To be really upset after first weekend with Boyfriends kids....

[bitpredictable]

We have been together just over a year. He has two kids and I have one. We've met eachothers kids several times and everyone has got on well.

At the weekend my son and I went to stay at his place while his kids were there too. Me and my son shared a room (which me and boyfriend both decided would be best as we wanted to take it slowly with regard to the kids seeing us together physically.)

I am really conscious of how his kids might feel about me, and their situation and have thought very carefully about how to handle them. My conclusion was in the same way I would a friends' children, just make an effort but not OTT. So far that approach has worked well.

This wkend was the most time we have ever spent together and the first time they have seen anything physical between me and their dad. This evoked some unpleasant behaviour in his 6yo dd. (the other two were fine as normal but are younger.)

Over the weekend she was rude to me on a couple of occasions. He pulled her up on it once and made her apologise which she did. Then on the second occasion her dad and I were giving each other flirty playful shove and joking and laughing and she screamed "get off each other" and pulled my arm, hit me on the side and ran off. He said "don't worry we were only playing" and she said "not you, HER" and pointed at me. Now in that situation I think a child should be made to apologise but he just left it. I didn't feel I could say anything myself (although maybe I should have) so I said to him (on the quiet) "do you know she just hit me?" And he took her to one side and I heard him tell her she had to apologise but she didn't and it wasn't followed through. We then left where we had been (it was home time anyway) and went home separately (as was the plan.) she refused to look at me or say goodbye.

Now - I keep telling myself this is a 6 yo child with lots of confusing emotions and that I am the grown up... But I feel really upset about it.

I spoke to boyfriend this morning who said that he didn't make her apologise because he could see she was in pain because her parents have split up. He said she talked to him last night and said she felt really sad and angry that her parents have split up. I feel TERRIBLE about ths. Have been in absolute bits about it and very upset on the phone to my boyfriend about it this morning as I hate that I am the reason a child is so upset. Rationally I know if it wasn't me it would be someone else but I just feel awful. I was in floods of tears this morning and texts between us a couple of times today where I've said I feel really guilty.

Anyway - tonight I haven't heard a peep from him. I feel REALLY angry and upset that he hasn't bothered to get in touch when he knows how upset the whole incident has made me.

A long waffle but basically aibu to expect him to get in touch? I always seem to make the first move back to him so want him to reach out this time......

It could be just an age thing too- my DD gets cross if me and DH show each other affection and we are both her bloody parents!!

First off, I have no direct experience of stepparenting but can't help but feel surely it's totally normal for the child to take priority? Is this not more about your upset with your partner? Sounds potentially hazardous IMHO.

Oh for heaven sake the op has said she's upset that her bf's daughter was upset! She has also said that it took an emotional toll on her and she would have liked her bf to acknowledge that after his daughter had gone home and he was alone.

She is human people not a flaming robot so stop being so damn judgemental and bitchy and try showing some compassion for someone who is struggling

I agree with most about the child needing time and support but I would be worried about the impact on own dc. I would not tolerate them hitting me even if I know the reasons behind. I do not know how you would separate boundaries of what is acceptable if another child is allowed to be rude and lash out. I would see this as a setback and you need to go back a few steps maybe begin with spending more time at yours so there is no crossing of territory.

Ok then, OP, let's look at this. Apologies if thsi is a long reply, or not very well organised, but there have been so many assumptions and bits of flawed thinking on this thread already...

• Several comments have been made about this being a new relationship. You've been with him over a year, right? Sure, that's not a lifetime, but I think it's pushing things to call it "new" at this point.

• Do not, absolutely do not, "treat her like you would your own son", as one poster has suggested. She's not your responsibility (except of course on any occasions where you are left in charge of her by her father - in which case you'd bear the same responsibility you would for any child you were babysitting - but it sounds like that isn't the case anyway). You say you've been treating her like you would a friend's kid..that's good; I'd personally approach it something more like a niece or nephew at this stage in your relationship.

• I feel TERRIBLE about ths. Have been in absolute bits about it and very upset on the phone to my boyfriend about it this morning as I hate that I am the reason a child is so upset. Rationally I know if it wasn't me it would be someone else but I just feel awful. I was in floods of tears this morning and texts between us a couple of times today where I've said I feel really guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about, and making thsi about your guilt is actually a sort of martyrdom you can't afford to indulge in if you want to make a go of this. You are not responsible for the emotional well-being of your partner's children. He is, their mother is - you are not. You cannot let yourself or your own child become hostage to their feelings.

