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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
lanbro · 05/02/2014 16:27

Well I received an evening only invite just yesterday andaafter some initial disappointment I'm really looking forward to a break with just dh, no kids, and a good catch up with friends! It's quite a way away but it'll be my first non - pregnant and non - breastfeeding wedding in over 2yrs!

Chippednailvarnish · 05/02/2014 16:27

We had four guests to our wedding and OP your attitude makes me feel so grateful we didn't invite more.

Pigletin · 05/02/2014 16:27

I'll never understand the British custom of inviting certain guests to one part of the wedding and other guests to another part of the wedding. Surely a wedding means the full wedding (i.e. ceremony and celebration). If you can't afford to invite everyone to the full wedding then you just invite less people. This whole A list guests and B list guests is ridiculous.

...but that could just be me and my foreign-ness...

Ragwort · 05/02/2014 16:28

I agree with you OP, I personally think evening do's are a waste of time and money and now I am at the age when I don't hesitate to say 'no thank you' (although I am also at the age when I don't get invited to many evening do's Grin).

I had a small ish wedding, everyone was invited to afternoon tea in the garden and that was it. I wouldn't be comfortable having an 'A' and 'B' list. Actually none of my guests, bar immediate family, came to the actual ceremony. Grin.

Fair has put the same point across far more eloquently.

Pigletin · 05/02/2014 16:29

What is rude and tacky is choosing a reception venue that won't accommodate the people you need/want to invite and then asking people to come from out of town for a few chicken wings served at 9pm.

^
This

BringMeTea · 05/02/2014 16:29

I get where you are coming from OP. i think as others have said, evening guests should be local. I know one can just decline but I feel most couples kind of expect invitees to accept (barring flood, act of God etc.) So to be expected to travel hours and pay for accommodation etc. is slightly rude.

Bottom line. If you feel resentful absolutely decline.

VerlaineChasedRimbauds · 05/02/2014 16:29

I don't agree Fair Phyllis. If you have good friends you would like them to share in your day if that's practical . If you are a good friend - you would like to share in that day if practical. Family is sometimes rather different and duty and expectation sometimes complicate matters. Either way, as a good friend invited to a wedding, it's bonkers to be offended because the invitation doesn't suit you. I've been to a few weddings where I've inwardly cringed at the arrangements - but I've cared about the people getting married so I have been happy to share in their day. That's because I think them organising their wedding day in the way they have decided is best seems pretty sensible - and it's their day, not mine.

I've also declined some invitations - but only because I couldn't afford to go: I didn't feel offended at being invited to travel a long way for a short time, I actually felt quite pleased to be invited.

higgle · 05/02/2014 16:30

When I got married, 30 years ago this year, the old rules about where you could and could not get married applied. DH was divorced and wouldn't contemplate a church wedding anyway as he is an atheist. We had one choice, a tiny and very grotty registry office which wouldn't accommodate more than about 10. We had 10 to the wedding at the latest time possible and then invited another 100 for a sit down meal and dancing e.g. like a standard wedding reception in the evening.
I had a number of refusals because they thought it was the normal evening do, I realised then who my friends were!

I'm always delighted when friends or relations get married and any opportunity to celebrate is one I like to join in, weddings are so difficult and expensive to arrange the couple can't please all the people all the time. If it is a church wedding and you are an evening guest it might be quite OK to go to the church, I think they are public anyway. We have always asked if it is Ok to turn up at the church either for the ceremony or to watch the couple emerge.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 05/02/2014 16:30

Sorry but I don't get this attitude. The fact that you don't know his fiancée well suggests to me that you just aren't as close as you were when he was usher at your wedding.

To be invited to anyone's wedding is a lovely thing, whether it be as a day guest or evening. It is them including you in their special day. Weddings are bloody expensive and quite frankly I think it's more important to have your family and close friends at the ceremony. The evening is for everyone that you would have loved to have during the day if you had had a bigger budget or ceremony venue.

Grow up.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2014 16:31

Weddings are expensive and I don't think it's rude to ask people to be evening guests. But it's different if they have to travel a very long way. Then it is a bit cheeky I think.

Joysmum · 05/02/2014 16:32

I can't be the only one that thinks we need a new section titled, 'Am I Being a Twat'?

