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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
MollyWhuppie · 04/02/2014 16:25

Why is it that for some people on MN being a MIL gives you carte blanche to be an inconsiderate knob? Personally I think the feelings of someone who has just given birth, let alone had major surgery, should be respected and will lead to more harmonious relationships all round.

I have sons and I am not worried about being a MIL one bit as I hope to remain a considerate person who will understand that my sons' future partners and children will come before my own 'needs'. Unfortunately not all MILs are nice people which is why they end up being talked about on threads like these.

mindthegap01 · 04/02/2014 16:27

I'm due any moment with my first DC. Both sets of grandparents live 4 hours away and so popping in for a short visit isn't an option. We've agreed that they'll stay in a local hotel though so they can meet their grandchild, help out a bit etc, but we'll still have our much needed space. Would your MIL agree to that-could she stay with your mother?

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 16:27

oh, just seen visiting is unrestricted, is she the type to look this up herself or rely on your DH telling her? From the inability to get to a hospital (a building that's normally the best signposted in a town) and then sort out parking her car (again usually rather user friendly around a hospital) makes me think it's the latter.

If so, tell her something like, "I don't know exactly what time my operation will be on the Monday, I'm booked for the morning, but if there's an emergancy, I'll get pushed down the list, it's unlikely I'm going to be in a fit state for the hospital to allow visitors on the Monday, but could you come on the Tuesday? Apparently the doctors have finished their rounds by 3pm, so that's when we could have visitors, they serve dinner at 5:30pm and prefer it if visitors have gone by then, is that alright for you, or would you prefer to come along after 6:30pm for the evening visitors? I think they are happy for you to be there until 8pm. Let me konw which works for you as I;m only allowed so many visitors at once and I know my mum would like to come along."

That sounds like you aren't letting your mum see your new DC earlier, it's the sort of hospital policy that sounds about right to your MIL and she's less likely to question it. I would also make a point to call it your "operation" - keep reminding her it's not just her DGC being born, but you are having a major adominal operation.

eurochick · 04/02/2014 16:28

Your MIL sounds like a flapper but she doesn't sound that bad. I think the real issue here is your husband, who should be acting as your guard dog, not rolling over like he's MIL's puppy... It should be up to him to say: this is when it would be convenient to visit, email directions and parking instructions in advance and then deal with her on the day. And never, ever take it out on the woman who has just pushed out his child.

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:30

I agree with worra - 'ogling' really?? For fucks sake. The hostility towards mils on here never ceases to depress me. The determination to find fault and pull rank is terrible.

OP - I think yabu. If your mum gets to meet baby, then I think it only fair that your dh's mum does too. She's not going to hang about long by the sounds of it, and I'm sure you can find it in you to grant her an hour in the hospital or back at home. Let your dh entertain her while you flake out...but please do let her come along for a little while.

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:33

I think the real issue here is your husband, who should be acting as your guard dog, not rolling over like he's MIL's puppy.

Act as a guard dog...against his own mother, on the birth of his own child?
You what??

Rolling over like mil's puppy? As opposed to being her son?

Oh my God. It just gets worse!

YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 16:36

Pictish, her own mother is looking after their other child not getting a look in before the other grandparent.

If his mother stresses him out to the point where he snaps at his wife who has just given birth, then he needs to sort himself out and treat his wife with a bit of respect.

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:38

Yes I saw that...but I still think they can make it fair by granting her a short visitation.
And if her dh snapped at her, that is his fault...not his mum's.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 16:38

Can someone explain why it is such a massive deal to wait until Saturday when the baby is born on the Tuesday? Why is it so vitally important that she see the baby when it is two days old, rather than four or five? Her relationship with her grandchild is not going to be damaged. If the OP thinks it's going to cause unnecessary stress when she wants to enjoy the time with her husband and new family of four, why can't MIL just wait a couple of days?

Inertia · 04/02/2014 16:38

As others have said, your husband is the main problem. (Your MIL is another problem but at least she doesn't unleash her temper tantrums on her post-partum wife).

In your shoes, and if it's only going to be MIL turning up, I think I'd be tempted to do as previous posters have suggested and give her a very clearly defined hospital visiting time for the following day, with a very tight window before visiting hours are over.

I'd tell your H that he has to go out of the ward to make phone calls, so then you don't have to deal with the flapping and shouting. And I'd also be telling the community midwife at your next regular appointment that your husband lost his temper with you immediately after the previous birth, and ask her what steps the hospital can put in place to deal with him if he kicks off in the hospital.

coolcookie · 04/02/2014 16:39

I had my baby at midday by csection and mil visited at 4pm. Although she was looking after older dc.
I do think it is only right for her to see them as your mum will.

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:42

I don't think the doors need be flung open for hours...but it seems to me that there are numerous threads that repeatedly crop up surrounding this scenario.
Differing circumstances and situations, but they often point to the same outcome....maternal grandmothers are welcomed far more readily than the paternal ones.
Not fair.

diddl · 04/02/2014 16:42

"but I still think they can make it fair"

Fair??

OPs having a baby, not a toy for toddlers to share!

