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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:48

SanityClause - I try, believe me, but his old friends live a fair whack away. I'm trying to encourage his new friendships, but man-friendships seem to move at the speed of tectonic plates. It's so odd to me. And he has some social anxiety issues which don't help.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 05/02/2014 15:48

This whole modern trend stems IMO from people getting things the wrong way round. First decide on who you absolutely want to be there, and work out your budget, then work out what you can do for those people within that budget. If people ignored pushy DM/DMIL who insist on you inviting all their cousins/neighbours etc whom you have never met, to your posh reception (so they can show off) and invited instead the friends you really wanted to spend the day with it would all be a lot easier.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 15:49

yabu and think yourself quite important nowhere have i seen people moan about evening only invites than I do on here
these people have decided for a small wedding and then decided that some people couldnt come all day,
all you are is pissed off that you are not seen as important enough , either go or dont but realise weddings are expensive and not everybody can go all day, lots of people go along find to evening receptions quiet happily friends of or cousins of X or Y they realise that the are liked enugh to go to the wedding at all,

VerlaineChasedRimbauds · 05/02/2014 15:49

I think it really smacks of vanity and self-importance to feel offended about an invitation. "I'm clearly not important enough - how rude of them" - as opposed to "ooh, how lovely - I will go along and wish them well." It's their wedding - there's no way on this earth that they can please everyone, so they may as well do it the way they want.

If you don't want to go - don't go. If you care about the people getting married - go and enjoy the evening, if you can afford it and want to. If you don't care about them, definitely don't go. If you can't afford to go but do care about them - send them a card and a present and stay at home.

BrianTheMole · 05/02/2014 15:49

I wouldn't expect people to travel a huge distance to just attend the evening. Its not so bad if people are local. We had the small wedding and invited the people we really wanted to be there. But each to their own. I probably wouldn't go to a wedding thats miles away just for the evening. But if they want to do their wedding like that then its their choice I guess.

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:49

Only1scoop - that's what has made me cross, he's sad, but grateful too. He thinks so little of himself. Breaks my heart.

OP posts:
fay144 · 05/02/2014 15:50

Really? the worst wedding I've been to was an an evening guest.

I went to an amazing wedding as an evening guest. DH and I hardly knew anyone except the bridge and groom, but they had a fantastic ceilidh band, and we just danced most of the night. It was the sort of thing I'd have happily spent good money buying tickets for, under other circumstances.

I can think of a couple of other great examples, where I spent all night catching up with people I hadn't seen in ages. Some of these involved overnight stays in hotels, too.

Either go, determined to enjoy it, or don't go.

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:52

Verlaine and MrsJay - you're missing the point. I wouldn't be offended if we hadn't been invited. I would have understood they couldn't afford a big wedding (although still sad for DH). I feel a bit cross (rather than offended) that we've been invited to travel a 240 mile round trip and find childcare to go along for a bacon sandwich.

OP posts:
JRmumma · 05/02/2014 15:52

Newsflash

When these people planned their wedding they probably didn't factor in that you are so important.

I bet you aren't the only evening guests so don't take it do personally.

People have to make decisions based on budget or circumstances unfortunately which means these are the decisions they have to make.

So you don't feature in their top x amount of family and friends? You say you don't even know the bride so not that surprising really if its a small wedding.

ghostinthecanvas · 05/02/2014 15:53

Surely evenings usually consist of a band, a buffet, dancing and cake at a nice venue where there are lots of people celebrating a special event???
You are being invited to celebrate a special event. Would be great if we could all afford sit down meals for extended family and friends but we can't. Therefore we celebrate in the evening with other guests pleased to be invited to the evening do.

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 15:54

that's what has made me cross, he's sad, but grateful too. He thinks so little of himself. Breaks my heart.

You think your DH thinks 'so little of himself' because he's got the decency to be grateful for an evening invite?

Your posts are sounding more and more odd Confused

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:54

fay the one we got invited to was another of Dh's friends where the bride didn;t know him very well, so the wedding was full of her friends and family and not many of the grooms and she didn't even come and say hello to us when her husband tried to get her to. I have never felt so unwelcome and such a spare part and poor DH was very hurt to be so obviously relegated to B-list. The downside of having been the only one of the friendship group to have moved away I guess.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 15:54

And who serves bacon sandwiches at their wedding reception anyway?

Do you mean a hog roast?

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 15:55

I am not missing the point I think you are just pissed off and offended on your husbands behalf you dont need to go

Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 15:55

Op you seem fixated with this 'bacon' sandwich....can one presume its a 'hog roast' buffet Smile

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:55

never mind. I just needed a rant.

OP posts:
ThursdayLast · 05/02/2014 15:56

You're being pretty dismissive of their evening do too 'merely a bacon sandwich' etc etc. They might be putting a lot of effort into making in fun for everyone.
Also, have you checked that there won't be other opportunities to socialise? My intention is to invite out-of-towners for a meal with us the night before the wedding, and maybe organise a brunch somewhere the following day...have you any idea if this could be the case?

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:56

Oh no. It's a bacon sandwich. We were told when they were telling us about their wedding plans a while back

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 15:56

You ranting has made me really want a bacon sandwich....NOW Confused

TheBeautifulVisit · 05/02/2014 15:57

Tell them you find yourself watching television.

emblosion · 05/02/2014 15:57

The evening do is the best bit surely. I just don't understand how people get offended by this - it's an invitation not an order. I've been to some fab evening dos.

IMO and experience inviting everyone to the entire day is less usual than having an evening party. I had a v small wedding and all the guests came to everything but I'm the exception among my friends and family.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 15:57

I didnt have bacon sandwiches at my evening DO is it a thing now

JRmumma · 05/02/2014 15:57

I love bacon sandwiches at wedding receptions! At the end of the night though (to take home and soak up the alcohol) not in place of a good old buffet.

WorraLiberty · 05/02/2014 15:58

Oh right

Well anyway, just do them both a favour and decline the invite.

Or suggest your DH goes on his own.

emblosion · 05/02/2014 15:58

Ooo I could murder a bacon sandwich