Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset after first weekend with Boyfriends kids....

130 replies

bitpredictable · 08/04/2014 21:23

We have been together just over a year. He has two kids and I have one. We've met eachothers kids several times and everyone has got on well.

At the weekend my son and I went to stay at his place while his kids were there too. Me and my son shared a room (which me and boyfriend both decided would be best as we wanted to take it slowly with regard to the kids seeing us together physically.)

I am really conscious of how his kids might feel about me, and their situation and have thought very carefully about how to handle them. My conclusion was in the same way I would a friends' children, just make an effort but not OTT. So far that approach has worked well.

This wkend was the most time we have ever spent together and the first time they have seen anything physical between me and their dad. This evoked some unpleasant behaviour in his 6yo dd. (the other two were fine as normal but are younger.)

Over the weekend she was rude to me on a couple of occasions. He pulled her up on it once and made her apologise which she did. Then on the second occasion her dad and I were giving each other flirty playful shove and joking and laughing and she screamed "get off each other" and pulled my arm, hit me on the side and ran off. He said "don't worry we were only playing" and she said "not you, HER" and pointed at me. Now in that situation I think a child should be made to apologise but he just left it. I didn't feel I could say anything myself (although maybe I should have) so I said to him (on the quiet) "do you know she just hit me?" And he took her to one side and I heard him tell her she had to apologise but she didn't and it wasn't followed through. We then left where we had been (it was home time anyway) and went home separately (as was the plan.) she refused to look at me or say goodbye.

Now - I keep telling myself this is a 6 yo child with lots of confusing emotions and that I am the grown up... But I feel really upset about it.

I spoke to boyfriend this morning who said that he didn't make her apologise because he could see she was in pain because her parents have split up. He said she talked to him last night and said she felt really sad and angry that her parents have split up. I feel TERRIBLE about ths. Have been in absolute bits about it and very upset on the phone to my boyfriend about it this morning as I hate that I am the reason a child is so upset. Rationally I know if it wasn't me it would be someone else but I just feel awful. I was in floods of tears this morning and texts between us a couple of times today where I've said I feel really guilty.

Anyway - tonight I haven't heard a peep from him. I feel REALLY angry and upset that he hasn't bothered to get in touch when he knows how upset the whole incident has made me.

A long waffle but basically aibu to expect him to get in touch? I always seem to make the first move back to him so want him to reach out this time......

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 08/04/2014 22:30

Why assume I am trying to stir shit?

Knowing this will give some perspective as to the childs reaction, if she has overheard her mum talking about the OP as the woman who took daddy away.

Whiskwarrior · 08/04/2014 22:32

Easy to spot the bitter step-parents on here. And the irony of the talk of pitch-forks, while sympathising with a grown woman over a small child and suggesting the child is to blame.

ExcuseTypos · 08/04/2014 22:32

My response had nothing to do with the OP being a step parent(which she isn't at the moment). I was brought up by a step mother who was wonderful.

It's to do with the OP being an adult, rather than acting like, well a six year old.

Quinteszilla · 08/04/2014 22:33

I have no experience of step parenting, but sympathy for a confused child.

waltermittymissus · 08/04/2014 22:35

I'm guessing by your avoidance of the question that you were the OW.

So bearing that in mind you have to accept that his dc may act out very badly for quite a while.

If he and his dw decided to split they would have put a plan in place to help the dc deal, been open to talking, been prepared for questions etc.

If he walked because he decided he wanted to be with the woman he was shagging outside his marriage it will have come as a massive shock and left people unprepared to deal with it.

Scarletohello · 08/04/2014 22:38

People are making a lot of assumptions about OP being the OW. We don't know that so maybe people could just hold their horses for now? It's not helping!

waltermittymissus · 08/04/2014 22:41

Scarlet she's been asked several times and has answered all other questions.

It is helping (if it's true) because whether she liked it or not, it changes the dynamics.

WooWooOwl · 08/04/2014 22:41

No one is trying to tell the OP that her feelings don't matter, just that they aren't the most important thing in this situation. Because they aren't.

It's really not as simple as saying the child hit so the child should apologise. This is a child who is hurt and confused, and forcing her to make an apology when she doesn't feel sorry is not going to improve her relationship with the OP long term, which is presumably the most important goal here.

It's not the same as making a child say sorry for behaving badly or hitting another child, because in those situations the most important lesson you are trying to teach is that when you do something wrong, you apologise, and then you don't do it again. But here, the most important lesson the child needs is to learn that the ops relationship with her Dad doesn't mean that he loves her any less, and that his love for her won't change or be lessened, and that her feelings still matter just as much as they always did.

Forcing an apology is not going to help the child know the thing that she needs to know. And it's not going to help her remember not to do it again, because if her Dad and the OP continue to do the thing that hurts her, then she's going to feel angry and want to hit again, because she doesn't know how else to deal with the extreme emotions she will be feeling.

Making her apologise might satisfy an adult, but it will do nothing to help the child, and may actually detract from the lesson she learns when she is made to apologise for other minor, unrelated things, because if she doesn't feel it, it just teaches her that the word sorry means nothing.

