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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2014 15:07

Yeah I'd ask her to visit the hospital I think

And tell your DH you don't want to hear about the travel arrangement phone calls.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:09

It is totally reasonable to not want guests when you have just had a baby. No one has an automatic right to see the baby. My inlaws descended on us the morning after we got out of hospital. They are lovely, kind people. They even stayed in a hotel so we didn't have to sort out spare rooms etc. But, they still needed feeding and getting drinks for and just talking to. I wasn't comfortable feeding in front of people at that point, and newborns feed a lot. I was up and down the stairs (after a massive episiotomy and forceps delivery) constantly. They quizzed me on the birth, even though the details were pretty gruesome, and they wanted to hold DS all the time. I didn't get a look in. These lovely, kind people only wanted to see DS, but they were so blinded by this that at one point I had to say 'could you move off the sofa so that I don't have to sit on this rock solid dining room chair you are well aware of what has happened to my vagina this week'

It was just stressful. And if they had waited a week, they really really wouldn't have missed anything at all.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:11

Her mum is not there to see the baby, her mum is there to look after her older child.

PoppettyPing · 04/02/2014 15:12

I don't get some of these YABUs you're getting. You're the one giving birth, your wishes come first. I d

squoosh · 04/02/2014 15:13

Whatever, it just seems like a lot less hassle to let her see the baby and be on her way.

There are so many threads along the lines of 'how long can I fend off my MIL from seeing the baby for'. Just get it out of the way.

PoppettyPing · 04/02/2014 15:14

Oops phone posted too soon. I don't get this frantic need to see a newborn baby straightaway, fgs.

KellyElly · 04/02/2014 15:15

As you are the one having the baby then it's up to you who visits. If you want a bit of breathing space tell your husband to let her know. My ex's family visited a week after DD was born as I had a horrific birth. My parents drove us all back from the hospital but left shortly after they dropped us off to give us some space. It isn't about 'what's fair', that's a very childish way to look at things. It about what the OP, who will be the one going through a C-section, wants.

caruthers · 04/02/2014 15:21

MIL's at the back of the queue please.

Cravey · 04/02/2014 15:22

I think you are a little unreasonable but your husband needs to sort this out. Maybe let her come to the hospital and tell hubby he needs to grow up and sort his mother out with directions etc beforehand. I can see your point but think it would be sad to deny her. The issue lies with your hubby I think. He needs to be an adult and look put for his wife and kids.

squeakytoy · 04/02/2014 15:22

in any other place you would be being unreasonable... on mumsnet, if its your mother-in-law, you are automatically being reasonable no matter what..

tertle · 04/02/2014 15:23

I don't think YABU at all. However, I would say that it would probably be easier to have her come to the hospital for an hour rather than having to see her at home. And as someone upthread said, tell your husband you don't want to hear a thing about her travel arrangements! If she is desperate to come asap then she can organise it herself.

WhoNickedMyName · 04/02/2014 15:23

You'd be wise to get her visit done and dusted whilst you're in hospital on the Tuesday. It's perfect really - restricted visiting times, you don't have to entertain or provide drinks etc, she just comes in, has a cuddle and then goes.

As for the 'stress' of phonecalls about directions and parking, tell your DH that you'll be busy squeezing a baby out of your body so you'll leave him to deal with all that trivia and you don't want to hear about it.

Cravey · 04/02/2014 15:24

And of my husband had gone off at me just after giving birth then he would not be having another child with me ! He should be looking after you not stressing at you.

roweeena · 04/02/2014 15:27

I understand what you mean but if your mum is going to be there it is only fair that MIL comes too.

I felt great after DS1 & had loads of visitors immediately. After DS2 I had too many BIL & my mum came to the hospital then PIL and extended family. Everyone stayed. I just wanted them all to go away and leave me & my little perfect family alone.

If I ever have another one I will say nobody come to the hospital (that is special time for me, DH & new baby) and no visitors for the first week.

OneStepCloser · 04/02/2014 15:28

Your dh should just turn his phone off once he knows shes on her way, then she cant ring for directions/parking etc.

