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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
cory · 27/02/2014 12:18

She quite likely didn't realise you were going to deal with him. These things happen quickly, not worth worrying about.

I know at the moment it seems like it's you and your ds in a bubble of your own and his education is entirely a matter for his family.

But unless you intend to move house before he goes to playschool, these are going to be his future mates, these are going to be the parents who invite (or do not invite) him for parties and for days out, these will be the children he goes to school with.

It is an enormous social advantage to your children to sell yourself as a calm reasonable parent whom you don't have to walk on tiptoes around. Really cannot be overestimated. My children are teens- they still benefit from the fact that people remember feeling comfortable around us.

At my toddler group we had one lady who was very precise about everything having to be just so, everybody having to interact with her son in exactly the manner that she believed would be best for his development. Funnily enough, we lost touch with them quite quickly. It was just too much like hard work, remembering exactly what Mother would want or not want.

ForgettableTampon · 27/02/2014 12:19

Tbh I do feel that no no no is terribly draining and negative.

We said Steady a LOT when ours were wee.

That said there is nowt wrong with being a tad closer to hand at 19 months, ready to intervene (also to be ready to parry a blow or block an attempted bite from your child or another, oh the joys!)

Chin up chuck

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 12:20

gosh I am really surprised the MN verdict is against the OP. I would never say no or take a toy off another child. Especially if that child is under 2. I would tell my child that smaller children don't understand about sharing and that it would be kind to let them play. By this point the OP would have interfered and given back the toy.

In fact I have had this situation...my DD then gave back the toy to the younger child and I thanked her for sharing.

Maybe our local soft play / play group is more well middle class. It is all after you...no after you. And sharing is valued more than clinging on to possessions coz I had it first.

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 12:20

Blimey so many of you are missing the point. I don't think it's acceptable to allow my child to snatch a toy and that's why I was on my way over to deal with it.

The room was set out with chairs for the adults round the outside so four sides of a square. The incident took place directly opposite where I sitting and right in front of the other parent. So she got there first but could see I was also on my way. I didn't think this was especially relevant in my op but you seem to think I'm sat on my arse while my naughty ds runs riot!

Ds is quite naughty so I will take on board all the good and helpful advice people have been kind enough to suggest. But I don't think this one instance is particularly serious sorry - it happens all the time at the groups we go to and ds is often on the receiving end!

OP posts:
StarGazeyPond · 27/02/2014 12:20

If I said no for every little thing my ds did wrong it would be all I ever said!

And if you DON'T say 'no' then he will learn that 'every little thing he does wrong' is ok, won't he?

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:22

At my toddler group we had one lady who was very precise about everything having to be just so, everybody having to interact with her son in exactly the manner that she believed would be best for his development.

OMG I'd forgotten all about those sort of parents! Grin

I think there's one in every playgroup isnt' there?

Fascinating to watch and quite exhausting too.

FrigginRexManningDay · 27/02/2014 12:22

Speaking as a old bag parent with years of experience of both mine and other peoples toddlers, the words No, Stop and Dont you Dare will just roll off your tongue as second nature. Relax OP.

waterrat · 27/02/2014 12:22

overreaction from people here - no, I would not want another parent speaking sternly to my young toddler unless really necessary. Personally I would not get het up if someone snatched from my son - I might say hold on a minute he was playing with it but I would not speak in a forceful way if their mother was nearby.

its over the top and would piss me off.

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 12:23

good grief the more I read the more astounded I am.

Do people really think at 1 and half a child is being aggressive in taking a toy? They don't have capacity for that kind of motivation!

maybe by two and half....I think my DD just about now understands anger and aggression as motivating forces...but there is no way whatsoever that even an advanced 1.5 yo can be aggressive.

ForgettableTampon · 27/02/2014 12:23

Pfft at taking a toy being aggressive at 19 months!

