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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
zoemaguire · 05/02/2014 17:13

I hate evening invites, it does smack of two classes of guest. If you have a limited budget (who doesn't!), just limit your invites to those you can afford to invite, but invite them for the whole event. But then I'm a teeny bit bitter about being the only one of a group of friends to just get an evening invite to a forthcoming wedding rather than a proper one, even though I cant make it in any case. I don't actually much like that part of most weddings anyway, so if I'm not important enough to actually witness you getting married, I'm afraid I certainly won't turn up just for the disco!

KatnipEvergreen · 05/02/2014 17:14

It's quite common for couples to say they would like John Lewis vouchers, so they can choose what "tat" Hmm they want.

specialsubject · 05/02/2014 17:15

evening only suits me fine - if it doesn't, I don't have to go.

still get fed, entertained and get to admire the new couple but don't have to do the whole day thing.

budgets aren't infinite. I'm still invited. Thank you!

cardibach · 05/02/2014 17:16

A few points:
1 - just because it is in a big hotel doesn't mean it is a big do. It could be in a small function room.
2 - nobody needs to be invited to the ceremony, particularly if it is in church, so evening guests are perfectly at liberty to turn up there, as are non-guests. Several neighbours came to mine despite not being invited to the 'dos'.
3 - evening receptions were perfectly normal and expected when my sister got married in the early 80s. I have no idea why so many of you have never heard of them.

YABU and silly. They want to celebrate with you, not insult you. GO or don't go, it's up to you, but I think it's cutting your nose off to spite your face if you don't go.

KatnipEvergreen · 05/02/2014 17:16

Indeed, we still use all of our John Lewis "tat" from our wedding list ten years later.

Hulababy · 05/02/2014 17:16

No matter how people dress it it up it is two tier invites.

A list - ceremony, meal and evening
B list - evening (sometimes with choice to go to ceremony too)
Z list - nothing

I now why people do it, I get the financial side of it, and all that - but the fact remains that only the evening invite only does highlight the least close friends/family.

The parts I dislike for evenings most:

(a) the meal and speeches always over run - so you turn up, people are still in the meal room and you have to hang around out in the bar waiting.
(b) everyone from the day has a seat and an allocated table. You turn up and have to try and fit in somewhere making it awkward

But in reality - if we can make it and it isn't going to cost us a fortune in travel and hotel costs - we go and have fun. If we can't make it, or it is just simply going to be expensive - we decline. We would always make more of an effort when invited to the full day than we would for an evening only invite.

We didn't bother at all. Got married abroad and then had big church blessing and evening do. Didn't faff with a sit down meal thing = had latish ceremony. Everyone was invited to whatever they wanted to come to. They did, they ate, they drank, they had fun.

maddy68 · 05/02/2014 17:17

How is it rude? People don't have unlimited budgets, they invite close family and friends usually to the day do then everyone else to the night do

It's nice to be asked. If you don't want to go then don't!

Tbh if I had invited anyone to the night do and they thought I was being rude then I would rather they didn't come

Hulababy · 05/02/2014 17:18

I have always had food in some form from an evenign reception bar once. Turned up, DD with us as invited. Nothing - not even a slither of cake! nd nothing to buy at th ebar as a last resort. Ended up leaving around 10 an calling tat McDonalds on way home as we were hungry!

KatnipEvergreen · 05/02/2014 17:19

I think in the OP's case, an evening do only invitation - close friend + far away + childcare required is thoughtless.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 17:19

Buy us a couples massage . . .goes to show you how self-indulgent and show offy some weddings have become.

Wormshuffler · 05/02/2014 17:20

I would be offended on my DH's behalf too......
He must count him as one of his closest friends in that he was an usher at your wedding, so to not even warrant an invitation to his own is a snub in my eyes. The only exception being if it is a strictly family only service.
I would find it difficult not to call them out on it.

ashamedoverthinker · 05/02/2014 17:21

I think you sound entitled OP

I had a small wedding breakfast - it was all we could afford so we made it simple by immediate family and best friends.