• You say that you didn't prioritise your needs in your past relationship. Don't make that mistake again. If you go forward with the relationship, you deserve to be on an equal footing with your partner, at the head of a family together - not an appendage, and certainly not as a sad sack who isn't entitled to respect or protection from physical or verbal attacks.

• My DD is not quite four. She would most certainly be made to apologise to anyone she hit, no matter what her state of mind at the moment. She acts badly when she is tired or upset, because she is a child - but she doesn't act with impunity. Your OH was very wrong not to insist on her apologising to you, and missed an opportunity to actually HELP his daughter learn how to manage her sadness about the circumstances of her life. He is setting himself, her, and you all up for serious trouble, and this would be the focus of my upset over the incident. If he can't understand that consistency, house rules, and respect for you as a human being are fundamental to your future together, or to his DD's development, then yeah, I'd walk away now.

• Your OH was thoughtless not to call after this happened. I think it's a relatively minor point compared to the rest, but yeah - I'd be annoyed that he didn't check in.

• Start as you mean to go on. OK, it's been a year already, so maybe this is a bit late, but - IMHO you really do need to have expectations of the kids and of your OH that are consistent with how you want things to be in your life together. Personally, I was so keen to be 'liked' by the DSC that I allowed them to take the piss - and allowed my OH to make excuses for it - for far, far too long, and it just made things harder in the long run. I put up with 'dumb blonde' jokes, with the date interruptions, with the snarky comments and eye rolling, and the complete disrespect, where I would NOT have tolerated it from anyone else. Big mistake. (Not long after we started dating, for instance, 11 year old DSS referred to me - openly - as "one of dad's whores" - I cringe to think now that he was allowed to get away with that! And no, I wasn't the OW, nor did OH have a procession of girlfriends after his wife died and before me! Not that it matters, actually.) Be sure about your own boundaries, and defend them. If there is one thing I could go back and tell myself - that would be it.

Agree with FTSU - I sometimes feeling like thumping people who are being flirty or lovey dovey in my vicinity. I don't do it of course, but there's a part of me that wants to, so I have sympathy with the 6 year old.

brdgrl - I'm horrified by that 'whores' comment! :(

I wonder why the little girl exploded this particular weekend?

OP, you say you've been taking it very slowly around the children and that 'this was the first time they have seen anything physical between me and their dad.'

Do the children actually know that the two of you are boyfriend/girlfriend? Have you been pretending to the children that you are just normal friends? They literally have never seen you hug or kiss hello or goodbye even? They don't realise that you are now a couple?

It must have been a bit of a surprise to her then. She may feel angry that she misunderstood/was misled. Everything changed this weekend. Not because you rushed things, but because you've been taking a little bit of a strange approach to being together around the children (IMO). Kids can handle the truth. They can understand mummy and daddy are no longer together and won't be together. They can understand mummy and daddy now having new partners. They can even understand mummy or daddy sharing a room with their new partner.

I think it's worse to pussy foot around, myself. Kids like to know where they stand, what's happening, clear boundaries, and clear information. Then they feel secure. You don't have to go overboard - it's 'yes I'm sharing a bedroom with X because she is my girlfriend and that's what grown ups do' not 'I'm sharing a bedroom with X and having sex with her', obviously.

I think maybe the overcompensation/taking this so very slowly/deceiving the children about your relationship may well have caused this outbreak all of a sudden, when the penny dropped.

Oh and their understanding things is not the same as their necessarily liking it. But they have to come to an acceptance of the situation as it really is. A kind but firm approach, with honesty, is best for this. She won't like the idea that mummy and daddy will never be together again, but in a way it's cruel to keep the hope alive for her, by daddy pretending he's not moved on and now got a new partner. She can definitely understand it all.

I'm not a step parent however hitting is not acceptable in my house full stop. I would make my daughter apologise to anyone she hit regardless of who they are.

I can also see why you think he should have called. In his potlsition I would. But in yours I would have rang him.

In saying all of that I have more sympathy for his DD. It's got to be hard and confusing for her.

Yeah I do understand your point Kentish.

