To be really upset after first weekend with Boyfriends kids....

[bitpredictable]

We have been together just over a year. He has two kids and I have one. We've met eachothers kids several times and everyone has got on well.

At the weekend my son and I went to stay at his place while his kids were there too. Me and my son shared a room (which me and boyfriend both decided would be best as we wanted to take it slowly with regard to the kids seeing us together physically.)

I am really conscious of how his kids might feel about me, and their situation and have thought very carefully about how to handle them. My conclusion was in the same way I would a friends' children, just make an effort but not OTT. So far that approach has worked well.

This wkend was the most time we have ever spent together and the first time they have seen anything physical between me and their dad. This evoked some unpleasant behaviour in his 6yo dd. (the other two were fine as normal but are younger.)

Over the weekend she was rude to me on a couple of occasions. He pulled her up on it once and made her apologise which she did. Then on the second occasion her dad and I were giving each other flirty playful shove and joking and laughing and she screamed "get off each other" and pulled my arm, hit me on the side and ran off. He said "don't worry we were only playing" and she said "not you, HER" and pointed at me. Now in that situation I think a child should be made to apologise but he just left it. I didn't feel I could say anything myself (although maybe I should have) so I said to him (on the quiet) "do you know she just hit me?" And he took her to one side and I heard him tell her she had to apologise but she didn't and it wasn't followed through. We then left where we had been (it was home time anyway) and went home separately (as was the plan.) she refused to look at me or say goodbye.

Now - I keep telling myself this is a 6 yo child with lots of confusing emotions and that I am the grown up... But I feel really upset about it.

I spoke to boyfriend this morning who said that he didn't make her apologise because he could see she was in pain because her parents have split up. He said she talked to him last night and said she felt really sad and angry that her parents have split up. I feel TERRIBLE about ths. Have been in absolute bits about it and very upset on the phone to my boyfriend about it this morning as I hate that I am the reason a child is so upset. Rationally I know if it wasn't me it would be someone else but I just feel awful. I was in floods of tears this morning and texts between us a couple of times today where I've said I feel really guilty.

Anyway - tonight I haven't heard a peep from him. I feel REALLY angry and upset that he hasn't bothered to get in touch when he knows how upset the whole incident has made me.

A long waffle but basically aibu to expect him to get in touch? I always seem to make the first move back to him so want him to reach out this time......

Have my first

Did you meet six months after his marriage ended or did you get together six months after his marriage ended? There's quite a bit of difference and it's interesting you said that you think you're the cause of the upset and feel guilty. You might also be reading too much into it - both my kids would get upset around that age if DH and I openly show physical affection and DS (7) still tries to pry us apart etc - he has also lightly thumped us which we haven't bothered too much getting apologies for (though he gets sent to 'the red chair' for hitting). Forcing a child to apologise when they aren't sorry is not a good idea IMO.

If you are the cause of the marriage breakup and knew about the kids it would be very unfair and irresponsible of you to now say it's all too much work and he has too much baggage.

Totally agree with pregnantberry.

Learning to apologise when you feel remorse is important but hardly the biggest issue in this situation.

If you want the relationship to have a future you are going to have to take it very slowly and understand that it may take a long time. It isn't going to be easy. If you don't want it then it is best to leave now.

I think brdgirl had given some amazing advice. I also think the child should have been made to apologise for hitting. She had to learn from her parent, that hitting is not an appropriate way to manage her emotions. One of the first times I met my dss he kicked me for no real reason - dp punished appropriately and dss was made to apologise. As you would if your child hit anyone else.

Mimishimi do read the whole thread.

Really, you think brdgirl has given amazing advice? Wow.

Some people really are the polar opposite of 'child centred' aren't they?

brdgrl has given some very good advice.

You on the other hand clearly haven't read the thread or you would understand what a complete idiot you sound like comeatme

Yes I've read the thread and my position remains unchanged.

Btw I have nothing against step parents (who actually does?) - I can't stand it when a) people don't fully, properly appreciate what a child goes through when a step parent comes into lives and that their behaviour might be awful as a reaction to the turmoil they can't express. And b) step parents on this board afoot a victim mentality which really just means 'people are disagreeing with me'.

Do feel free to continuing to use insults rather than any coherent argument.

Adopt not afoot!

No one is saying that the child isn't going through a horrendous turmoil but that doesn't mean that it is easy or unwarranted that the op is upset.

If you had read the thread you would know that part of the upset is because the child is upset!

Either offer helpful advice or don't post because vile attacks are unnecessary

Good post pregnantberry

Whether she did or did not apologise isn't the point here.

It is actually a point, though. Making a child apologise is not simply about the child feeling actual remorse, which no, you can't force. But it is also about teaching empathy (you did something which hurt someone else) and social acceptability (you did something which isn't ok).

This is why we teach children to say sorry before they are developmentally capable of regret. It is about socialisation and development.

A child who sees that (s)he can hit someone else and have zero consequences for that behaviour is not being properly taught how to manage her feelings and impulses OR how to relate to others.

And SIX is certainly old enough to be engaging in this process.

but pretty much impossible to 'force' a 6yo to accept that her parents are split up and now she has to accept you as a new girlfriend. Acceptance, by definition, comes with time, not force.
I wasn't talking about her acceptance of the situation. I am talking about her behaviour. Which needs to be considered on its own merits, not excused to the detriment of the family.

The consequence isn't apologising. It's hurting someone.

