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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 27/02/2014 11:56

Diddums.

Enb76 · 27/02/2014 11:57

YABU - what was she meant to do, just let your child take the toy? In playgroups it tend to be a 'whole village raises a child' mentality.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 11:57

She didn't discipline him...she took the toy back and told him not to snatch.

I'm not sure what you mean about saving 'No' for serious crimes, why on earth would you do that?

follygirl · 27/02/2014 11:58

It is hard to know if you were BU or not.

I don't normally discipline other children unless they are in danger (about to climb a wall/ drown) or are hitting my children. I do get fed up of parents who seem quite happy to let their little darlings snatch toys or hit/bite/scratch my children because their little darlings are allowed to express themselves.

She probably shouldn't have raised her voice but to be honest it sounds more as if you were a bit embarrassed that your little one had been naughty.

mymiraclebubba · 27/02/2014 11:58

Personally if I was the mother of the other I child I probably would have said similar to her sorry. Probablynot wwith a raised voice but I would have said something to your chikd

MyNameIsKenAdams · 27/02/2014 11:58

What sort of serious crimes do you envisage your toddler committing?

Tbf at 19mo you shpuld have been there to deal with it immediatley.

PlainBrownEnvelope · 27/02/2014 11:59

Is this your first child?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/02/2014 11:59

I think it is a good idea for adults to tell children no when no is appropriate!

I don't think they have to be a parent to do that. In fact, I think the more people that guide a child the better.

CoffeeTea103 · 27/02/2014 11:59

Absolutely nothing wrong with what she did. How else will your child learn its not acceptable if he is not told 'no' it's wrong.

BuzzardBird · 27/02/2014 11:59

You really need to 'up' your teaching of manners though because other people won't stand for it...sorry.

Picturesinthefirelight · 27/02/2014 11:59

A child will learn to understand no much easier than don't do that sweety pie diddums

Yabu

trampstamp · 27/02/2014 12:00

Sorry but if parents won't then other people would and should

I often see in soft. Play ECt child snatching biting and hitting while parents sit and look on

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 12:00

Because lots of people think if you say 'no' all the time it loses it's impact and children ignore you when you say it in a serious / dangerous context

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 27/02/2014 12:02

Other mother did the right thing, perhaps a little louder than nec. But certainly better that than 'saving no for serious offences'.

At 19 months I wouldn't expect the offences to get much more serious than snatching the odd toy?

Pumpkinpositive · 27/02/2014 12:03

She didn't "discipline" your child. I thought you were going to say she belted him round the ear. YABU and precious.

Weegiemum · 27/02/2014 12:03

You are being seriously PFB about this.

"No" is a word children need to learn means "don't do that". It's for every wrong situation, not just "serious crimes" (though I, too, am wondering what these might be?).

As the other mother, I'd have done the same, I'm afraid.

Lottiedoubtie · 27/02/2014 12:03

X post.

It only becomes ineffective when said ineffectively.

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 12:03

Fair enough to those who think IABU. But just to clarify I was supervising my child but she was nearer so got there first. And I was going to tell him off and get him to pass it back!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:03

Because lots of people think if you say 'no' all the time it loses it's impact and children ignore you when you say it in a serious / dangerous context

Ime kids will ignore you anyway unless you tell them firmly that something is wrong.

That's exactly what the woman did and your child will have to get used to hearing 'No' from strangers, if his Mum isn't going to say it.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/02/2014 12:03

It doesn't need an impact. Consistent guidance, instant action and regular reinforcement is what teaches a child appropriate behaviours over time. If you save it for very important things, then that's not going to help a child absorb all the little things.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2014 12:04

"and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. ". Oh dear oh dear ....

cory · 27/02/2014 12:05

For your own sanity, and for the sake of your ds' chances of enjoying a good social life, you really do need to toughen up a bit. She said 'no' to him, she didn't put him on the naughty step or make him write out 500 lines of Virgil.

Of course, you can choose to stand on your principles here. But then you will probably have to accept that people will tend not to want to interact with your lo at all.

My own hunch is that your principles will probably go out of the window the first time another child snatches something off yours or pushes him over.

Pumpkinpositive · 27/02/2014 12:05

Because lots of people think if you say 'no' all the time it loses it's impact and children ignore you when you say it in a serious / dangerous context

So she was standing there saying no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no, was she?

Hmm
FloppyPoppyCocky · 27/02/2014 12:05

You'd hate me. I walk through these places leaving a trail of told off children in my wake. I will not allow my 1 year old to be pushed, hit or have toys snatched off him without the child being told it's wrong. If their parents won't tell them then I will.

ComposHat · 27/02/2014 12:05

Blimey when I saw the thread title, I expected to hear that someone had attacked your little darling with a baseball bat.

YABU the parent acted in fair and responsible way.