Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
PPaka · 01/03/2014 21:36

Bloody hell, think I've walked into some strange universe

The child wasn't bothered, the mother told off a child for nothing

Mogwai, you're not being unreasonable, I would never have told off another child unless they'd hit someone over the head with it, and even then I'd wait to see if a parent came over

TamerB · 01/03/2014 21:43

My 18 month old was told off for far less! I ignored it. He forgot it within minutes. These things will happen. You have to understand that you can't control your child's environment unless you stay at home without visitors.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 22:17

You have to understand that you can't control your child's environment unless you stay at home without visitors.

I don't think so. We all have the right and at times a responsibility to call people who behave inappropriately towards children. It isn't a case of let anyone do whatever they see fit or stay at home.

Different people draw the line at different places. I would find it unacceptable enough to address it. In fact, as a childminder, I would consider it part of my job if this happened to a childminded child. That doesn't mean I can't cope with other people interacting with my children or need to micromanage their environment Hmm

I could easily say that those who wouldn't say anything aren't courageous enough to step up and protect their children but that would be just as ridiculous and judgemental. I just accept that they would draw the line at a different place which is fine.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 22:29

It is fine drawing the line, I have done it myself. I recall a stupid woman telling my 6 yr old not to be childish in a children's playground! However I couldn't stop her, I couldn't get her to think there was anything wrong with it- I can only control myself. Once your children are out and about they will meet all sorts and your job as parent is help them to cope with it.
OP was slight indeed- she 'spoke loudly' and OP was 'a bit miffed'- hardly a battle worth fighting.
When the other mother told off my 18 month old ( younger than the baby in OP) I just thought that in a years time when her baby got to the same age she would have a different view.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 22:40

You drew the line where you felt was right for you and your child in those particular circumstances. That is as it should be.

Maybe you could try to accept that others have the right to do the same and they could make a different decision for reasons which are just as relevant and proportionate.

Yours is not the only way to be a good parent.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 22:46

I think you are missing my point completely! Of course you can draw the line, tell the person what you think, if it makes you feel better, or you think it necessary. The other person can still have the last word, think they were in the right, not have any remorse and say they were fully justified and will do it again. You are hardly likely to get through life without such incidents and that one was mild.
It is like the child saying 'you can't tell me off, you are not my mummy'- the comeback is that 'I can and I will if I think it warrants it'

TamerB · 01/03/2014 22:47

OP could have told the woman what she thought, the woman could have disagreed- where has it got you?

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 22:54

OP could have told the woman what she thought, the woman could have disagreed- where has it got you?

If you could be certain that speaking to her would be completely futile, there would, of course, be no point it raising it but you can't can you?

It could mean that she thought twice in future. We'll never know, will we?

TamerB · 01/03/2014 23:04

We would never have known if she had spoken
. I have my doubts that anyone who shouts at a baby would think twice in the future. It is a lovely thought that you speak politely and assertively to someone and they say 'I'm terribly sorry, I didn't think and I won't do it again'- but it is not the real world.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 23:22

It is a lovely thought that you speak politely and assertively to someone and they say 'I'm terribly sorry, I didn't think and I won't do it again'- but it is not the real world.

Oh, I'm sure I have such great diplomatic skills that she would immediately go out and buy me a bunch of flowers to thank me for showing her the error of her ways.

I really am that thick! Hmm

It doesn't sounds like you have any doubts at all TBH. You sound quite convinced that you know exactly what would happen and that your approach would absolutely be the only right one.

That's quite ironic considering what you're arguing Grin

TamerB · 01/03/2014 23:28

I expect OP has lost the will to live!
She has probably got over being miffed now.
Next time she can say something if she wants- there will be a next time with someone else.
You certainly don't have to do it my way- it won't suit all.
My only point is that similar situations will happen again- unless you are very lucky, when out of the home you can't control who says what, you can only react afterwards. You can react how you like. My personal choice is not to fight a battle if you are merely a 'bit miffed'.

Custardo · 01/03/2014 23:35

i think M&T groups are the work of the devil, children don't die or end up loners with no friends as a consequence

it is all bull shit

nightmarish, horrible self inflicted torture

much better to have constructive play at home until children are of an age where they can understand better at 19months - they are just working things out in the world

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 23:42

Custardo, I was always under the impression that they were for the benefit of the parents who needed some adult conversation until I started childminding and the parents wanted me to take their children.