FutTheShuckUp · 08/04/2014 22:47

I'm sorry but it DOES matter if op was the other woman. All the pain heartache and disruption kids go through when their parents split up is going to make any child mixed up but if this occurred partly because of a woman who now wants to play happy families with no consequence to her then it matters a lot. Put yourself in her shoes

FrontForward · 08/04/2014 22:47

By omission I'm assuming OP is involved in the break up.

I got together with DP very soon after marriage ended (too soon but these things are not planned). My DD played up horrendously for several months. She was the first and most important person in my life and had DP pushed me at all over her bad behaviour I'd have flung him further than I'd consider it possible

He didn't. She now loves him

Jollyphonics · 08/04/2014 23:35

OP if you were the OW (as your lack of denial suggests) then you've got off lightly.

It is to your boyfriend's credit that he's putting his child first. I had a succession of 4 stepmothers and my Dad consistently prioritised their needs over those of his kids. It destroyed our relationship.

Comeatmefam · 08/04/2014 23:57

Feel sorry for the daughter. Why would a child whose parents have split have to apologise for feeling upset and confused and jealous? Sad

gotthemoononastick · 08/04/2014 23:59

I am with cigarettes...this will end in tears.Run,run and don't look back!
This situation is what my grown up sons label as 'too much baggage',or 'a mission'.Really not worth it.Many other fish in the sea.

brdgrl · 09/04/2014 00:09
  1. Listen to cigarettes, she is talking sense.
  2. Get off AIBU and go to the stepparents board.
needaholidaynow · 09/04/2014 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 09/04/2014 01:09

you sound as though you're trying to be as understanding as possible of his DD's emotional responses. However, you're only human and haven't deliberately upset her. Hope it works out for you all.

Nancyandsid · 09/04/2014 04:02

I think you have skewered things sorry

The girl is upset because her parents have separated. She's upset with her parents separation. She has taken her frustrations out on her dads new partner but its not really you she is cross with is it?! You could be any Tom dick or Harry. If I was your boyfriends new partner, shed be hitting me instead.

If you think she's open to it can you have a little chat and say that you understand it must be very painful for her and be empathic. Also talk about you and her having a fresh start as you really like her and want to get to know her.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 09/04/2014 04:15

What needaholiday said

FreckledLeopard · 09/04/2014 04:51

I was a step-mother during my marriage to my now ex-husband. One of the main reasons we split up was because of his son.

My DD is now 13 and whilst it's pretty hypocritical in a way, I'm 99.99% certain I would never date anyone with children, certainly not young children. Someone with teenagers I might date as they would at least (presumably) leave home and go off to university. I've learned that I'm really not keen on other people's children and that I'm really not keen to compromise in this stance.

Thankfully not all people feel like this (which is good as otherwise I wouldn't find anyone to date, ever) and you sound like a pretty patient and thoughtful person so maybe you can make this relationship work. But speaking for myself, it's a hell of a lot easier if the other person doesn't have children.

CarryOnDancing · 09/04/2014 06:02

Could the question not be-why haven't you called him? If you've found it upsetting, imagine how he's found it?
You are an adult, the behaviour of a 6 yo in this situation is predictable and understandable.

Your OH must be in emotional turmoil after seeing the effects this is having on his child. If this were me, I'd be calling to be a shoulder to him.
I understand your position but I can't help but feel you are a little too self involved.

Original poster
bitpredictable · 09/04/2014 06:02

Thanks freckled. I have been wondering the Same thing.

The kids parents didn't split up because of me. We did however get together quickly (about 6mths) after they split. I wasn't avoiding the question - I was asleep. His dd and I have got on well the times we have met. Several times she has been at mine she has asked for a sleepover and was very excited about us going to her house. I do feel for her. I popped to the shops at the wkend and she came with me (at her request). She brought up her parents split and I gently talked to her. It was completely uncharted territory for me but I did say "you know your mum and dad love you more than anything in the world and always will". I don't want for a second for her to feel her dad has any less love for her now than ever.

One of the posters said I had more of a problem with him Than his dd and maybe you've hit on something.

I do miss my simple life which I had before him.

I'm also gutted that he didn't pick up the phone and call me last night...

Think ending it could be more favourable decision for me long term. He does come with a lot of baggage and the more I get to know him the more problems I see. Feels like now we are at this point with the kids that I need to go one of two ways!

OP posts:
Original poster
bitpredictable · 09/04/2014 06:05

The reason I didn't call him was because I wanted to leave him and his dd to have their space. I assumed he would call me when he got a chance. You're right to raise the question though. I think maybe I am a bit too "me me". Learnt in counselling that in my marriage I never put my needs in the equation so now perhaps I have gone too far!

OP posts:
Jollyphonics · 09/04/2014 06:32

I think that being a step parent so soon after a family break-up is hard work, and if you're not up for the hard slog of it then maybe you're better off out of it. Or you could just see your boyfriend without the kids. After all, it's relatively early in the relationship after all.

Original poster
bitpredictable · 09/04/2014 06:42

Yeah- that's another option... Thank you.
I just feel exhausted by it and it's such early days

OP posts:
chrome100 · 09/04/2014 07:40

That is why I would never date anyone with kids - far too much hassle.

Swipe left for the next trending thread