Maybe we should have been more honest. I suppose we just felt the first time I stayed in their house it would be less intrusive for her if I wasn't in the room she used to see her mum and dad in. Totally accept maybe that was wrong. We have told the kids we are "friends" so maybe that was wrong too... Guess we just wanted them to be able to get to know us without the pressure of "I am daddy's girlfriend and I'm on the scene now" hence going super slow with playdates here and there (of which the kids have always asked for more and always enjoyed".

It's such a minefield isn't it. Spoke to him today and she is fine,seems happy, he tells me I am over worrying and that she will get used to it in time (he had a stepmum).....

I think that yabu, the 4 children involved in this relationship have a much harder time than you and your dp, you have the option to opt out at any point, the kids don't.

A playful shove can seem quite physical to a child who doesn't understand flirty physical touch, maybe she thought that was ok for everyone to do.

I think you have over reacted with the tears and drama, it could be alot worse. She is a 6 year old child who is probably confused, worried and angry.

Poor 6 year old having to witness her dad flirting about with some woman who will probably not be about in 6 months, meanwhile poor child feels her mum is being betrayed. Tough, he loves his kids more than you and so he should. Not sure why any woman would chose this moment to flirt with boyfriend, unless it was to demonstrate to kids who 'owns' Daddy, which I imagine was the reason. You don't have the maturity to manage this situation and you haven't shown any regard to childs feelings. Hopefully he has realised the above and is dumping you.

She's 6

She lashed out

I don't think there should of been any contact flirty or otherwise between you two in front of the children on the first time u were all together

She is struggling with her emotions

Oh, did I mention, she is 6!!!!

Really monkey? Bloody hell. Should he never meet anyone or introduce them to his kids?

They have been taking things slowly. Do I feel sorry for the child? Absolutely 100% because she's upset. Do I feel sorry for OP? Yes although possibly a bit OTT but I can see why it would be upsetting for her too.

Are parents who have separate not allowed to move on in that part of their life. They weren't snogging - it was a playful shove.

Yes my sympathies are more with the child, of course they are. She's only 6 and she is probably feeling a bit threatened, confused and out of sorts but they haven't rammed their relationship down her throat from day 1 by the sounds of things.

Some people on this thread have gone a bit crazy over this. There is a lot I don't agree with when it comes to people introducing their partners but give OP and her partner their dues, it sounds like they have tried hard to ease the kids into this.

Jess christ monkey you are a real charmer!!!

If you bothered tonneau the thread you would see hownhard the op has tried to save the feelings of all the kids

Piss off with your vile comments

monkey, did you get dumped today, or are you just lashing out like a six-year-old yourself?

Poor 6 year old having to witness her dad flirting about with some woman who will probably not be about in 6 months
What are you basing this nasty assumption on? They've been together for a year, as presumably all couples that stay together will be, or have been, at some point. I guess you think that if someone has one broken relationship behind them, they are incapable of forming a long-term relationship with anyone else. How sad for you.

Tough, he loves his kids more than you and so he should.
Hmm. I'm not the least bit sure my DH loves the kids more than me. I suppose he would say that he loves us differently. He certainly doesn't do things to make me feel he loves them more. Does your own partner love the kids more, monkey? How sad for you.

Not sure why any woman would chose this moment to flirt with boyfriend
I think the "moment" was a weekend at home, a year into a relationship, at the point where two loving adults have decided to begin to blend families. Seems totally normal to me. Or does your partner not flirt with you or touch you in front of anyone else, monkey? How sad for you.

Wow monkey that was a bit harsh!

I don't think I own their daddy (or anyone else for that matter!) it wasn't the first time we have all been together and I can see that it was too much for her. I'm not perfect but I am trying. I see how the tears and drama may have been too much but that is how I felt.

brdgirl I found your post from this morning really helpful so thank you. We have got some child free time together this weekend so I will have a chat with him about where we go from here re:the kids.

Sorry I am a bit late to the thread, but thought I would chirp up anyway.

Oh no, bitpredictable, you are getting some unfair comments here. Please try to ignore them - you made it clear that you know the 6yo is hurting badly but some people seem to have trouble comprehending that that doesn't mean that you don't have emotions as well and are entitled to express them. Real people experience conflicting emotions some times and that is totally normal in this kind of situation.