Custardo · 02/03/2014 00:20

i think we are somewhat societally guilted into thinking its the thing to do to 'socialise' your children.

its horses for courses of course. if the op likes going, then situations like this are par for the course. if she doesn't like it, then i just want to let her know - and anyone else, don't martyr yourself, its bullshit,

TamerB · 02/03/2014 06:46

I went to groups like that for me to get out and meet people, which is why I wouldn't go around getting into rows with people if they merely retrieved a toy in a different way to me.
Custardo is quite right that if you do choose to go to them it is par for the course and you are highly likely to come across that situation or similar.
My only point is that you can't stop it, you can only choose your reaction afterwards- I would save it for the important stuff but if you want to make an issue of minor stuff it is up to you, just don't expect it to resolve anything or to make you feel better.

Abitlikechicken · 02/03/2014 06:56

Jeeez....this is what's wrong with the world. She was out of order putting your kid straight? You tolerate this at 19mths (yes, you were on your way, you were going to intervene...she doesn't know that) and bit by bit your tolerance levels grow, he'll end up as teenager being back up by you when he swears at teachers, this is where it starts!

2tiredtocare · 02/03/2014 07:54

Yes that's where it all starts Hmm

MiaowTheCat · 02/03/2014 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 02/03/2014 10:40

which is why I wouldn't go around getting into rows with people if they merely retrieved a toy in a different way to me

The aggressive behaviour was coming from the woman who shouted so loudly at ops child, everyone looked at her.

Every group I go too there is always loud noise, mums chatting, children squeauling and so on, it must have been loud to rise above all of that for others to hear.

Goldenbear · 02/03/2014 16:58

I deliberately hunted out a group that is not accommodated in the church hall kind of environment because my main motivation was exercising DD. I did go to a church hall one but I found I couldn't talk to other parents and keep an eye on my toddler at the same time. The one I go to now is run by the leisure centre and takes place in a huge sports hall and has lots of stuff to do- bouncy castle, ride on toys, trampoline, balance beams and shapes to climb over. Sitting down activities like puzzles and a craft corner- there is so much to do and it is a vast space so there aren't many fall outs. I have to pay a hundred pounds a year but I can go to it 4x a week if I like. I've been going for about 1.5 years and no one really befriends you which suits me as I'm just going for my DD to exercise. OP it depends why you're going obviously but there might be something near you like this?

TamerB · 02/03/2014 19:18

The moral of the story is - if you don't want to risk someone saying something you don't like than keep away from groups.

Goldmandra · 02/03/2014 19:31

The moral of the story is - if you don't want to risk someone saying something you don't like than keep away from groups.

Yes, everybody. Remember that by attending a toddler group you are signing away your right to have any expectations regarding how other people choose to interact with your child, however inappropriate that interaction may be. Never, ever consider challenging someone for treating your child badly in any way because Tamer says it won't ever give anyone pause for thought and it will inevitably turn into a full scale row which causes terrible trauma to all the DCs in the vicinity.

Anyone who may think differently is, of course, naive and completely wrong.

ThisSummerBetterBeDarnGood · 02/03/2014 20:09

The moral of the story is - if you don't want to risk someone saying something you don't like than keep away from groups

I have been going to toddler groups for years and not had any problems with this sort of thing.
I think OP was unfortunate and ran into someone who had had a bad day or was rough. Smile

kerala · 02/03/2014 20:29

Ooh I went to a rough toddler group once. Dd was going through a hitting stage (18 months) so I shadowed her like a hawk and warned the other mothers. In response I was told "if she hits my lily I'll slap her back". Ok....backed away slowly at concept of enormous woman slapping my baby

TamerB · 02/03/2014 20:34

Of course she was unusual ThisSummer, but it happens.
I will have my last word, because it is getting rather tedious and no wonder Goldmantra gets uptight if she gets so upset by my simple point.
you can't control who interacts with your baby all you can do is react afterwards. That is entirely up to you how you do it but I would not bother with those that leave you slightly miffed. The woman is not going to be banned because she gave the toy back to the original child, using a loud voice. ( it is one word against another anyway and we have one side only)