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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it's ruder to be an 'evening guest'...

257 replies

MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 15:29

...than just to be told quietly that it's a small wedding and we're only having a few people and thus not invited at all? To me evening invitation smacks very much of 'we're not very bothered about sharing our day with you, so travel a long way, find childcare, get all dressed up, then have a bacon sandwich and give us a present anyway'

And for context this is one of DH's close friends, was an usher at our wedding, but his fiance doesn't know us very well.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 05/02/2014 15:59

last wedding i was at I hated being there all day as I only knew the groom and his mum and dad dh was best man it was really awkward least by night time you can relax a bit

Pigsmummy · 05/02/2014 16:00

Surely 1st choice is day, 2nd choice is evening only and last is not being invited at all?

Fwiw out of 55 evening guests we only had two no shows which tells me that they wanted to come?

Don't go, decline in all the points you mentioned but I don't see why you are pissed off about the invite?

Bowlersarm · 05/02/2014 16:00

I can understand your disappointment OP.

But on the whole I think the couple has the right to invite who they want, to whichever part of the wedding they want to. It is up to the guests to then accept or decline as they see fit.

But as I said, I do get why you are a little sad and a bit miserable for your Dh.

RobotLover68 · 05/02/2014 16:01

wow! just wow!

entitled much?

my friend didn't invite me to her day because she had a limited number and family came first - we were invited to the evening (no kids)

a few days before she phoned to say a couple had dropped out and would me and DH like to take their place for the day part - I didn't get offended, I didn't get upset, I accepted and had a lovely day. She asked me as she knew that would be my attitude - oh and I had 4 children to find childcare for and I managed it

You are most definitely being unreasonable

TheBeautifulVisit · 05/02/2014 16:01

It's your husband't friend, I would let him decide if he wants to go. If he does, accompany him, smilingly. It might be a bit cack but it could be the dream of the woman your husband's friend is marrying.

Raise a glass to the happy couple. And thank the blazes you have classier friends. Grin

Kemmo · 05/02/2014 16:02

I actually think you have a point.
I think it is fine to invite local people to the evening do, but I would expect people who have to travel to come to the whole thing.
There are exceptions of course, were the wedding venue is unusually limited by numbers, but for a standardish sized wedding I'd expect evening invites for locals only.
And it does make me sad when 'groom friends' are treated less favourably just because it is the bride that is doing the organising - I don't think this is unusual tbh.

VerlaineChasedRimbauds · 05/02/2014 16:02

I don't think I am missing the point. The way they have organised it is to invite a small number to part of the day and a large number to a different part of the day. They probably did this so that fewer people would be offended at not being invited at all. They probably know that people do get offended about the most peculiar things but decided that they would like as many of their friends there as possible. You have taken offence at this way of organising it, unfortunately. Which is a shame. Couldn't you just think: "oh, that's nice to have an invitation - don't think we can make that work in a practical sense - I'll send them a card and a gift and wish them well".

Since you seem pretty resentful about the whole thing it might be better to decline politely. Some people are happy to do a long journey for someone's wedding - even "just" for an evening do - some are not. Since you are not, best not to go.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2014 16:03

I had never heard of evening do's until I moved here. Beyond rude! Just send the H along.

mrsjay · 05/02/2014 16:03

ypu and your husband could make an over night of it go to the place they are having the wedding have a nice posh lunch out book into a nice B n B or something and have a night out at the wedding

TheRealAmandaClarke · 05/02/2014 16:03

No. It is not "ruder" to be invited to the evenin rusher than not at all.
You are talking nonsense.
But it is ok to decline. That's not rude either. Just accept that it doesn't suit you.

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 16:06

BeautifulVisit - why do you think I'm ranting on here? Because I don't want to upset DH. We'll do what he wants and he won't know that I am anything but thrilled to be there.

Kemmo - I think that's it really. Oh well.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 16:07

mrsjay - wouldn't that be lovely? :) Unfortunately it's no holidays this year, or next for that matter.

OP posts:
BrokenToeOuch · 05/02/2014 16:08

I sort of agree with the sentiment of what you're saying, but I don't think it's rude exactly.
To me, it does say - we didn't have enough money to invite you to the meal but still come for the party/bring us a present etc.
I have been an evening guest a few times and a daytime guest more often.
My own opinion is that weddings cost what you want them to cost, but for me the guestlist would dictate what sort of wedding I had (theoretically as am not married and not planning on it). So I would tailor my day to who I wanted there, rather than have to cut the guestlist because I couldn't afford the meals per head for everyone.
Saying that, I like being an evening guest because I miss out the boring church bit and always go with a gift/money or whatever.