If your Mums there then it would look a bit mean to not let your MIL come, just make sure your in bed, and your dh can steer her downstairs for a cup of tea when your give him the nod.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:30

Her mum is going to be there, being helpful and babysitting. It is not the same as just coming to ogle at the new baby.

Charlie01234 · 04/02/2014 15:31

I'll be a mil one day and threads like this terrify me. ' Mils to the back of the queue please'. Give me strength. Just let her visit in hospital.

YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 15:33

She sounds like a pain in the arse. But tbh, I'd get the visit over with while you are still in hospital. That way you can relax once you go home.

I don't get people saying you are mean to allow your mother but not your mil though. Your mother is helping out with childcare. Your mil sounds like she does bugger all except pose for photos.

MummytoMog · 04/02/2014 15:34

IMO mothers and mothers in law can all fuck off to the back of beyond after you've had a baby.

My mother and my mother in law and my father in law and my brother in law all rocked up to the hospital when I had my PFB. I'd had a pretty hideous delivery, only just got her back from SCBU, hadn't slept, she was covered in a giant ventouse scab with a canula in her hand, I was covered in blood still because nobody would keep an eye on the baby so I could shower, and I had specifically said, repeatedly, that I didn't want any visitors while I was in hospital. I was furious.

The final straw was when my MiL started taking pictures of me attempting to breastfeed and change DD's nappy. It has taken some time to get over exactly how cross I am with DH that he didn't tell them all to piss off, like I asked him to. And my mother certainly is under no illusions that her behaviour was acceptable. After DS was born, she waited until she was invited before turning up. MiL is no doubt blithely oblivious, as she is to all other irritating aspects of her behaviour.

Cravey · 04/02/2014 15:34

It's ok Charlie not all daughter in laws are like that. Mine asked me to go with her for the birth of my grandson.

pianodoodle · 04/02/2014 15:36

Her mum is going to be there, being helpful and babysitting. It is not the same as just coming to ogle at the new baby.

I agree with this and YANBU

It's nothing to do with being "fair" to one person over another. You know from previous experience it's stressful and the day after giving birth you just don't need it.

After the first time, we prioritised how soon people came based on our needs and the baby's not anyone else's.

Also things like whether or not they can take a hint when it's time to go. From last time we know who will hang around all day drinking tea and making mess for us/needing to be entertained etc... so these people can wait, frankly!

TheBeautifulVisit · 04/02/2014 15:37

I think you are being unreasonable.

My MIL was waiting in the corridor as I was wheeled from the theatre recovery room to the ward. Once I was at home, she came every day for two weeks for at least 2 hours and plonked herself. I think everyone should have to suffer similarly.

Wantsunshine · 04/02/2014 15:37

I don't see why it has to be even that because her mum will see the baby first then that means MIL should hot foot it round to make it fair. If my husband was so insistent on this I would quite happily insist that my mum be there if he ever has a vasectomy, wisdom teeth out or any other operation.

It is different after an operation to be yourself in front of your mum than being polite and hospitable to an in law. I don't think you are being unreasonable. Can you agree to skype her or similar and then wait until the weekend?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:38

My parents asked us when it would be best for them to visit. That's the difference. You do not tell someone when you will be visiting them after they have a baby, you either wait to be invited or you ask when it would be best for them.

Original poster

floppops · 04/02/2014 15:38

Yes totally agree husband is a major problem. Him not supporting my wishes is a major issue. He isn't likely to change in the next few weeks so the way I've learnt to deal with it is to pre empt problems and try and deal with them before they arrive IYSWIM.
My mother will only see the baby briefly as she'll be here looking after DD when we arrive home. I've told her that I don't want her around much either in the first weeks either ( as she flaps around and stresses everyone out too ) I am blessed.
The driving directions, parking etc will be an issue at the hospital as MIL hasn't been there before. Of course any sensible person could work out a journey on their own but whenever she visits us or us her there is always a build up of multiple arrangement changing and phone calling. Drives both me and the husband nuts but unfortunately husband takes it out on me. Wouldn't say a word to his mum.

OP posts:

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