The evening 'do' was city center wine bar, live music and a party magician wandered amongst guests (card tricks etc) tons of food and jugs of cocktails until they ran out plu bar snacks - venue all decorated.

I'd be upset if that was what some of my dear friends were thinking who attended the nightime only.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 05/02/2014 17:26

Surely not all friendships are equally close though. I have various tiers of friends within my oldest set of 10 or so friends, we all know know each other but not everyone gets invited every time someone organises something as there are different degrees of closeness within the group and it depends who the organiser is. Same for their weddings, some I have been to the whole day, some just the evening, some not at all. No one gets insulted by it (well I guess not, we've all stuck together for 30-odd years now).

barleywood · 05/02/2014 17:33

Nephew, 500 miles, evening invitation. MIL will go bonkers if we decline. Can't help feeling a bit meh over the whole thing.

nosleeptillbedtime · 05/02/2014 17:34

Wow, glass half empty girl. It could also be interpreted as 'we can't afford a big formal do but we really like you and want you to celebrate our wedding so please come to the party'.
I am always pleased with an invite whether all day or evening. After all is is a nice party that I get to enjoy but not organise.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 17:36

Let her go bonkers then, barley. No way I'd go that far for an evening do.

rumbleinthrjungle · 05/02/2014 17:36

My sister did this for her wedding, with family for the ceremony followed by afternoon tea as they really wanted to have a daytime event that some of the (very) elderly members and very young members of the family could enjoy with them. Most of these guests were shattered by six pm and were ready to go. Then they had the evening for a much livelier bash with their friends, totally different style and they had a whale of a time.

It wasn't about substandard guests, it was about spending the day with everyone they loved, and wanting all their guests to have a good time.

scantilymad · 05/02/2014 17:38

Yabu. You have been invited to an event, which is an honour. Why do you feel entitled to a wider invitation? Given your OP I could understand why you are evening only - you don't sound particularly close to the couple. Perhaps just send a card and gift and save yourself the resentment hassle pf going to a wedding that has aggravated you just by receiving the invitation.

JRmumma · 05/02/2014 17:39

I don't think the number of day guests matters where day/evening invites are concerned and you think 'well it was big enough that i could have been invited'.

Even 100 day guests is 50 for each the bride and groom. If DH and I just invited our parents and siblings and their partners that's 14 people, 20 with their kids. Add in aunties, uncles and grandparents, that's another 14. Plus 27 first cousins, and their partners is 88 people. That's not including the cousins children and is already a number that most 'wedding venues' CANNOT seat for a sit down meal. See the problem?

We got married in a registry office and upset loads of family as we couldn't invite them. That's without even considering friends.

Bloody wedding politics. Never ceases to amaze me how easily some people offend.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 17:40

Why give a gift if you are not going?

scantilymad · 05/02/2014 17:41

It's tradition/polite

INeedSomeHelp · 05/02/2014 17:42

I think there must be a different view to weddings in Scotland. Here it has always been the case that some people are invited to the whole day and some are just invited for the evening. And I've never known anyone talk about it as A and B list.
I have been to many evening receptions for friends and work colleagues and had a fantastic time but would never have expected to be there for the whole day. That's for family and close friends. It's a great excuse for a good party, a new dress and maybe a night in a hotel depending on the location. If I didn't want to do all that I would politely decline.

scantilymad · 05/02/2014 17:46

INeed - I'm in England and as far as I'm aware it's the same here too. It's a funny world when people get offended by an invitation to a party

barleywood · 05/02/2014 17:47

Thanks expat

zoemaguire · 05/02/2014 17:48

Tiny daytime thing, big evening bash is fine, but I think less justifiable is big lavish daytime event, come for a dance in the evening after everyone else has had a blast all day, and we might put peanuts out if you're lucky kind of event!