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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
innisglas · 05/02/2014 15:33

Weddings are so expensive, it is just not possible to invite everyone you would want to invite.

I never had a wedding and am glad, as I would hate to offend people I love because I couldn't afford to have a cast of thousands.

WooWooOwl · 05/02/2014 15:33

I think YABU.

It completely depends what type of wedding it is, and having a very small ceremony then a big party is a perfectly legitimate wedding.

If other friends are going then I'd be disappointed to be excluded by someone who was part of my own wedding party, but if they are having close family only, then it's no reflection on the way they feel about you at all.

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 15:34

I think YABU

It can be difficult seating so many people for a meal...not to mention expensive.

ThursdayLast · 05/02/2014 15:34

Or it could mean,
I don't have an unlimited budget. I can afford only a small venue in which to get married. A lot of our funds are going on what we hope will be a wonderful evening do that we'd love for you to attend.

fay144 · 05/02/2014 15:35

I don't think it's fair to have expectations of other people's weddings.

They invite you, and it's up to you whether you go or not. Some of the best weddings I've been to have been as an evening guest only. I don't resent buying presents for people in those cases, as they were people I would buy for regardless of whether or not I was invited - I don't see wedding presents as a fee for a service.

(Though I didn't have evening only guests at my wedding, as it wasn't that sort of do)

ThursdayLast · 05/02/2014 15:36

At least I hope that's how my guests will read the invite they get from us soon Wink
Otherwise there's going to be a lot of affronted people, but not many at the do

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:37

Really? the worst wedding I've been to was an an evening guest.

And this isn't a small wedding, it's at a big hotel. We're just not important enough to waste dinner on.

if it was local I probably wouldn't mind so much, but this is a major faff and we don;t even get to see the bloody ceremony, which is (or should be) the whole point of the wedding. Why bother?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 15:38

Maybe they have a limited budget/numbers etc....
If you feel that way on receiving the invite I wouldn't go

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:39

I guess I mostly feel bad for DH who doesn't have very many close friends and, at this rate, will only have been invited to the ceremony of one friend. That makes me feel pretty sad for him and cross for myself

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/02/2014 15:40

Evening invitations are really only acceptable for local guests.

If you are inviting someone to travel for your wedding and spend money on accommodation, you really should feed them properly and invite them to the ceremony.

Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 15:40

"Not important enough to waste dinner on"
I really wouldn't go if that's how you feel.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 05/02/2014 15:41

I think it means I can only have a few people at the proper wedding but come to the drunk fun party at the end and we can hang out..

the ceremony bit is boring anyway

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 15:41

So don't go then.

I really can't see how receiving an invite to such a special occasion, has somehow insulted you.

So you and your DH aren't guests of honour, but you are at least invited to the celebration.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 05/02/2014 15:42

I do think if you were an usher though it's weird you wern't invited to the "Proper wedding"

wowfudge · 05/02/2014 15:42

Hmm - how far would you have to travel? I once got invited to a friend's wedding 200 miles away for the evening do only. Voted with my feet - I don't honestly think it's on to do that to friends. If she'd rung me and discussed I wouldn't have minded attending the church service and then going to the latter part of the reception. It felt like inviting me was an afterthought.

Tricky in your circumstances though if the bride has more input and doesn't know you as well as the groom does.

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:43

Maybe I'm just odd in that I see the ceremony as the important meaningful bit, rather than the piss up at the tail end of the day.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 05/02/2014 15:43

If it's too much of a faff, don't go. decline politely, but see if you can make an arrangement a few months after for them to come for lunch or something, so DH gets to see his friend, and you both get to know the woman a bit better.

If DH doesn't have many friends, help him cultivate the ones he does have. Invite them over as often as you can, or encourage him to go out with them, doing whatever they do together (you know - pub, sport, whatever).

TheListingAttic · 05/02/2014 15:44

Why bother?

Don't bother then. It's an invite, they're not kidnapping you.

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:44

It's about 120 miles away. And we have a small child (not invited, though that isn't an issue per say, just another complication)

OP posts:
princessalbert · 05/02/2014 15:44

I had to have the extra guests at the evening do.

The venue that we wanted would only seat 70 for ceremony and for the wedding breakfast.

Any friends or family who had to travel any distance were invited to the full shebang, but we did have to make the decision that we only had space for some at the evening event. (no designated seating, buffet disco thing). I felt a bit mean at some choices I had to make - but it is the way these things work.

I wouldn't invite someone to the evening only - if they lived any distance away. (although we did travel to DH's friend's wedding for just the evening party. It was a 3hour each way trip - hotel overnight.

But yeah, if you feel resentful about it - then probably best to decline anyway.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 05/02/2014 15:46

Don't go.

You're pissed off because you have to arrange childcare and transport to attend a function that you are not expecting to enjoy.
Just decline.

Yama · 05/02/2014 15:46

YANBU

I agree with you. Evening invitations for people who are local I can just about handle. For those who are not local it is very rude indeed.

OwlCapone · 05/02/2014 15:46

What is it with this new sense of entitlement from wedding guests? Evening invitations have been the norm for ages. It's only recently I've heard people bleating about feeling snubbed.

Guestzilla!

Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 15:46

What has Dh said? Does he want to go?

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 05/02/2014 15:48

YABU. Our wedding venue could only seat 25 people. We would have loved to have more there, but it was the only place we could afford to marry. Our evening venue had the capacity to hold 300+, so we invited just family to the wedding, everyone else to the evening do. It wasn't that we didn't like them as much, it was just money issues.

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