Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 04/02/2014 15:40

I have a son and I don't worry about becoming a MIL, unless I start acting like a thoughtless knob all of a sudden... :)

KellyElly · 04/02/2014 15:40

Maybe you should ban your DH and MIL and invite a good frind and have a stress free time Grin

KellyElly · 04/02/2014 15:40

*friend

littlemslazybones · 04/02/2014 15:41

If you get mil to visit while your mum is there maybe your mum could chat to her, field the stress and top up the wine and generally protect your space?

Wantsunshine · 04/02/2014 15:42

May be mention to your husband you may not want him there as he is not looking out for your best interests. Perhaps that may make him rethink and say to you MIL the weekend is when she is invited to meet the baby.

wishful75 · 04/02/2014 15:42

Yanbu and for the life of me can't understand why you would be getting any yabu.

Your birth, your baby, your choice. End of.

SaucyJack · 04/02/2014 15:43

I took both DDs to Tesco on my own two days after having DD2- never mind making tea for visitors.

Some of you sound like right pwecious pwincesses TBperfectlyH.

littlemslazybones · 04/02/2014 15:44

Fuck off Saucy Jack.

caruthers · 04/02/2014 15:45

wishful75

It's her birth but it certainly isn't just her baby.

What a strange thing to say!

GingerRodgers · 04/02/2014 15:47

Well lucky old you saucy jack Hmm

Unfortunately not everyone recovers quite as quickly. Especially after major abdominal surgery.

springlamb · 04/02/2014 15:49

I think I would rather get it over and done with on the Tuesday.
Tell your dh you wish to know nothing about the travel arrangements at all. It should be easy to ignore as he can go outside for phone cslls etc. You will see her between 3 and 4 on Tuesday and then not again for a couple/few weeks.
I remember going home after my second section - MIL (who is fine and had been looking after DS) handed Dh And I huge mugs of tea, picked up her overnight bag and left us alone on the sofa all snuggled up. Bliss.
You'll get no peace in the hospital anyway so lump her in with all that and ensure your DH runs around and fusses only after you and the DC once you're home.

loopylouu · 04/02/2014 15:51

Yanbu. I am having no one visit for a few weeks when this baby is born. My ex sounded like your dh. His parents came to stay for 3 days the day I got home from a section. They took our bed and I had to sleep on a blow up bed on the floor!

And FWIW, I have a son. One day, hopefully, I will be a MIL and a new grandmother. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if ds gf/dw whatever wanted her own mum there 24/7 and not me. Of course she'd be more comfortable with her own mother, not me. I'd visit when invited and only when they were comfortable.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 15:51

Exactly it would be great to be asked. Obviously I wasn't consulted last time and I'm often left out of family in law arrangements and just have to then fit in.
Unfortunately when MIL thinks I'll say no she'll go straight to DH who always says yes.
And this isn't MIL bashing. I would love to have a supportive loving family in law especially as I have only my mother on my side but after 8 years I accept what I cannot change.
Yes most of us will be MILs but it is up to us how we behave and I can tell you I would'nt treat anyone the way I'm treated by DHs family let alone my childrens partners.

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:52

Are you usually such a giant twat saucy?

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 15:52

Wow can't you just tell who the MILs are on this thread.

What people forget is that the woman labouring gets to choose who she wants to visit. Tough shit on every one else! It really is that simple.

op a way to give you a rest at home would be to let her visit at the hospital. Your dh can deal with her outside your room - away from you. Tough titty if he gets in flap, he is a grown adult and if he takes it out on you tell him to fuck off home too. Pre warn him.

My MIL flew out the country in a rage on the day I was due because I wouldn't let her be present at the birth. She rocked up two weeks later, with some random fucking stranger.

The fact he went of at you when you just had a baby makes me think he is a knob.

I have had two MILs one was lovely supportive and helpful and is still a firm friend. The other is overbearing, manipulative and childish.

Set your stall out now so every one knows what they are doing. I was so stressed out in my last month because if fucking idiots and their expectations of what my birth was going to be like . Angry

HopeClearwater · 04/02/2014 15:52

Is this the stupidest argument I've ever seen on MN? Possibly.

And to you, SaucyJack - what littlemslazybones said.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 15:55

saucy who cares????

pianodoodle · 04/02/2014 15:57

Only 2 days after saucy?

How lazy. I jumped up after 2 minutes to get the shopping In. I just sent the placenta back in the post.

leelteloo · 04/02/2014 15:58

Yanbu. I didn't allow any visitors for two weeks after my 3rd section & I'm jolly glad I made that decision. I was in heaps of pain, adjusting to being a mother to 3 children and just knew I would not want to be sociable. Our friends and family just had to wait.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 15:58

Sorry I just don't believe you went to Tescos 2 days after a c section on your own with 2 DDs.
And by the way it isn't a competition.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/02/2014 15:58

Ooh yes, you must make sure that your mum & mil get equal "viewing rights"Hmm.

Or you could tell them that you've given birth & you'll see who you feel up to seeing!

How MIL takes it is her problem.

When your husband is in hospital/just home after surgery, he can see who he wants to.

Although he might find no one clamouring to visit since he wouldn't have produced a GC!

Cravey · 04/02/2014 16:00

Mishmash I don think its a case of being a mother in law as such. I think it's a case of being helpful to the new mum. I get on very well with my dil but that's because I know how hard it is to have a bad mil. If I hadn't got a grandchild of my own I would still say she should let the mil visit. Maybe op what someone said about getting g the mums there together would be easier ? She can take her cue from your mum maybe. Either way I hope you're birth goes well.

diddl · 04/02/2014 16:00

If the journey/parking is an issue, best all round if MIL leaves it until you get home, surely?

OpalQuartz · 04/02/2014 16:00

Did you have a caesarian Saucyjack?

OpalQuartz · 04/02/2014 16:02

I was playing singles tennis 2 hours after the birth and then ran a marathon before swimming the Channel.

Swipe left for the next trending thread