I'm off to a reception next week. My friends are piss poor and can't invite everyone to the daytime due to costs, much as they would like to.

I obviously don't rank as highly as lifelong friends and family and don't feel entitled at all. I'm delighted to be invited and happily going to give money towards them hopefully being able to get a few nights away as a honeymoon because I value our friendship and they deserve it.

Personally I think your attitude is appalling, but not their lack of funds. I'm guessing if you weren't married yo your husband you wouldn't score any sort of an invite.

KidLorneRoll · 05/02/2014 16:32

An invitation is not an "expectation". It's an invite. It's saying that the couple want you to be part of their day in some way, whether that's for the whole thing or just for the party otherwise. It's not compulsory to attend.

I can't quite get my head around how entitled and arsey you would have to be to be put out by "only" getting an evening invite. Maybe the cost of having everyone to the ceremony + meal is too much, maybe they only want close family at the actual marriage. Who knows, how about people just accept it for what it is - a gesture of friendship - and get over themselves.

chirpchirp · 05/02/2014 16:33

Personally I think YABU. I've never taken an evening invitation as an insult and it's reactions like yours that played a major part in DH and I eloping.

Nataleejah · 05/02/2014 16:34

pigletin i'm not british either, but that makes perfect sense. I was a witness at a friends wedding last summer, and the ceremony (+dinner) was for family/relatives, who have to be invited, but are elderly, old fashioned, and not exactly "fun". Evening party with buffet was for friends, and it was sort of goth/alternative -- can't imagine inviting elderly aunties to that.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:36

but an invite is just that an invite not a command to attend, so you live 100 miles away they want you to come if you can,

how can a couple be expected to know the arrangements of every single guest they have invited it isnt their job to make sure folk get their maybe granny or somebody but not everybody . they have invited the couple to come to the wedding if they can manage to get their or want to go, I dont see why people get offended or why the bride and groom are expected to consider travel arrangements and childcare of guests

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:37

xpost with kid

Honeysweet · 05/02/2014 16:38

I understand where you are coming from. And unfortunately I am currently at the other end of the situation.
Should we invite people to come long distances at some expense for evening food only?
But I dont know quite what else to do.
The church cant hold more.
The cost of the day food is already high.

The other option is not to invite them at all. And that seems a lot worse option.
And and..the groom's family have provided the list, and seem happy with their choices. I have already queried it once, as their list is a little shorter than ours.
So, what to do?

anothernumberone · 05/02/2014 16:38

I think YABU I have been to tonnes of weddings as an evening guest it never occured to me to mind. I love the evening bit.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:41

Should we invite people to come long distances at some expense for evening food only?
But I dont know quite what else to do.
The church cant hold more.
The cost of the day food is already high.

invite them Honey I had a smallish wedding there was no way i could invite all of my family and friends some came some declined but wished us well , most people will do this, if your long distance friends want to and can afford the journey they will come, or start a thread on mumsnet Wink

Katnisscupcake · 05/02/2014 16:42

YABU

We could only have a small amount to our sit down meal because of the size of the venue, but invited triple the amount to the evening.

We had a Casino, a band and loads of lovely food, plus we had a theme, so everyone had a great time! The only person who didn't come to the evening who had been invited, was a guy whose MIL died in the week leading up to the wedding so couldn't make it.

Felyne · 05/02/2014 16:43

I'd feel worse being left out completely. I understand that people can't always afford to pay masses to feed everyone they know. The next wedding we're going to we'll be evening guests. I'm more looking forward to catching up with all of our friends than specifically just the bride and groom. If it was someone I hardly knew I wouldn't have gone but I would have appreciated being thought of and invited.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 16:44

The funniest is when you get an evening invite with a poem touting for cash, too.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:45

I have never had a poem on an invite i feel like i have missed out on that delight Grin

Honeysweet · 05/02/2014 16:45

Thank you mrsjay.

I do think that in your case op, the groom was an usher at your wedding.
But even then, how small is the small do.
It is surprising how quickly you can get to 20 guests and beyond.
Are all the other ushers going to the wedding ceremony?

LastOneDancing · 05/02/2014 16:45

If people are of the attitude that an invite to celebrate their marriage is an insult, I'm fairly sure the bride and groom would rather they stayed away.

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