To be really upset after first weekend with Boyfriends kids....

[bitpredictable]

We have been together just over a year. He has two kids and I have one. We've met eachothers kids several times and everyone has got on well.

At the weekend my son and I went to stay at his place while his kids were there too. Me and my son shared a room (which me and boyfriend both decided would be best as we wanted to take it slowly with regard to the kids seeing us together physically.)

I am really conscious of how his kids might feel about me, and their situation and have thought very carefully about how to handle them. My conclusion was in the same way I would a friends' children, just make an effort but not OTT. So far that approach has worked well.

This wkend was the most time we have ever spent together and the first time they have seen anything physical between me and their dad. This evoked some unpleasant behaviour in his 6yo dd. (the other two were fine as normal but are younger.)

Over the weekend she was rude to me on a couple of occasions. He pulled her up on it once and made her apologise which she did. Then on the second occasion her dad and I were giving each other flirty playful shove and joking and laughing and she screamed "get off each other" and pulled my arm, hit me on the side and ran off. He said "don't worry we were only playing" and she said "not you, HER" and pointed at me. Now in that situation I think a child should be made to apologise but he just left it. I didn't feel I could say anything myself (although maybe I should have) so I said to him (on the quiet) "do you know she just hit me?" And he took her to one side and I heard him tell her she had to apologise but she didn't and it wasn't followed through. We then left where we had been (it was home time anyway) and went home separately (as was the plan.) she refused to look at me or say goodbye.

Now - I keep telling myself this is a 6 yo child with lots of confusing emotions and that I am the grown up... But I feel really upset about it.

I spoke to boyfriend this morning who said that he didn't make her apologise because he could see she was in pain because her parents have split up. He said she talked to him last night and said she felt really sad and angry that her parents have split up. I feel TERRIBLE about ths. Have been in absolute bits about it and very upset on the phone to my boyfriend about it this morning as I hate that I am the reason a child is so upset. Rationally I know if it wasn't me it would be someone else but I just feel awful. I was in floods of tears this morning and texts between us a couple of times today where I've said I feel really guilty.

Anyway - tonight I haven't heard a peep from him. I feel REALLY angry and upset that he hasn't bothered to get in touch when he knows how upset the whole incident has made me.

A long waffle but basically aibu to expect him to get in touch? I always seem to make the first move back to him so want him to reach out this time......

I can understand how you are feeling. Some years ago I dated a guy with 2 adopted children. The girl who was 9 felt very threatened by me and if we were holding hands she would try and come between us. They would also try and manipulate me into letting them do things their dad wouldn't allow. I didn't have kids so had no experience of how to deal with this but I felt hurt and excluded. All I can say is to try and be the bigger person but also to explain to your partner how you feel. My partner dumped me eventually so was no longer an issue.

Kids silly auto correct

I think you have handled the situation badly. She was clearly upset, and you made a point to boyfriend that she HIT you, and demanded an apology....

I think you have clearly shown him that you dont really care or understand his daughters position. You were in her home, against her wishes, taking up her time with her dad. And there you were, judgemental and only concerned that you have been wrong. Taste that feeling of guilt, this is perhaps the root of it.

I agree with superstarheartbreaker, the little girl needs time.
It is a huge thing to get used to having a new woman around. Does she know why her parents split?
Does she think if you were not around her parents would get back together?
You have to remember that to a child (or a large majority of children) their ideal would be to see mummy and daddy back together. They don't see the bigger picture, that mummy and daddy are better apart etc.
She needs to be reassured that her daddy will still put her first, that she is still important to him, and that their relationship will not be affected in a negative way by your relationship with her dad.
Let her take the lead for a bit, allow her to have some say in how much you all see of each other to a certain extent.
There is nothing worse than for the grown ups to try and force a relationship between a new partner and their children. (Bitter experience! And yes I did dislike my stepmum more because I was forced to get to know her before I was ready).
Just give it time.

quint... I told him she hit me as he didn't see and if my son hit a grown up (or a child for that matter) I would want to know. I did it discretely and didn't say anything in front of her. I then left them to it and not said to him when we were chatting this morning that I think if a child hits then they should apologise. Regardless of what is going on in their world.

princess think you are right and it is helpful for you to describe it as you do.

It sounds to me like you were telling him in a indignant sort of way, not like "bit concerned about your dds feelings, she just hit me, just so you know"

So a 6 yo was rude to you twice, once she apologised and the second time she didn't. You then demanded she apologise

No wonder he's not called you. He's probably made the sensible decision that you aren't suited to each other.

Sorry you are taking some flak here OP for what it's worth I don't think you have done anything wrong and I think you are right to hope your bf would ring you to check how you are feeling today!!

I would maybe text or call him to see how is daughter is today amd then explain that you are upset that your presence has upset her so much and ask him what he thinks is best in terms of helping her deal with it. Show him you understand and want to help and hopefully it will make it easier for you all.

Without prying were you part of her parents split? If so thenew reaction is wholly understandable although not acceptable and her dad should have pulled her up on it and followed through. If not then her behaviour is awful and he should have dealt with it strongly.

This is a confusing time for her but she needs to know that there are right ways and wrong ways to go about expressing how we feel. Crying and getting upset and angry is ok at her age, lashing out and hitting is not acceptable.

Could you maybe sit down as a couple and explain to her that you don't want her to be upset and that you would like it if you could try and be friends? Ask her what you can do to help her and maybe hold off on physical contact in her presence for a while til she adjusts?

Pm if you want to chat more (am a stepmum of difficult kids!)

Hold on! You've all been together a year? I'd have expected less of a reaction from the little girl tbh.

Perhaps because you were on 'her territory'?

