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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 27/02/2014 12:54

YABU, the fact kids think they can do anything to strangers and they're not allowed to say anything back is the reason we have so many little shits around these days.

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 12:57

YANBU, my DS is 14 months and if another toddler took a toy off him I would wait for the parent to say something if not move him on to the next toy, if someone left my one year old 'crying in their wake' I'd be severely pissed off, there are a lot of people on this thread who come across more PFB than you and definitely more aggressive than a toddler.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 12:57

Yep same here Ice Its a sort of un written rule to let tiny ones have first dibs as they don't understand and older toddlers to learn to share and have empathy with the babies.

I have been to only one group in four years (older dc) where a lady snatched a toy out of my 14 months old hand, at my 14 months old first ever toddler group, we had been there ten mins. My dd had walked up and simply taken the top block off a little tower of blocks. My 14month was treated to a dirty look and the toy snatched back.

Then I saw this lady was related to the person running the group so obviously felt more ownership over the toys. I am not going back.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 27/02/2014 12:58

100 agree with Worra all way through.

Op is actually "went to play group" as feck all happened.

Op, here's a grip. You're going to need it if going back....

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 12:58

I just don't know how we as a society have got to a point where we're too scared, to simply tell a small child that what they're doing is wrong

because worra the woman was being a bitch and not acting as the model of good behaviour.

Feminine · 27/02/2014 13:00

Those saying they'd say something sound paranoid about their own children getting a 'life' experience'

I have three children...this 'snatching' happened to all of them at some point.

I didn't feel any social duty to 'tell off' the other child Confused

I nicely asked for it back, and gave the other child a different toy if I couldn't see Mum. Sometimes I even let the other child keep it! Imagine the shame ....Wink

Francagoestohollywood · 27/02/2014 13:01

YABU. Although I don't think, had I been the other mother, that I would have bothered that much if a 19 months baby had snatched a ball from my child.

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 13:01

It is one of the greatest parenting mysteries to me that it is overwhelmingly understood to be the case that small children learn best by example, yet people persist in trying to enforce the rules by doing the exact opposite of what they want the child to do. Children copy. They do as their parents do.

So it seems blindingly obvious that if you don't want your child to hit, then you don't hit.

If you don't want your child to shout/swear you don't shout and swear.

If you don't want your child to randomly take things off others you don't do that to them or others.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/02/2014 13:02

Yes, Worra, I know what you mean. DS1 is almost 17 & was a very naughty active little boy. I could tell him to do or not do something until I was blue in the face and - if he was in the right mood - he would just ignore me completely. One word from a stranger & he would behave himself immediately!

I think it's also to do with the cliques at toddler groups - the other girls' mum is firmly part of the 'in crowd' and I am definitely not, having not long moved to the village & not really knowing anyone. Some of the other mums are friendly, just not any of that particular group. I feel that I am eyed with suspicion already Hmm. Maybe I just need to grow a backbone & not give a shit what anyone else thinks!

Francagoestohollywood · 27/02/2014 13:02

Indeed Feminine Smile!

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 13:02

Well said Golden Bear.

Sarahschuster · 27/02/2014 13:04

Really failing to see what the big deal could POSSIBLY be with a parent saying "no, he was playing with it" in any sort of voice, loud or not.

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 13:05

seasicksal I 100% disagree with you. The reason we have so many little shits around is because people think it is easier to control kids by shouting, hitting and generally bullying them.

Have you come across the idea that most bullies have learnt the behaviour at home?

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:05

It's just a bit..pathetic

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:06

To raise your voice and snatch a child from a toddler that is

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:06

Toy ffs

merrymouse · 27/02/2014 13:07

I wouldn't take it upon myself to assume that a random 19 month old even understood what I was saying.

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 13:08

worra there is a difference between being too scared to "tell kids off" and buying into the idea that there is overall a much more effective way of modifying childrens behaviour though isn't there?

I don't tell my daughter off because I have found that to be far less effective than allowing her to realise for herself what she has done wrong. In the first case I tell her off and fuck all happens, in the second case she never does it again.

drivenfromdistraction · 27/02/2014 13:08

Actually, I think the other mother/carer was wrong, and rude.

FloppyPoppyCocky · 27/02/2014 13:08

The example of telling off here is saying, "no, don't snatch." Hardly a telling off really. Posters that say they tell children off, me included, are using this as an example of 'telling off.'
Hardly hauling them off to the naughty step and shouting at them.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 13:09

The reason there are so many little shits around is because they have not been taught to share and be nice to others.

I have a 14 month old and a 5 year old, my five year old is taught to understand that the 14 month old doesn't know what she is doing. My 5 year old is not being told its OK to snatch back the toy and be cross with 14 month old!

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:10

She snatched it back, very childish.

merrymouse · 27/02/2014 13:11

I have to agree with Santa though.

The odd shouty stranger can be very useful in parenting. I think there was an episode in Desperate Housewives where Bree spanked one of Lynettes' children, and she was initially really affronted but then saw that it was a win win situation...

FloppyPoppyCocky · 27/02/2014 13:12

But snatching a toy off of a child isn't sharing is it? It's snatching something that someone is playing with. Sharing is waiting until they have finished or asking to use it, which is hard for a toddler and thus a parent needs to be with them or accept that another parent will tell them no.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 13:12

Oh Yes and Bree kids turned out really well didnt they Confused

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