel guilty" about his daughter being upset (no need to be unless you were the OW or started dating very soon after his breakup), but angry with him for not seeking to comfort you (rather than focus on his daughter and his own feelings about what happened).

CuttedUpPear · 08/04/2014 21:39

Don't worry OP. This little girl doesn't know how to deal with the new situation. Expecting an apology from her is asking too much at this stage.

Just rise above it, be the best adult you can and give it time, lots of time.
Although your approach if treating her like another of your Dcs friends is a good one, it isn't the same for her.
You are suddenly in a significant place in her life and she didn't ask for this.

WooWooOwl · 08/04/2014 21:40

Maybe it should be you that's checking up on him.

If you feel guilty about t child being upset and angry, how do you think he feels? Presumably he's the one that makes choices on behalf of his child, not you, so it's him that's caused her upset, and it's likely that he feels pretty crap about that. Yet you are making it all about yourself.

Maybe he just needs a bit of time to think.

Original poster
bitpredictable · 08/04/2014 21:40

Nice post pear. Made me blub (again)

OP posts:
DuckandCat · 08/04/2014 21:44

Sounds upsetting all round tbh.

Should he have called? Maybe, but as others have said he would have been dealing with his daughter and probably thought everyone needed a bit of breathing room.

I've never been in your situation, but I guess it takes time. You and he may be ready for a new relationship, but she clearly is not.

How long since he and his EX split? Looks like you and he 'crossed a boundary' in her eyes (with the flirty pushing), just try and learn from it. No obvious flirting when she is around?

I know you're feeling emotional, but try and calm down with all the drama. The 6yo can get away with it, you not so much.

deakymom · 08/04/2014 21:44

a text off him would have been nice?

Aeroflotgirl · 08/04/2014 21:47

Yanbu you are a human being too entitled to thoughts and feelings, don't let others on here make you feel guilty because you dare have feelings. I am glad you have some understanding of why this little girl is behaving tge way she is, I would not take it personally, it could be any woman that she vents her anger at. Mabey take it slowly, see each it her without kudos fir now and give her loads of time and patience. Of course if she is rude like any child she should be corrected.