I went through similar feelings. I moved in with DSS's dad when DSS was 4 and it went well on the whole but there were a few times when he was about 5 where he got upset about the reality that his mum and dad were not going to get back together. Totally normal, probably part of him will always romanticize the the years when they were together, especially since he hardly remembers the reality of them, and I sympathize with that. I also felt, however, a little sad inside myself that I felt like the 'spanner in the works' (though I was never the OW) to a completely innocent little boy's happiness. It felt bad to me personally that my relationship, which was a source of great happiness to me, was totally incompatible with the thing which, at that moment in time, was causing him so much upset. That is also completely normal, because I, like you, am a human woman with emotions of my own, not a scare crow or a blow up doll.

It sounds to me as though she needs some more time, not more discipline. I wouldn't worry too much (just for now) about the dad hesitating to tell her off for being rude to you because it sounds like that could just cause feelings of resentment. I wonder if you are just doing things the wrong way around - she maybe needs more time to get used to the divorced situation. I know it might feel like she has already had a while, but as I also experienced, sometimes there is a delayed 'sinking in' of the harsh reality for children of that age. Maybe your DP could have some gentle heart to hearts with her in the mean time if he is any good at that. I'm not saying back off completely, maybe just put off having the 'whole weekend' visits for a while, that way you can carry on a good relationship with his younger two as well, and he can have a relationship with your son.

I'm sorry your boyfriend is being insensitive. It does sound more like thoughtlessness than being mean though. Maybe try and have a constructive conversation with him about what would be a good approach moving forward and just mention how he made you feel. If it happens again then maybe make a bigger deal about it to him, but for now it could just distract from the main issue at hand if you see what I mean.

OP some people have given you a really hard time here.

You came home and got upset and cried? you are human, you can't help being upset.

I am usually one of the first ones to stand up for step-children when I think they are being treated unfairly but you have done nothing wrong here.

You obviously were concerned about the little girl as well, you do not sound selfish or mean at all. You said you were in bits and felt guilty as you feel bad the little girl was upset, that shows you have compassion so please do not let anyone here make you feel bad. Some just like a bun fight and to see the worst in people, it is like some have no empathy gene and expect adults to be like robots with no feelings.

Hopefully within time it will all become easier. My children have two step parents and get on beautifully with them both, however, I personally don't think I could have ever been a step parent. I would find it all too hard.

I think it might be an idea to take a step back, meet on mutual grounds again for a while etc.

Pregnantberry's post was spot on.

Agree with those who say move to SP's thread. Step parents have a horrible time on here. Most of them seem to be trying to do their best, as you seem to be, but you'll be the butt of gratuitously unpleasant remarks like monkey's.

Agree with all those saying this is the absolute worst place to post. Although you need to understand the little girl's feelings, your dp must also ensure that his children show you respect and it's absolutely never acceptable for a child to hit. Just because you're going out with a man with kids doesn't mean that you have to accept everything that's thrown at you, you're a person with feelings too! If your dp values your relationship he needs to let his dd know there are lines she can't cross while ensuring that he talks to her about her feelings. The parent in this situation does have a balancing act to carry out but if he is going to let this go I agree you would be better off out of it. My dp would never have let my dsd hit me.

I don't think setting clear boundaries about not hitting and showing understanding and sympathy for a child's obvious distress are mutually exclusive. It should be possible to do both. I also think making children apologise in every situation is over-rated. Sometimes it's pragmatic not to force an issue.

Sometimes it's pragmatic not to force an issue.
and sometimes it's pragmatic to force an issue. Think this is one of those!

I think it would make sense to 'back off' if this were actually a new relationship being rushed into. It's not. I think kentish is actually right to say that it may be time to stop tip-toeing around.
bitpredictable, good luck with the talk with OH...do let us know how it goes (on SP board maybe!). x

brdgrl apart from forcing the issue that it's not okay to hit people, it's not only not pragmatic but pretty much impossible to 'force' a 6yo to accept that her parents are split up and now she has to accept you as a new girlfriend. Acceptance, by definition, comes with time, not force.

You can come down on her like a ton of bricks for saying something or doing something which seems rude, and who knows, maybe it will work and she will pretend like she isn't deeply unhappy. But it won't help the root of the problem which is that the 6yo has some underlying unsettled issues which she needs to come to terms with. The only effect that force would have upon the way the girl perceives the OP (which is important in the long term for their relationship) is very, very negative.