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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:05

And don't forget, the mother who took the toy back and told him not to snatch was setting a good example to her own child.

Kids must get confused when they're told not to do something, but see other kids getting away with doing just that.

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 12:05

Serious crimes = about to touch something hot / dangerous / sharp etc or any aggressive behaviour eg pushing / pulling hair

If I said no for every little thing my ds did wrong it would be all I ever said!

OP posts:
TheJumped · 27/02/2014 12:07

YABU, and agree with the pp who said play groups are like 'it takes a whole village to raise a child'. Don't be so defensive in future - and feel free to tell other children off, or praise them, help them with drawings, keep an eye on them while you nip to the loo etc. Relax, seriously. And your saving 'no' sounds a bit bonkers. Use it when necessary.

RagamuffinAndFidget · 27/02/2014 12:07

The only thing that I think the other mother did which was a little U was to grab the toy back from your DS - she shouldn't snatch from him if she's trying to teach him about snatching, IYSWIM? She should have asked him to give it back, to show him the correct behaviour.

As far as her actually telling him not to do it goes, YABU, sorry.

ComposHat · 27/02/2014 12:07

Well op your way sems not to be working particularly well, so maybe he needs to hear the word no a lot more often.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/02/2014 12:08

Lesson learned OP.

Next time, watch him better.

And maybe start saying no a bit more often eh?

Or you will be the mother all those other threads about playgroups/softplay are about....y'know, the "mother sits doing sod all while kiddo runs round battering all the others". And you don't want that.

19mths is little, and it is natural for him to want that car, and to snatch it. It doesn't make it acceptable though.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/02/2014 12:09

It's not about discipline, punishment so much as it is about guidance. So you do say no a lot during the early years, because you are teaching them so many basic skills and no, and later on short sentences are what a toddler can understand. They can't process now then darling, let's sit and talk about this, we don't take a toy because that makes the other person feel sad, and sharing is a vital social skill...

they can't process all that.

so no as guidance. teaching them what is and is not ok.

It's not about telling them off, as such. Not in the 'Bad Bad Boy go to the naughty step' way

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:09

If I said no for every little thing my ds did wrong it would be all I ever said!

Welcome to parenthood! Grin

Seriously, when my kids were little I think the neighbours thought I'd named them all Noah.

All they must have heard through the walls was "No...Arrggh!!"

It's just the way it is and kids (no matter how often you tell them no) do understand what it means.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2014 12:09

"If I said no for every little thing my ds did wrong it would be all I ever said!"

Are you saying your child is always naughty? Maybe in that case you should be saying it more often.

cory · 27/02/2014 12:09

MogwaiTheGremlin Thu 27-Feb-14 12:00:52
"Because lots of people think if you say 'no' all the time it loses it's impact and children ignore you when you say it in a serious / dangerous context"

Right. So other children should just accept having their toys snatched because that is not serious or dangerous?

And when he gets to school (only a few years away), the teacher should just have to accept any behaviour that is not serious or dangerous? Even if it disrupts the other childrens' education? And you think the other parents won't mind? And you won't mind if he doesn't learn anything?

OwlCapone · 27/02/2014 12:10

She didn't discipline your child. Calm down.

I am, however, laughing rather more than is healthy about saving no for more serious crimes...

Pregnantberry · 27/02/2014 12:10

I personally wouldn't bother 'disciplining' another child unless they had been left in my care.

But I wouldn't be too miffed about your experience, with the reasoning that if you snatch something off a stranger, some people might shout at you. It's a natural consequence and all the more incentive not to do it.

Fleta · 27/02/2014 12:11

*Serious crimes = about to touch something hot / dangerous / sharp etc or any aggressive behaviour eg pushing / pulling hair

If I said no for every little thing my ds did wrong it would be all I ever said!*

I'd find a sharp "STOP!" far more likely to discourage behaviour in terms of avoiding a dangerous situation.

But seriously if you said no a little more often you might find slowly you say it less and less.....

I had a late walker. Very late. I spent a lot of time saying "no" to other people's children because children would snatch from her because she couldn't chase and get it back.

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 12:11

Ok unanimous so I accept IABU! But please please can I reinforce that I was going to discipline ds myself! Of course I know how important manners are and I would never ignore naughty behaviour.

Oh and at 19 months ds has been bitten, scratched, pushed, pulled, and had numerous toys snatched off him - he may be my first but we do socialise you know and this is pretty standard toddler behaviour no?! In each instance I have left it to the parent / carer to discipline their child and they have always done so.

OP posts:
MyNameIsKenAdams · 27/02/2014 12:12

Tbf if you pulled your child up on every thing they did wrong theyd misbeahve less this meaning uou would have to scold them less.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 27/02/2014 12:12

Actually as you were on your way over to deal with it I think she should have just let you deal with it.

cory · 27/02/2014 12:12

MogwaiTheGremlin Thu 27-Feb-14 12:05:59
"Serious crimes = about to touch something hot / dangerous / sharp etc or any aggressive behaviour eg pushing / pulling hair "

ok- so if another child was forever taking your child's toys, that wouldn't be serious behaviour and you wouldn't want the other parent to ruin her child's education by saying no to him?

do you think it is particularly good for a child to grow up realising that other children can just walk roughshod over him and nobody will do anything?

Periwonkle · 27/02/2014 12:14

Mogwai - you did a little "no?" at the end of one of your sentences. Lol.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2014 12:16

No-one doubts that you were going to deal with it

It's just that there was no need because the woman dealt with it

It's really not a big deal and it certainly wasn't 'discipline' at all.

I always found I could tell my child 'No' 1000 times but as soon as a stranger told them 'No', they'd actually listen and stop doing it immediately.

It's good because it teaches kids that their actions, impact on the people around them...not just on Mum.

zoemaguire · 27/02/2014 12:16

I'd be more than happy for someone to tell my toddler off for this - though 'no, we don't snatch' hardly counts as telling off. It takes a village and all that, and your dd is probably more likely to listen if it is another parent reinforcing lessons already learnt at home.

zoemaguire · 27/02/2014 12:16

cross-posts with worra!

Goblinchild · 27/02/2014 12:16

You need to be faster Mogwai, more pre-emptive.
No good saying you were going to get around to it, too late.

TheJumped · 27/02/2014 12:17

I probably day 'no' about 700 times a day. It's called parenting a toddler. You just have to make an effort to praise lots too. Distraction etc all work well, but if it's something he knows is wrong and needs a reminder, then 'no' is the only word really! It doesn't have to be shouted, but it definitely needs to be used. Time to trust he wisdom of MN here OP, you're wrong on this one and will end up with an unruly child who will be unwelcome on playdates if you don't step up to this. You're his parent, not his friend. Can't believe I'm saying that to a parent of such a tiny child, but you need to think of bringing your child into social situations and help him behave accordingly, not chicken out of saying no because you want to be the good guy.

FloppyPoppyCocky · 27/02/2014 12:17

I imagine the mother didn't know that you were on you way over as in my experience a lot of parents couldn't give a shit that their kids run riot and it all gets a bit wearing. I was actually going to start a thread today asking about how to deal with a child whose mother ignores her very horrid behaviour.

littledrummergirl · 27/02/2014 12:18

Serious crimes = about to touch something hot / dangerous / sharp etc or any aggressive behaviour eg pushing / pulling hair

And taking something of another child isnt aggressive???

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