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:43

Yes. Fair.

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 16:43

Why not Pictish - I was quite clear to DH I expected him to act as gatekeeper to my parents who are "hard work" and stress me out after I had DC1 (by DC2 I knew I was having a csection so I had time to plan and manage them myself).

After you've just given birth you are vunerable and need to be looked after, a big part of that IMO is making sure anyone who will stress the new mother is kept away from them (or managed in a way to avoid the stress being passed on). Although in this case, not only was the MIL causing problems and not being managed by the OP's DH, he was getting wound up and rather than keeping that to himself, he took it out on his DW who'd just had a baby.

The DH is a problem, he should learn to manage his reactions to his mother's flapping as well as managing her flapping.

I really hope if/when I'm a MIL I am the sort (like my MIL) who is a help, not someone who has to be "managed". (Same if DD has DCs)

Some people are lucky, they have parents and parents-in-law who are helpful people, some of us have ones who aren't just not a help, but actively a problem. Mind you, at least it's only my parents who are the problem, my PIL are fabulous people who are either in the "not a problem" camp or the "really helpful and supportive" camp - so they did get to see DC2 a full 24 hours before my parents, because their visit didn't require effort or stress.

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:46

I've had three, and I welcomed the 'ogling' eyes of all the gps for a short while, knowing they'd be champing at the bit.
I just had to lie there while they oohhed and aahed for a while before buggering off.
I didn't grudge it. Why would I?

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 16:46

I must be a total twat then as my own mother has not even met my 14 week old yet!

Neither have any of my brothers nor my dad,only one member of my own family so far has.

Have visitors when ever you want them. Your the one who will have just had an op.

If anybody is unable to put their own needs on the back burner then tell them to naff off.

coolcookie · 04/02/2014 16:46

So your mum is providing childcare and than she has to go too.

eurochick · 04/02/2014 16:47

pictish is it really objectionable that the husband should regulate visitors immediately after the birth? Would you have any visitors turning up at any time and the husband just letting them waltz in? You seem to have read my post as being anti-MIL when it absolutely wasn't. I just see this as the husband's role when the mother is likely to be exhausted and quite possibly in physical pain after the birth. He should be protecting her from stresses - and that includes from relatives in her family if they are difficult.

IMO the MIL should be able to visit, but at a clearly defined time and with arrangements made in advance to reduce the flapping. I think it will only become more stressful for all concerned if she is forced to stay away.

KellyElly · 04/02/2014 16:47

The OP is having the baby. This is her choice. What is 'fair' and what isn't is irrelevant. If anyone else is prepared to swap bodies and have the c-section for her then they can make the choice, otherwise I would say it's up to her. It's a few days ffs. Surely people can wait to see the baby if they are not the actual parents.

rinabean · 04/02/2014 16:48

Some real drama queens on here.

My MIL has always stressed to me that though she's obviously and will always be my husband's mother, it's normal and natural that he should prioritise me now he's a grown married man. And guess what, because she is reasonable and not a complete weirdo, we get on well and I've never once had to actually put that to the test. He's her only child and everything so don't start on that 'only sons' crap. Maybe that's why she made an effort to treat her DIL like a human being and not some kind of progeny dispenser she has rights over - or maybe it's just because she's a nice person anyway

OP YANBU but your DH is

MirandaGoshawk · 04/02/2014 16:48

YANBU.

It's a special and difficult time and people should have the sensitivity to fit round your wishes. Explain to your DH that he is a dick.

HumphreyCobbler · 04/02/2014 16:49

I think thoughtful people are welcomed more readily than insensitive ones actually, it may be ILS or parents who are the insensitive ones.

This time round everyone came round to the hospital and I really wished they hadn't. I never minded with my other two dc but this time I found myself feeling much worse (3rd section with appalling spd that rendered me immobile and much less effective pain relief than before) and I felt embarrassed, upset, in pain and hungry as they all turned up as my meal did. People pointed out my catheter bag. My boobs were so big I didn't fit into my clothes properly. My face swelled to the size of a pumpkin which I was shocked about. I wanted to either die or kill them all. I was probably hormonal as hell, but if this had happened to me on baby number two there is NO WAY I would have had anyone I wasn't comfortable with around in hospital on baby 3.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 16:49

" Differing circumstances and situations, but they often point to the same outcome....maternal grandmothers are welcomed far more readily than the paternal ones.
Not fair. "

Silly comments on fairness and pulling rank! It isn't about that.
But obviously women will be more comfortable bleeding, ill, vulnerable around their own mothers and not around a woman they may not even know well. Any woman should realise that. The only people bothered by the fairness issue must be MILs that feel wronged by their dILs. Perhaps they should have a look at their own behaviour and try to see why that is.

OP posts:
pictish · 04/02/2014 16:50

I don't think viewing has to be straight away btw - but if OP's dh wants his mum to have access, and her own mum gets a look, then I think it would be unfair to say no.
I know I know...it's all about what the new mother wants on MN...I get it, and I even understand why...but seeing as it seems that the mil won't be for getting in the way, I honestly can't see why not.