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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
myitchybeaver · 06/02/2014 08:51

YANBU
I didn't have an evening do for this very reason. I couldn't divide people into a and b level guests.

When that evening invitation drops on your doormat it is a declaration of your status in a friendship. Everyone knows an evening guest is a very minor, make up the numbers (and gifts) guest. If you are a work colleague or a distant friend then that's fine but it is upsetting if you feel you are close and you quite clearly aren't.

I went to an wedding evening do a few years back which I tried not to overthink. When I arrived I saw that nearly all our mutual work colleagues had gone to the whole day, including someone who she had been alleging was bullying her and I was supporting her through it. No one had mentioned going in front of me. I had a lump in my throat the whole time. It is embarrassing and shameful to realise that you thought you were more important to someone than you actually were. It takes some time to absorb. Maybe that makes me stupid or oversensensitive or a guestszilla. I suspect it just makes me human.

Posters are being so nasty to the OP on this thread. You don't need to be Einstein to know that they had an evening do Grin

Weddings are a nightmare for all sorts of reasons. I would advise anyone without a million pound budget to elope.

LiberalLibertine · 06/02/2014 08:52

sneaky that's what we were thinking of doing. I can't believe any of our guests would be offended (and I'm sure yours weren't) they're just not that sort.

The ceremony is just the legal necessity for us, the party, speeches etc with those you love are what count imo.

JohnnyBarthes · 06/02/2014 08:53

Isn't an evening invitation less of a hassle than travelling 200 miles early in the day to attend the ceremony?

Some people are just cup half empty, I suppose. OP I really, sincerely hope your husband doesn't listen to your bleating - it's almost as if you want him to feel hurt by this. Pretty dysfunctional dynamic there, potentially.

BumPotato · 06/02/2014 09:03

I prefer an evening only invitation. For a start it is easier for getting a babysitter. Weddings only get good once the party starts, I think. If it is someone close, then yes, I'd like to go all day.

Headfullofrubbish · 06/02/2014 09:05

Yy Johnnybarthes
Good point. It would definitely be more faff to arrange a whole day and evening surely?

If I were invited to an evening "do" I would assume that:

  1. The B&G wanted me to be part of their celebrations.
  2. They didn't have the budget to have all their guests to a sit down meal somewhere.
3 they have other ppl in their lives who are more important than me.

I wouldn't be offended by any of those points.
Not rude.

BumPotato · 06/02/2014 09:06

In fact one friend who invited us all day, I very nearly asked her if we could just come at night as I was out of town the night before and had to travel early the next day in order to attend the 1pm ceremony.

The friend can be touchy at the best of times so I didn't ask in the end.

pigletmania · 06/02/2014 09:06

I totally agree myitchy, it seats something about the level of your friendship, it's fine if you both are nit close and you both feel that way, but if one of you think tag either us your best friend when they are not, and you get that evening invite instead of a whole day one, reserved for close friends and family, can be a kick in the teeth. Myitchy, are you still close to this 'friend' has this affected your friendship.

EverythingInMjiniature · 06/02/2014 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 06/02/2014 09:07

Says doh sorry

newyearhere · 06/02/2014 09:11

YANBU

pigletmania · 06/02/2014 09:11

Yes I have been invited to evening receptions of friends I was not particularly close to and it's a bonus, really nice to be thought of, but op and myitchy beavers situation is different

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/02/2014 09:12

I wonder if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, that people who whinge and moan about being invited to a party because they have been relegated to second class of friends, well, maybe there's a reason for it.

Headfullofrubbish · 06/02/2014 09:16

But you're really not that close if the bride doesn't know you well.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 06/02/2014 10:01

But you're really not that close if the bride doesn't know you well.

Says it all really. The groom, apparently, doesn't count.

newyearhere · 06/02/2014 10:14

The main part of the day is the couple actually getting married, i.e. the ceremony. Everything else is add-on hospitality for the wedding guests. It's not really fair if people are coming to a wedding to expect them to hang around all afternoon waiting until they're deemed acceptable to be allowed in to the reception.

Headfullofrubbish · 06/02/2014 11:06

the groom doesn't count
I don't see how you come to that conclusion tbh.
If mr and mrs op were close with mr and mrs B&G then they would know the bride.
Maybe they've moved on since op's wedding. It happens.
Maybe not much effort has been am on either side

Or we're we all supposed to bitch about the bridezilla b2b and blame her for monopolising the wedding and stopping her h2b from seeing his friends. Sad

FairPhyllis · 06/02/2014 12:10

I agree that the main part is the ceremony. My reasons for attending weddings is always to show support for the couple's partnership - in Christian ceremonies there are specific congregational parts of the ceremony where the congregation prays for the couple and promises to help support them in their relationship.

I think it boils down to whether you think a marriage is something that individuals do with no reference to other people, or whether you think marriages are part of building community and families and are things that need support from friends and family. That's something that is relevant even if you are not religious.

I'm a bit baffled why anyone would want to "celebrate" with people if they are not close enough to you to make the cut for the ceremony. But I guess people like to show how popular they are and having random acquaintances in the evening bumps up the numbers.

SlimJiminy · 06/02/2014 12:52

YABU. Just politely decline their invitation so they can invite someone who actually gives a fuck instead.

lainiekazan · 06/02/2014 13:01

An evening do for a wider group of guests is fine, but at least make it an evening do.

Dh and I once drove two hours to attend evening do of an old friend of his. We arrived to find that the day reception had not finished and everyone was sitting at their tables. So we hung about. And hung about. Finally it transpired that the evening do did not include any food, just a disco. And then it dawned on us that we and another couple were the only evening guests! Dh walked out and has never spoken to the groom since, he was so insulted. And he took the present we had brought with him!

LiberalLibertine · 06/02/2014 13:13

I'm always Hmm to read how some people actually think! Makes me appreciate the people I have in my life :)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/02/2014 13:46

FairPhyllis - exactly, if you want to build community as part of your marriage celebrations its only right to share it with your wider circle in the evening as well as your closest friends and family during the day.

pigletmania · 06/02/2014 13:51

Iainie that us very rude, I am sure Debrettes would have something to say about that! Head full that is wrong, I have close friends that I am close to and dh has his friends who he is close to who I don't know very well, and he my close friends but tgey sure got an invite to all of my day. Tgey couple are still separate people who don't live in each other's pockets and mabey have their own separate friends.

pigletmania · 06/02/2014 13:53

We just had one do, for close family and friends, not those who we both did not know well

ThursdayLast · 06/02/2014 14:09

FairPhyllis, you are being unfair!
Our local registry office seats 35. But between the two of us we have more people we would like to celebrate with than that. So we invite people to the party afterwards. Not A list and B list. Simple mathematics.
And having a congregation pray for me is NOT something I am interested in. In fact if I could get away with just two witnesses I would, but I would hurt my mothers feelings.

CooEeeEldridge · 06/02/2014 14:14

Very interesting to read this as just planning our wedding. I have been to many evening receptions and many ceremony/breakfast/reception dos. I've honestly never felt snubbed to be an evening guest, I've either known it was due to a number limits on the day, or known I wasn't a ceremony/breakfast friend- and that was totally fine!

So far all the venues we have looked at have had 60 absolute max for the ceremony. So we're probably going to have a fairly large evening do. Fiancé and I from different places, we live somewhere 100 miles from either of hometowns, so people will have to travel for wedding / reception. We KNOW people will say no and that's totally fine, keeps our costs down! Just say no if you do to want to go, really not an issue!