This age is all about impulsive behaviour and managing it according to the child's stage of development and understanding

NinjaLeprechaun · 27/02/2014 12:24

If you tell a child 'don't do [behaviour]' they usually miss the word don't entirely, and only hear 'do [behaviour]'. When they're little, no is often exactly what they need to hear. Backed up by redirection or other appropriate action, of course - otherwise it does just become meaningless noise, just like repeating vaguely 'oh, don't do that dear, it isn't nice...' is just noise.
I do wonder, though, if the other mother actually 'shouted' and 'snatched' or if that was just your perception.

HighlanderMam · 27/02/2014 12:25

I save the word no for situations like you describe as well.

Too many times I see parents saying no to their child over and over, the child is deaf to it.

When I say no, in a raised firm voice my toddler immediately stops what she is doing, the bottom lip comes out, quivers and sometimes tears flow.

She hears it and she listens, if I saw her about to touch something hot/dangerous or run into danger I could say no and she'd listen. It's a valuable word.

As for the situation you describe I think YABU. In these situations it's muddle through I'm afraid. Yes it would get my back up a little, and yes it's stupid to snatch a toy from a child then tell them 'don't snatch'. But I'd get over it pretty sharpish.

It's really not a big deal.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:25

Maybe our local soft play / play group is more well middle class. It is all after you...no after you. And sharing is valued more than clinging on to possessions coz I had it first.

WTF? We're talking about babies here...not a day in the life of Enid Blyton.

Small kids cling on to things, especially when another small kid tries to snatch it off of them.

That doesn't mean the parents...no matter what 'class' they happen to be, don't teach manners and sharing.

They're teaching their kids to respect the rights of others as well as themselves.

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 12:26

Mogwai seriously your DS is too young to be naughty.

star kids are very much smart enough to work out what behaviour is okay for themselves (once the correct developmental milestones have been reached). Constantly telling them over and over again what to do is more likely to lead to them not bothering to understand for themselves and failing to develop their own personal morality. Mum isn't always going to be there to tell them right from wrong....

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/02/2014 12:26

Star just because the op doesnt want to say no to everything doesnt mean he will think everything he does is ok. There are other words you can use you know.

Actually I tried not using no so much with ds3 as id read loads of threads on here about negitive words etc etc. It didnt last long

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 12:26

worra so where are the parents manners in snatching the toy back?

WTF with saying "don't snatch" while snatching?

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 12:26

Peri glad you noticed Grin

OP posts:
IceBeing · 27/02/2014 12:27

I think an older bigger child can understand that a smaller one doesn't understand about sharing...

So thats why I would not snatch the toy back of the baby.

Algea · 27/02/2014 12:29

Going against the tide...but I think I would have been a bit irritated to see a grown up snatch something from my child (any child!) whilst simultaneously shouting 'Don't snatch!' It hardly makes the lesson a clear one.

Would have felt irked too if I was almost there ready to intervene but it was done on my behalf. Those of you who say the OP wasn't on the ball enough - so you trial around a couple of inches away from your toddler at all times? How stifling nice for them.

knickernicker · 27/02/2014 12:30

It does make a mum feel very uncomfortable when another tells their child off. I would only do what the,other mum did if the child snatched repeatedly and noone was supervising.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/02/2014 12:30

Agree ice

Algea · 27/02/2014 12:30

Sigh. Trail even.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:31

Truth be told I don't imagine the woman 'snatched' the toy back...probably more that the OP is wound up about it.

This is such a non event.

Child snatches toy from another child...other child's parent is nearest and deals with it by saying "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

End of non event.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/02/2014 12:32

Also I dont think there is any need to helicopter a 19 month old in a small room, unless they are a biter, smacker etc as long as you can see what they are doing at all times

Anonymai · 27/02/2014 12:33

You can't win at toddler groups. You either don't say anything and hope the parent disciplines their child (and they don't) or you do say something and the parent gets the hump because you didn't follow your script.

If you don't like other people saying something when your child does something, hover better.