Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/02/2014 14:39

Will you be having other visitors, like your own parents for example?

If not then YANBU at all.

Slutbucket · 04/02/2014 14:41

Do you stay in hospital for 3 days with a c section? Wouldn't you be better getting her to visit at the hospital. Visiting hours and then it's over and done with?

HansieMom · 04/02/2014 14:43

If you showed this to your DH, would he realize what a prick he was last time, and is being now?

OneMoreCupOfTea · 04/02/2014 14:45

YANBU. I'm presuming you will be in hospital for a few days anyway after your C-section. You are more than entitled to ask for time to bond with your new baby and recover after a major event.

HermioneWeasley · 04/02/2014 14:45

Is he always an unsupportive knob jockey, or just when you've got a newborn!

MrsPresley · 04/02/2014 14:46

Who drove her home after she drank half a bottle of wine? Confused Shock

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 04/02/2014 14:47

I think you would be better dealing with your husband.

A grown up should not 'flap' about trivia such as times, parking and so on. He needs to remain calm and just sort stuff out.

He should also recognise that a woman who has just given birth is his priority so he doesn't get to lounge about drinking wine and crap like that. He has to host and he has to make sure you have what you need and he certainly needs to be aware of all that he will need to be doing while you recover from your cs.

Whether your mother in law helps really is neither here nor there. If your husband is doing all that he, as the FATHER, should be doing, she won't need to help.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 14:48

My mum will see the baby as she is going to be looking after DD at our house while I'm in hospital so will be there when we get home.
I am having the c section on Monday morning and coming home on the Wednesday.
No one else will be visiting.
I suppose the MIL could come to the hospital on the Tuesday but it just seems really stressful to have to put up with a multitude of phone calls, driving directions, parking enquires etc a day after birth. She is very high needs and winds up my husband easily and he jumps when she says so.

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 04/02/2014 14:48

Yes I think that would be ok. Your dh was unreasonable to lose his rag at you last time because his mum was being a stress bunny.
My mum is a right stress head and she got in a right state when i had my first baby. She was causing us so much stress while I was still in hospital that we said they had to stay away until we were ready to see them again. She got the message and was a lot calmer when she visited us again at home.

Elderberri · 04/02/2014 14:48

Yanbu.....3 weeks I barred folks for. It's different if they are doers, not just spectators.

OpalQuartz · 04/02/2014 14:50

By the time my sister had babies my mum had calmed right down, lucky thing. That's the lot in life of the eldest child of the family. (Me!)

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 04/02/2014 14:50

Has she not been to your house before then? If she needs driving directions and parking instructions? Drivers generally manage to sort such things out by, well, consulting maps and stuff Hmm

I suggest printing off directions and info on parking beforehand. She's a grown up. She can handle it.

ilovemyelectricblanket · 04/02/2014 14:51

My MIL did this with my first baby.

I had to pour her the wine (could hardly lift the bottle) while she drank it AND she bought a load of other people with her when Id said I wanted a few days alone.

(FYI - I was discharged a day later after I had birthed a 9lb 8oz baby, forceps, ventouse and episiotomy all without pain relief).

When we wanted to come back again the next day, we were vague and so then she had a fit. Massive (never seen anything like it) tantrum outside the house.

MIL, FIL, SIL called, texted and called - everyone tore us to bits for being 'unreasonable'.

My breast milk dried up through the stress and I wasn't able to breastfeed my baby.

Id make some changes if I had my chance again.

x

SoonToBeSix · 04/02/2014 14:54

Yabu all she wants to do is come and hold her grandchild have done photos and go is that right?
You do realise your baby wouldn't even exist without your MIL don't you?
If she was going to come hours after birth and make loads of demands I see your point but can't see the harm the next day.

LastOneDancing · 04/02/2014 14:55

Shock blanket that's awful!

I would say your DH has two options:

Don't behave like a total dick and sort his 'flappy' mother out without being a shit to the woman who just gave birth to his child
OR
Grow up and tell his mother to put a cork in it until the weekend when you've had chance to breathe and she can flap all she likes.

He cant have his cake and eat it. I hope this isn't typical behaviour for him OP Sad

whereisshe · 04/02/2014 14:56

YANBU. Happily my parents and PIL live in another country so we haven't had this issue but even so we put an embargo on long-distance (non-drop in) visits in the first weeks when DD was born. There is no WAY I would have wanted anyone there other than DH immediately after she was born, and that was after a straightforward birth not a c-section... Can you fib about the date of your section?

nennypops · 04/02/2014 14:58

I suggest that you point out to DH that having a C-Section involves major surgery, and ask whether he would be feeling that sociable within a day of having his stomach cut open. And tell him that in those circumstances your wishes come first, and that's that. It won't kill MIL to wait a couple of days, particularly given that her performance last time indicates that she's actually not that bothered about the baby.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 14:59

The problem is not your annoying MIL (though she sounds like a delight Hmm )
The problem is your unsupportive husband. The weekend is a perfectly reasonable time for people to visit and see the baby. She isn't going to die of sadness and a broken heart because she has to see the baby when it's 5 days old rather than 1 day old.

SaucyJack · 04/02/2014 15:02

I think YABU, especially considering she didn't hang around last time.

Personally, I find it a bit weird and controlling to make "normal"/non-EA grandparents wait days to meet their new grandchild.

oscarwilde · 04/02/2014 15:02

Tell her the hospital is closed to visitors due to norovirus. Better that she doesn't risk getting ill and you'll see her at the weekend. Shorter visit at the hospital though so lessor of two evils in my book.

Purplepoodle · 04/02/2014 15:02

I can see your point BUT if your mum is going to be there I think its unreasonable for dh to ask his mum not to come. I would either go for a hospital visit or when she is coming retreat to bed and let dh deal with his mum

FuckingWankwings · 04/02/2014 15:03

Yep, it's your husband who's the problem here. He needs to grow some balls and support you.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 15:05

To be honest, I'd let her visit when she wanted.

Your Mum will be there so it's fair enough that he wants his Mum there too. It doesn't sound like she'll hang around for ages either. I wouldn't create an issue when there doesn't need to be one.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/02/2014 15:05

Sounds like it's your Dh who it's the problem tbh, it's his job to sort out phone calls etc, you should be concentrating on having new baby not listening to him 'go off at you!' He sounds dreadful, sorry but he does.

Tailtwister · 04/02/2014 15:06

YABU if your mum is going to see the baby then so should your MIL.