To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

[floppops]

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

Seconded Jux

I would've loved my future MIL to have cared enough to want to have visited DD and I after I gave birth, but perhaps not straight away. Although she did text she didn't bother to take the hour and a half journey up here. I am glad in a way as she can be a complete cow and was so about 5 months afterwards when she complained she'd only seen DD two times (long story). All in all I think it's nice to care and to want to visit the baby but to ask first before making assumptions.

If my fiancés Mum said, 'I'd love to see you and DD tomorrow is it OK if Dad and I come up?' I'd probably have said sure, unless it was the same day as I'd had DD (because it was an EMCS and I could barely talk to anyone I was so tired/drugged up that the conversation would've been riveting and I wouldn't have felt well enough).

But anything after 24 hours I'd probably have said OK to if they were respectful that it would only be for a short time and if they asked in advance and were not going to be a big hassle.

But I digress in your situation I seriously think that you're not being unreasonable, because your MIL is just being dramatic; if she can't find her way she should invest in a decent Satnav or get a train then a taxi from the train station, problem solved. She shouldn't be pestering her son and daughter in law when they have just had a baby, it's ridiculous.

Only on MN's do I really come across this.

I had parents and in-laws visit me all five time after I got home (I went home 4 hours after birth) and most of my friends/family who have had babies recently (there has been loads lately it seems) were all happy to have visitors early on as long as they were reasonably short.

I personally would never have told me MIL that she had to wait a few days to see her grandchildren, she was jumping at the bit to see them and I know that as a grandmother I will want to see mine as soon as possible too. My husband wanted his parents to visit and he had every right to request that and if I didn't like it? I would have simply asked for a short visit and then had a bath or something and let my husband speak to them so I didn't have to if I wasn't up to it. He would have respected my wishes either way but I personally wouldn't dream of asking his parents to stay away for a few days.

I can see not wanting visitors if the birth has been traumatic with complications but I personally don't understand deciding before the birth that you don't want any visitors.

But I admit to having good births and easy recoveries and found it really special having visitors. I just couldn't wait for people to meet them and share the special time.

sorry for the typos and mistakes.

Rotten cold and tired ;)

hope you feel better soon SamU2

Could you give her a useful job to do? Even if it was something like picking you up a takeaway on the way over? Or cuddling baby while you take a bath? It might feel less difficult then. You and your dh need to be a team on this and to compromise in some way, much as you resent last Times visit, there's not much point getting him to resent this time. Also perhaps he could text or email her details of parking/travelling before hand and explain he will be busy for lots of phone calls on the day as he will be caring for you and baby? Xxx

Update on what happened with my mil as the original question caused so many comments.
I ended up having my c section 6 days earlier last Wednesday than planned due to the baby being fully engaged. Was quite a difficult one as he was so far down-had to be forceps to get him out.
Anyway the mil was asked to come on the weekend-so 4 days after birth. She offered to bring a ready meal and invited my DHs brother and girlfriend too. Ended up with her cooking all our food and an unbelievable mess, several bottles of champagne consumed( not by me ), oven and hob left on, utensils set on fire etc...
Our DD was quite upset with her as she ignored her-didn't pay much attention to the baby either-just insisted the baby be kept outside in the garden as that's where she wanted to eat-DS was preterm..
NIGHTMARE!
She said oh you really should be resting and I said I was I was asleep when you arrived grrr...
DH had cleaned up the whole house for them and had to start all over again when they left.

So OP, if you have baby number 3, its gonna be longer before shes allowed to visit right?

She obviously has no respect for you and ignoring your poor DD and demanding the baby outside.

Hope you told her what for!

I dont understand why you cant see how hurtful and unfair it will be to have your mum there even if its to look after your eldest, and for your MIL to not be allowed to come when you get home.

Instead of keeping her away you should be saying let her come when she wants so she doesnt feel left out. And with your mum there just how much hard work is your MIL going to be.

Im really sorry but this whole thing stinks.

Hi floppops congratulations on your new baby. Your MIL sounds like a bloody nightmare, especially for ignoring your poor DD. At least that first visit is over with and hopefully you will now have time to be with your family in peace.
I sympathise as my own mother is like this, we are expecting DC2 soon and although I've put my foot down and been very very clear about visiting arrangements this time I know she'll take the p*ss. Some people never change unfortunately!

I didn't read the whole thread.

But I stand by what I said.

The whole thing stank.

The only thing that stank was the mil and her attitude.

A new mum with a pre term baby does not need the added stress of a selfish cow who just wants to drink and makes huge amounts of mess. Different if she was helpful in any way but she wasn't.

I hope it's a good long while till her next visit.

Caitlyn, did you not see the above update? Her mil came, ignored her dd, invited other people, drank a load of booze, made a bloody mess, set things on fire etc, etc and you think it stinks?? Me too, but I think we're seeing it from different sides. I would be bloody furious, not to mention knackered and overwhelmed with having a newborn.

Well OP I don't think you deserved a lot of the accusatory comments about MIL flaming.

Congratulations on your lovely NB, sorry it was stressful, but hopefully you will get some peace now. Give your daughter lots of hugs so she doesnt feel left out.

Congratulations on your new son. I hope your DH is treating you well.