Original poster
MakesAMessWhenStressed · 05/02/2014 16:08

BeautifulVisit - sorry, that sounded tetchy. It wasn't written that way. It was meant to come out in an 'I agree with you' way. Just to clarify

OP posts:
Orlea · 05/02/2014 16:12

I don't think it's always rude... we invited close friends and family all day and invited distant (not physical distance) family and less-close friends (mainly work friends) to the evening only. We did not invite distant family who also lived a long way away, precisely because of the cost/hassle to them for just a bacon sandwich! However we still got some snippy comments from a few family members (second cousins etc) who felt they should have been invited, despite having only met them maybe 3-5 times in my 30 years of life, so you can't win, you'll always upset someone...

But as this is your DH's close friend, I would be offended, unless they are no longer close. So YANBU.

mistermakersgloopyglue · 05/02/2014 16:12

Yabu, evening only invitations have always often been the norm (in this country anyway) because as countless others have said, people simply cannot afford to invite everyone to the whole day.

The only time I have been irked by evening only invites ( and I was actually an all day guest in this situation) was when dh's friend got married. He went on and on about how expensive the wedding was, so the only had 25 to the day and another 75 to the evening. This would have been fine except:
The wedding was at least an hour and a half drive from most of the evening guests.
It was a fucking Wednesday.
God knows why the wedding was so expensive because the venue/food, although poncey, was distinctly average.

Needless to say a lot of evening guests didn't bother and those who did drove which led to a lack of atmosphere in the evening so I am told, I was hammered

KidLorneRoll · 05/02/2014 16:15

Aye, inviting someone as an evening guest to a wedding is "rude".

FFS. If you don't want to go, then don't go. It's not hard.

FairPhyllis · 05/02/2014 16:15

The problem is, OP, that there are two competing attitudes to weddings.

One view, which has gained considerable ground in recent years, is that it's an honour to be invited to someone's wedding, so you should feel grateful to travel 120 miles to have a bacon sandwich and admire the Happy Couple's colour scheme.

The other is that it's an honour to have good friends who wish to support you in your marriage and who are willing to attend your wedding, so you show them good hospitality and don't exclude them from key parts of the day, especially if they have travelled long distances.

Each view is totally incomprehensible to anyone who holds the opposing view, so although YANBU, YABU to expect to anyone on here change their minds about whether having evening guests is rude and tacky it totally is

mistermakersgloopyglue · 05/02/2014 16:17

I also went to a wedding once where the evening do was the day after the wedding. That was weird as well because there were no already drunken people there to get things going!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/02/2014 16:18

I have no problem with evening do invites per se. I've been to a few but they've all been local. I doubt I'd spend money on travel and accommodation for one though.

Nataleejah · 05/02/2014 16:21

YABVU
It is their wedding and they have all sorts of expenses and logistics to figure out. Like if ceremony is in the morning, venue in the evening -- what to do for guests for whole day?

ThursdayLast · 05/02/2014 16:23

Rude and tacky??? Waaaaaaaah!!
I really hope you aren't any of my real life friends because you're probably going to hate me soon!
So the local registry office holds 35. But we have more friends than that. So family at the wedding. 'Evening' do starts early and there is no sit down dinner, just all the guests sharing a buffet.
Shit, now I'm wondering if inviting out of towners is just gonna put their backs up! I live pretty remote too Confused

CeliaLytton · 05/02/2014 16:24

So let me get this straight; you are more offended that you have been invited to share a dance and a bacon sandwich (as you put it) with them than you would be if you hadn't been invited at all?

Ok.

Either take it as a personal slight, an example of their rudeness or as the straightforward invite it is, to spend part of their special day with them, for whatever reasons they have for doing it this way.

YABU.

Dinosaurporn · 05/02/2014 16:25

Don't go to the wedding, in case your bitterness and sense of entitlement spoils their day.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/02/2014 16:26

So the local registry office holds 35. But we have more friends than that. So family at the wedding. 'Evening' do starts early and there is no sit down dinner, just all the guests sharing a buffet.

That's not rude and tacky.

The local registry office is not a "venue", if you choose to get married there numbers will be restricted. But people can't really argue with that kind of choice.

You're inviting everyone to the meal, it's just a buffet.

It sounds lovely and I hope you have a great time.

What is rude and tacky is choosing a reception venue that won't accommodate the people you need/want to invite and then asking people to come from out of town for a few chicken wings served at 9pm.