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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
Stinklebell · 05/02/2014 16:47

I don't know, I don't like the day/evening guest divide, it felt a bit like A list and B list friends to me.

When we got married, we had a late ceremony, served a hog roast and invited everybody to the whole thing.

We couldn't afford to invite everyone and have a proper sit down meal, plus buffet in the evening.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:48

I remember my MIl getting offended on the behalf of aunty so n so not being invited but aunty so n so was just a friend of mils from her childhood and she insisted her sons cal them aunty so n so , you really need to draw the line somewhere of who goes to weddings or you would never stop and be skint and what is the point of that

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 16:49

Funny how 'Evening do's have always been the norm' is a reason to keep them, but touting for cash in invites was never the norm, yet is seen as acceptable by couples.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 16:51

So true, Stink, it's this whole idea that you have to have a sit-down meal, a fancy venue, etc. or you 'can't afford' to get married.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:51

I dont think touting for money is acceptable and I would get a present in deviance, not a poem but a lovely picture of a beach with a website address so we could donate to their honey moon if we wished fuck that I didnt get a sunny honeymoon, I didnt give to the fund

Scarletbanner · 05/02/2014 16:52

What FairPhyllis said. YA so NBU.

Lots of posts on here from people who obviously think their would-be guests should be honoured and grateful to be allowed to attend any part of their special day, even if it is a bacon sandwich and a cash bar 150 miles from home. I totally don't understand that attitude.

MrsBungle · 05/02/2014 16:52

I think 98% of weddings I've been to have separate night guests - totally normal to me and not at all rude. Totally the norm where I'm from (south of Scotland).

If you're offended by an invite - don't go. It isn't compulsory. I'm flabbergasted folk get offended at being invited to something!! When I attend weddings - day or night- i go for a good time and to celebrate with the couple, certainly not to moan about what food I'm given. I would t mind a bacon roll at all.

hmmmum · 05/02/2014 16:53

YABU. If you invite someone as an evening guest it means you really like them and want them to party at your wedding... If they weren't "important" why would you bother inviting them at all?
Not everyone can afford to give every single friend they have a three course meal for goodness sake!
To me it's just self centred insecurity. It's their day, celebrate with them and be happy for them, it's not about you. Don't go if you don't want to.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 16:54

And fund their honeymoon, too, Scarlet.

GertyD · 05/02/2014 16:55

YANBU. This is exactly why we chose our wedding venue, so that it could accommodate everyone. We don't have an unlimited budget either, so have not gone for fuss like sit down meals, just a (nice) buffet and a glass of champagne to greet. I just couldn't bear choosing who would go to what. We have 100 guests coming to celebrate our day, and I think it is a basic courtesy to thank them all for their effort by treating them as well as we can.

BumpNGrind · 05/02/2014 16:55

At our wedding we tried to make sure that we involved our evening guests as well so we delayed cutting the cake until the evening and we had an activity before we opened the bar and got the party underway (I promise you that the activity, although it sounds hideous, was a highlight for most of our guests and us).

We wanted our evening guests to be involved, some very close family members couldn't come until the evening and they were just as important to us as day guests.

Unfortunately we didn't have an unlimited budget and even if we had, we still would have had some evening only guests.

Scarletbanner · 05/02/2014 16:56

Gosh, yes, let's not get started on the cash requests!

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:57

our wedding was so small we kept the speeches and cake cutting till night we couldnt afford a meal for 200 people

MerryMarigold · 05/02/2014 16:57

YANBU. This guy was an usher at the OP's wedding but they don't get an invitation to what sounds like a fairly big ceremony.

whitepuddingsupper · 05/02/2014 16:58

YABU, we had a very small ceremony just for immediate family (parent, siblings, grandparents) and then a larger party with a hot buffet later to which wider family and friends were invited. It wasn't down to money, that was just the way we wanted it, DH and I are quite introverted and couldn't face the massive church wedding, endless group photos etc, we wanted a more relaxed day. Lots of our family and friends did attend the evening do but some declined for travel reasons and that's fine, I can understand if they think it's too much for just an evening party but I don't think it's rude to have your wedding day the way you like it.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 05/02/2014 16:58

SIL is having a very small late afternoon wedding and a big "do". Almost everyone, including most family, is evening only. But they're only missing the ceremony itself, not the posh dinner.

I'm not so precious as to presume I am important enough to be a day guest every time. And if I can't go, I doubt they'll lose sleep.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 16:58

Even worse are the, 'We don't need gifts, but we'll take your money.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 05/02/2014 17:00

To me it says,

"We're having a party to celebrate our marriage and would love you to come."

What it doesn't say is

"We consider you a second class friend and wish to rub your noses in that fact".

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/02/2014 17:03

I think evening wedding invitations can be really nice but I do think that they only work if guests are fairly local to venue. I would also say that it is pretty sad if you think you are close to someone and then only get an evening invitation when there are 100 day guests as sounds like the situation here. Different if it's a v small wedding or you're a colleague of bride / groom.

FairPhyllis · 05/02/2014 17:04

I don't think evening dos have been the norm historically though, apart from in Scotland. Nobody in my family has ever split their wedding in two like this, and I've never met anybody IRL who has done it either. I only remember starting hearing about it in the 90s, which coincidentally was about the time when people started having weddings way bigger than they could afford. People just used to have very low-key receptions and invite everyone to all of the day.

Fudgeface123 · 05/02/2014 17:05

I'm getting married this year, we're doing it in a registry office, then going for a meal (close family only) and then an evening do in a hotel. Not one person has declined the invitation to the evening do despite it being a long way to travel for some.

I guess the people I've invited are happy to spend the evening with us, rather than wondering what they're going to get out of it

KatnipEvergreen · 05/02/2014 17:06

Depends on the timing, venue and location I think. For us evening-only invitations wouldn't have worked as we didn't sit down to the wedding "breakfast" until about 6pm from a 3 o' clock wedding. And we were slightly delayed for timing so it was more like 6.30pm by the time everyone sat down. By the time we had speeches etc we would have no way been able to get through 4 courses then clear the tables etc for evening guests. I think we got the disco going about 8.30/9pm in the end. Plus a number of people were travelling 200 miles so it was much easier to have everyone all day. Plus the cost- we would hardly have saved any money by having, say, 40 out of 120 guests having a buffet. And in my experience everyone piles into the buffet not just the evening guests who are hungry, so you just end up feeding people twice over or not having enough food (have seen the latter happen as well).

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/02/2014 17:06

I would also say that it is pretty sad if you think you are close to someone and then only get an evening invitation when there are 100 day guests

Exactly.

And it is part of the job of a decent host to avoid hurting the feelings of their guests.

TaraLott · 05/02/2014 17:07

Who cares about the ceremony, the evening bash is much more fun. Grin

mistermakersgloopyglue · 05/02/2014 17:07

I can't be arsed to decide what present to get the bride and groom anyway (when you think about the fact that they will most likely have everything from a 'traditional' wedding list) so they always get money from us anyway.

And I quite liked donating some money to my friends honeymoon website. They said they had a nice couples massage with it, which is probably nicer for them than some piece of John Lewis tat that they didn't want anyway!