You don't teach empathy by making a small child apologise. You teach it by pointing out the consequences of their actions 'it hurt and upset them when you hit her'

I feel REALLY angry and upset that he hasn't bothered to get in touch when he knows how upset the whole incident has made me

This isn't about you. This is about a 6 yr old child. Perhaps try seeing it from another point of view. I think a child needs more assurance than a grown adult who knew what they were potentially getting themselves into.

Give the little girl time. She has had a lot to deal with.

Good luck.

Op come over to step parenting. It's very quiet over there, you don't get too many arseholes ready to tell you that you're the bad one for struggling in your situation and that your feelings don't count.

Step parents are the most hated group on mn - aside from mother in laws.

And yeah - brdgirl has always given good, insightful advice into step situations. What helpful advice have you given, comeatme?

I think not pushing the apology was appropriate. She was trying to get attention and ignoring/downplaying was probably meant to defuse the situation. He knows his daughter and the best approach to take and I agree you are probably overthinking it.

Of course yanbu to feel upset he hasn't contacted you to talk over how it went.

The consequence isn't apologising. It's hurting someone.

No, that's not correct. The consequence for the person HIT is that they are hurt. The consequence for the person hitting is less clear. A person who does wrong, who hits, may feel remorse, but as has been pointed out, this is not necessarily the case. He or she may experience social censure - this is another possible consequence. Or he or she may have no consequence at all and go on completely unaffected by their own action. Does this really need to be explained?

Obviously, this particular facet of the discussion is a disagreement about parenting and child development, fullstop. I can't fathom not making my six-year-old daughter apologise for hitting someone, at a minimum.

For those saying an apology or reprimand is not in order, I wonder if they feel the same way about the girl hitting her younger siblings. Or is it only the dad's girlfriend who is a fair target? I am actually gobsmacked that there are people who think a six year old who hits should be given a free pass.

(Actually, my own daughter would be given a timeout as well = and if you use timeouts as advised by a great many professionals, you will know that an apology is a standard requirement of these, for children much younger than six!)

sorry - response to estya, obviously.

Thanks jacksprat. :)

I'm so confused by the responses on this. I've lost count of the amount of "children hitting" threads there have been on mumsnet and never have I read that it isn't important for the child to acknowledge they have done something wrong by way of apologising. That is what an apology is at that age surely? Not teaching empathy, or teaching them anything other than to acknowledge wrong doing and having to say sorry reinforces that.

In no way is this the little girls fault, she lashed out. Her Dad should have made her apologise but at the moment it was a one off so it has been blown out of proportion slightly (by many PPs).

The OP hasn't said that she's upset and this kid is the spawn of satan. She has said she is upset that her boyfriend (who possibly was a bit out of depth and didn't know the right way to handle the situation) didn't acknowledge that it was hard for her also (acknowledge to her not in front of the child then but by way of a phone call later). I would call my partner if they were upset about anything to check in with them and see they were OK. In fact I'm pretty sure the OP said she was upset because the child was upset.

Introducing kids to a new relationship will rarely be easy. I'm a single Mum and if I meet a man that I care enough about to want to introduce him to my child I will. Why shouldn't I? If my daughter was to physically lash out it would treated the same as if she hit a friend, another child or a family member. Why wouldn't it be?

I also can't understand posts saying the OP shouldn't tiptoe round this child either. She bloody should for now. You have to ease kids in gently (which they have been doing thus far) why ruin that hard work and make an even worse situation for everyone (especially the children) by disregarding that this little girl is struggling and force the relationship upon her anyway.

She was happy with the days out before so truthfully OP I would go back to that for another couple of months then try an overnight (not a weekend). See how that goes and if after a few times it's going well then step it up.

Meep as usual we aren't miles apart, but I disagree about the tiptoeing because I think it's time has passed, in a sense. After more than a year, the OP and her OH spent a weekend in his home, and by her account, were hardly laying it on thick, but simply taking things to the next level in 'blending' their families.. The fact that the girl responded badly may be understandable, but I don't agree that it means that the response should be to dial it back. Give her time now to get used to this next phase before moving on again, sure, but going backwards now could actually be, IMHO, detrimental to all involved.

Now obviously, no one can say that a year is 'enough' for anyone else to grieve or accept a new situation. It could be that this girl would be upset in ten years time at the idea of the OP sleeping in her home! And the girl's parents should certainly be working to help her through her feelings, not acting as though they aren't there. But I don't think the solution is to continue to pretend that there is not a significant relationship between OP and the father; instead, I would focus on helping the DD to accept this and maybe even to see it as a positive development.

Letting her think that she controls her father's relationship, or the pace at which it develops, is not a good idea. That isn't just about protecting the OP's relationship, but it is also about what is best for an upset little girl. (Despite what some people think, we stepmums are often mums to daughters too, and do actually care about the well-being of anonymous little girls on the internet just as much as the non-stepmums!)

Letting her think that she controls her father's relationship, or the pace at which it develops, is not a good idea

I agree

Thanks for all the advice....

While I am debating whether I can go further into the step parents things will move over to that board.....

I think you are wise to move onto step-parents board. Step-mums do get a lot of grief in here, especially if you dare have feelings. You are automatically assumed to be selfish and uncaring for secretly venting your natural emotions on an anonymous forum. How dare you be upset! You must be a princess!

Unless you feel nothing, in which case you are an ice-queen.

Good luck.

I think the father should put his children first and not daye until his DC are a lot older and more independent