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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
IceBeing · 27/02/2014 13:13

er..really? hitting other peoples children is a good idea?

Confused
merrymouse · 27/02/2014 13:13

I don't know - I never got further than series 2.

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:13

The snatcher was 19 months old, what's the other mums excuse!

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:15

You shouldn't hit your own kids let alone anyone else's

growingolddicustingly · 27/02/2014 13:15

OP is lucky that he didn't take a toy away from my DD at the same age. She was playing with a truck at toddler group when a boy came and took it from her. Before anyone adult could intervene she had him up backed up against the wall and was saying "No! Shares Shares!"

Mind you at 5 she turned to a group of young teenagers in a cafe and asked them "Wot you looking at?" Mortifying.

bodybooboo · 27/02/2014 13:16

I never ever used toddler groups with either my own kids or as a cm my minded kids.

they are what the Tories would say a 'university of crime' where the nicest kid learns that to snatch, bite, kick and scratch is definatly the way to get the best toy while mummies just sit in their arses and chat.

vile places. far far better to leave the kids at home with partner or babysitter and meet mum mates in the pub.

kids learn to share by the age of 3/4 unless they have sn as that's what's socially acceptable and they get friends that way.

no toddler understands taking turns and sharing. it's utter rubbish to expect them to do so.

I am 50 and hate sharing but know I have to. Grin

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 13:17

floppy the point is a 19 month old cannot be expected to share. But an older child can.

So in order of age:

  1. a 19 month old is blameless in taking the toy and there is no point disciplining them because they won't have any idea what you are getting at.
  1. an older toddler should probably be reasoned with into giving a toy they had taken back or disciplined if you think that helps. They can also begin to understand that a baby is blameless in behaving this way (although apparently some adults are too dim to get it)
  1. An adult woman taking a toy off a 19 month old is an idiot and should try and have a think about the example she is setting both her own child and the OPs.
drivenfromdistraction · 27/02/2014 13:19

19 month olds don't share, or play with others much anyway. That comes gradually over the toddler years. People who would shout/snatch etc. from a toddler are ridiculous and unpleasant.

I might take the toy back if it belonged to my DC, but I would do it in a nice friendly way, and offer them something more interesting. If I saw who the DC's mother was, I'd give you a smile and say something friendly. Isn't that how playgroup works?

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:20

That's not true of the toddler group I go to bodybooboo

merrymouse · 27/02/2014 13:22

I'm not being entirely serious.

I can recall a couple of incidents where somebody told off one of my children in a manner that I thought was unreasonable, but it was helpful in the end because it demonstrated to my children that you have to be sensitive to everybody's opinion whether or not you think it is right e.g. some people do not think it is OK to walk up the slide.

Sometimes you can tell your children till you are blue in the face that their behaviour isn't appropriate to the situation (obviously phrased in a more child friendly way), but until some complete stranger complains they don't get the message.

None of this applies to a 19 month old who probably didn't have a clue what the shouty lady was saying.

IceBeing · 27/02/2014 13:23

I need to do some statistics but it really seems to me that the calmer more rational more enlightened views often turn up much later on threads than the frothy unenlightened ones....

Maybe there is an obvious reason for this....like middle class people getting up later or something....Grin

Of course the OP may well disappear under the weight of the crazy and never come back and realise that over all their point of view was supported...

Feminine · 27/02/2014 13:25

I hope so Ice Grin

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 13:25

This thread is good and proper MN gold another slow day HQ

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 13:29

Struggling to keep up with the replies on my slow laptop but I accept the majority think IABU and more than a little pfb so I will adapt my behaviour accordingly.

Thank you to those who expressed understanding of my point of view - you put it much more eloquently than me!

For what it's worth I don't think ds' behaviour was aggressive (he's 19 months ffs!) and it is simply not possible to always be the fastest person in the room. What if Usain Bolt was at the playgroup?! Grin

I was heading over to discipline ds myself and would have said something along the lines of 'Ds don't snatch. This little boy was playing with it. Now pass it back nicely'. Ds is no Einstein but I've always done this and he does seem to understand and usually complies. I didn't realise how 'alternative' / bonkers that was though so I'll get over my aversion to 'no' pronto!

I do not expect other people to parent 'my way' but I do think in most cases it's best to let the actual parents discipline their child as they see fit. But I accept most people think she was perfectly reasonable to discipline ds so I'm obviously wrong on that.

I guess my two real objections are to her raising her voice and snatching the toy. In my opinion both actions are inappropriate for such a minor incident and set a bad example.

Off to lick my wounds for 'pathetic, pfb, didums, non event, get a grip' etc!

Thanks again to those who posted helpful techniques / strategies.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 27/02/2014 13:31

Agree with "drivenfromdistraction". I have often had to explain to my children how to politely retrieve a spade that has accidentally been borrowed at the sand pit. It's more along the lines of "would you like to play?" than "don't snatch!".

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 13:32

I think your mistaken op I think the balance is in your favour, just.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 27/02/2014 13:32

Dont go back to that toddler group.

AchyFox · 27/02/2014 13:34

made my way over Grin

I try to save "No" for serious crimes Grin

pianodoodle · 27/02/2014 13:34

I've found with young children, as with dogs, the faster you correct them after the event the more effective it is - otherwise they just forget what the action was that they shouldn't have done Grin

It's probably a bit annoying if someone else tells your child off but she got in there quick and no harm done.

I probably wouldn't have snatched it back but I wouldn't worry about it too much.

If she'd snatched it back then kicked him up the arse it would be different...

drivenfromdistraction · 27/02/2014 13:36

it is simply not possible to always be the fastest person in the room. What if Usain Bolt was at the playgroup?!

Does Usain Bolt have DC? Now I really want to see him in action at a playgroup. Don't imagine him getting too wound up by a bit of toddler snatching tbh.

pianodoodle · 27/02/2014 13:42

I haven't read any books - most of my parenting is based on how my mum did things and the only other views I see are on Mumsnet....

What's the big deal about saying "don't snatch" and saying "no"?

Worried I'm actually a monster but haven't realised! I say "no" plenty, along with a few "don't you dares" and "no no no never ever ever do that do you hear me? Neveeeeer!" Blush

2tiredtocare · 27/02/2014 13:44

To your own DC or someone else's?

Supercosy · 27/02/2014 13:44

There's nothing wrong with saying no to someone else's child or reminding them to behave kindly but there's very rarely any need to raise your voice and I say this as someone who has worked with young children for many years. You can be just as firm without being loud and attracting the attention of everyone else in the room.

I would've felt just like you OP. I can't stand shouty parents like that. Both children were very little and in my experience parents who rush in and tell other people's children off in an ott way are rarely happy if the same happens to their own child.

Feminine · 27/02/2014 13:45

Who are you saying that to piano?

To your own -no problem.:)

Goldenbear · 27/02/2014 13:45

Please don't follow some of the really bad advice on here just carry on doing what you are doing consistently- you will have a much calmer, laid back older child as a result. I don't mean to patronise but if they are your PFB then I think it is harder to have the courage of your convictions and a parent will end up bowing to pressure to conform even if their gut instinct is saying the opposite. I did this alot with my now nearly 7 year old and I think it was confusing for him. With DD who is nearly 3y I have taught her to get over things quickly and to be careful around babies etc and she is a very placid little girl- she goes to something called 'bounce and roll' rather than church hall play groups and it is in a huge leisure centre sports hall- bouncy castle, little tike cars, trampoline- lots of stuff to argue over but I can honestly say she never does as I've just taught her to seek out something else exciting.