My ds was 6 when I started going out with a guy (first proper relationship after his dad left) and while he liked my boyf and his son, 'sharing' me took him a while to get the hang of, but at no point would hitting/rudeness be tolerated.

I assume your DP has been separate a while before you came on the scene. Did your DP ask her if the relationship with you bothered her (i.e. Leading her) or did he ask her what was bothering her?

If I were you i'd back it up a bit, could you invite them all to yours next time? Not for a sleepover, but a visit.

Maybe focus on more 'couple time' for a bit. Enjoy the relationship before trying to blend things too much.

I would pretty much always agree that a someone who hits should apologise, but in a situation as difficult as this one, I think the parent made the correct decision in not forcing an apology.

All it would have done is build up more resentment on her part, because let's face it, she probably isn't sorry because she wants to hurt you in like you are (unintentionally) hurting her.

As the parent in that situation, I would have made sure that my child knew that she shouldn't have hit, but I wouldn't have forced an apology. I'd take the hint that my child was hurting and stop causing her to feel that way.

If you accept that she is understandably upset, is 6 years old, and that she should not be forced to apologise, then hopefully your upset should fade. I'm not sure why you were in floods of tears over this.

I agree with WooWooOwl.

You are the adult here.

How the fuck is he a Disney dad

Have you asked whether he is OK? Must be pretty upsetting to know that your daughter is feeling so unhappy.

Agree with other posters that your post seems to be about how you feel when I think there are other people who may be in more need of comfort (not least the 6 yo).

OP

I'm also wondering how old your son is? You may be less familiar with 6 year olds - it's a knotty age for many children. They seem so articulate but are struggling with asserting themselves, kicking against boundaries whilst still basically being very little kids. You may expect too much of her if she's a lot older than your son?

Of course she should've apologised - she's 6 not 2 and has to be told hitting is wrong no matter what she is feeling and the person she hit has to be apologised to. And unless your DP has the kids tonight I don't think expecting a text message or a phone call is unreasonable.

op you will get no where on this thread.

Your right, she should have been made to apologise. Regardless of who you are, the hitting of anyone is unacceptable.

some posters will have you believe that yours OR your dc feelings do not matter or exist now. You should take a back seat for life, rather than start to create the foundations of a strong stable family unit.

Don't waste your breath arguing here - go over to the SP board.

I've just texted him to ask how she is and how he is.

I was in floods of tears because:
A) I hate that my being on the scene causes a child to feel so unhappy
b) I feel gutted that after he dealt with her feelings last night and today that he didn't think to call me tonight to see how I was doing.

Thanks for the last couple of messages. Am feeling like the worst person in the world here :(

You still have not answered the questions if you were instrumental in their breakup.

I therefor assume you were.

Of course you're not the worst person In the world, but if you are to continue in this relationship, you're going to have to develop methods of coping with his children's ambivalent feelings towards you. I imagine the step parenting board will have advice about that, but your issue seems to be more to do with him than his six-year-old...?

You aren't the worst person hun!! You are human and have every right to be upset and hurt that he hasn't been in touch! He may just be embarrassed that his daughterbbehaved so badly and is hiding away til the dust settles!!

You will find on mumsnet that people love to bash step parents for pretty much everything I am afraid! There are a few who will help and see past their own issues but I am afraid most on here seem to have their pitchforks out for you

Quint That's not any of our business, you've said your piece no need to stir the shit anymore. OP has accepted that people think she is being a bit unreasonable

How the fuck is he a Disney dad

I'll tell you why - the fact that his dd hit some one and it could have been the fucking Easter bunny and he didn't deal with it. He choose the path of least resistance for himself.

He didn't make dd apologise because he didn't want her upset because he didn't want to deal with her.

It's absolutely not ok for anyone to go round hitting people.

During play group on Monday , a three year old kicked my 10 month old in the chest for no reason what so ever. Her father was horrified , delt with his dc by discussing what they had done, how very cross he was, had time out and made them apologise. All with out a single word raised.

It doesn't matter that she was six.

Jesus wept, it's because of threads like this (and the responses of some of the posters) that I would rather remain single than get into a relationship and do the whole step-parent thing.

My kids and their feelings will always come first. It is utterly selfish of adults to expect kids to just shut up and put up because they (the adults) fancy someone else.

As far as I'm concerned if my three kids don't ever want to be part of a 'strong stable family unit' then I'm not going to force them to. Hugh Jackman himself could turn up on my doorstep tomorrow and profess his undying love for me and I'd turn him down because he has kids and I have kids.

From what I read on here barely anyone likes their step-children (the vitriol on the step-parenting board towards step-children and exes is breathtaking). Why put them through it?

When I chose to have my kids I chose to make them my priority. If a relationship I go into causes me kids grief then the relationship is over, that's that.

OP, I agree with those saying head over to the steparents board.

I am wondering how long it's been since your boyfriend and his ex split up? As it still seems very raw for his eldest and she's only young.

On the other hand when my DSD was a teenager she went through a phase where she became very possessive of her dad. She hated us showing each other any affection, and very much tried to stake her claim on him. I think it was just her way of reassuring herself that she was still his daughter and he was still her dad. She was around 13 at the time. We'd been together at that point for around 11 years. Her parents split when she was a baby and she never knew them together, she had also lived with us for a really long time at that point. It did pass, she's 21 now and our relationship is fantastic.

My point is, although you're right to be upset and perhaps your boyfriend should have contacted you to see if you're ok, his dd is only tiny. She will accept you eventually. Maybe tone down the affection a bit in front of her for now, until she just gets used to having you around. Treat her like you would your own son and she should eventually come round. Also give her space to have a little one on one time with her dad (or including the other 2 smaller ones).