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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 17:39

op I think both you and your mil are colluding in allowing your dh to be a massive twat

sorry that's not helpful I know. are you afraid of his temper? of loosing it?

I agree with you, the H sounds quite abusive and it seems like OP is afraid of him. So frightened of him lashing out at her, she is trying to stop her H to be in a position where he would get angry

What is he going to be like with 2 DC, sleepless nights and all the other stress it will bring? The MIL is the least of her worries

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 17:40

What are you suggesting Remote, should she LTB now?

Cravey · 05/02/2014 17:41

I said she needed to asses her relationship not leave, would like to clarify that. Yes she is having a baby and her hubby should be supportive not stressing at her.

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 17:43

Never used those words Rain but how can she enjoy getting the baby out when she is in a relationship where she is frightened of her partner lashing out at her?

You are telling her to concentrate on getting the baby out and joy - not much joy when your partner could lash out at any second

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 17:46

right, so you are suggesting she up roots her whole life, right now, and leaves him are you?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 17:47

but how can she enjoy getting the baby out when she is in a relationship where she is frightened of her partner lashing out at her?

I think this has been answered quite a few times over on this thread.

The answer is as op herself said, damage limitation by removing MIL from hospital visiting. Removing a trigger for her partner.

Yes MIL may be upset but I think we all agree do we not that op is having rather a hard time..

bodygoingsouth · 05/02/2014 17:51

men like this though will use any trigger to excuse their temper outbursts.

it might be better that he stressed at mil rather than at op or the children.

his mother knows him.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 17:53

I don't think so body, the mil stressed him out with constant needyness and he took it out on op then he side lined op later for the mil.

He didnt take his frustrations out on mil did he Confused

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 17:53

If you read my previous posts, you will see I suggested marriage counselling, not LTB. Go back and look Grin

Damage limitation is not the answer. The OP cannot control every situation and damage limitation in every aspect of her life so twatface doesn't lash out at her. Hardly a life is it?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 17:59

Remote I think you are spectacularly missing the whole point here.

Damage limitation right now is the answer. yes.

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 18:04

Not missing the point spectacularly rather seeing the whole picture

Do you think twatface will never get angry again and not lash out at OP just because MIL doesn't turn up at the hospital?

Life really isn't that simple. Twatface needs to do some work on himself then hopefully he and OP can work things out

Jux · 05/02/2014 18:11

Frankly, it sounds like you'd be better off with none of them there.

Tell all the staff that you don't want visitors at all. None. You'll be far less stressed, and your MIL and h may reflect on their behaviour if they are banned from visiting at all.

bodygoingsouth · 05/02/2014 18:13

but if the dh doesn't agree with his mil being kept away he will obviously take it out on the op and maybe the children.

it's no point banning the mil if her dh doesn't agree as men like this won't be controlled or told.

it's not the mil it's the dh whose the problem.

of course the op can't up and leave, she has to concentrate on herself and the baby for now, that's why I think just going with the flow for now and not making a stand might be better.

definatly changes needed down the line of course.

op so very sorry love.

Jux · 05/02/2014 18:14

I'm not entirely joking either.

Your h won't listen or consider your feelings when you are giving birth? Especially when you were readmitted last time? Shocking and disgusting. And you can't appeal to him, can only manage the fall out.

I'm really tempted to use those well-known 3 letters.

In fact, I will. LTB.

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 18:18

Yay Jux is here Smile

Go go go!

bodygoingsouth · 05/02/2014 18:22

Jux what about her dd though. if she hadn't got a child already I would agree with you but it's not practical.

Original poster
floppops · 05/02/2014 18:23

Yes I realise H is a problem. He has various issues that he is working on and getting help for.
He is indeed a hugely difficult person and we have split in the past with huge amounts of drama all over the place. I am with him for various reasons but my eyes are wide open to the reality of the situation and I have chosen it for now.
As some have said ending a marriage a few weeks before giving birth isn't a great idea although it has gone through my mind!
We did have counselling with several different counsellors-just didn't work well for us.
When I am very adamant about what I want I can usually make that happen but I always need to work that out first-hence the original post. Discussion doesn't work well for us. It is just the way it is. H has good points as does his family. It isn't all bleak but certainly is tricky. I wish he was more supportive but I knew how he was before I married him and accepted that.

OP posts:
bodygoingsouth · 05/02/2014 18:26

re the visiting obviously. as for leaving him op that's for you to decide but you certainly deserve better than this is now. he's behaving dreadfully.

Straitjacket · 05/02/2014 18:26

Well, I don't think the OP is being unreasonable in her circumstances. If her DP would grow a backbone and sort out his mother so it didn't have a knock on effect on the OP, I would then say she was being unreasonable to stop her seeing her grandchild.

This is coming from someone who has a great relationship with her MIL, who had her waiting outside the door of the labour room with DS1 and also helped out a huge amount afterwards. And then she was also actually there from the moment I found out I was 5cm dilated until the birth of DS2. She was amazing, and I couldn't thank her enough. And she couldn't thank me enough for allowing her to be there! (It wasn't planned for her to be there for the birth). Again, she was brilliant afterwards. Cooked us meals and dropped them around for us and so on.

So I am far from being anti-MIL. But the last thing the OP needs post operation, is a stressed out DP caused by a stressed out MIL, who takes it out on her and then later expects her to wait on them whilst they sit around drinking wine.

bodygoingsouth · 05/02/2014 18:31

op when kids are introduced all those amusing little character traits you tolerated before kids become fucking annoying massive problems.

you sound really sensible but honestly marriage shouldn't be this hard, it's supposed to be fun! it's supposed to be supportive,kind, friendly. give and take.

you deserve better than he is currently offering you.

sosadforhim · 05/02/2014 19:29

what a shame the behaviour of family are taking the shine off this special time for youSad All I can suggest is to go with your gut instincts on this, you don't need this stress. You can deal with your dh and all of those issues when you have the time and space to think and assess your life.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 05/02/2014 19:49

remote

...Yay Jux is here smile

Go go go!

Can I remind you this isnt some game, there is a real person wanting help and advice here, you sound like you are really enjoying this and want someone to lay into the op to tel her to leave her DH.

I am disgusted, have I mis read that post?

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 20:04

I wish some people would learn to read Hmm

remotecontrols · 05/02/2014 20:08

Yes I realise H is a problem. He has various issues that he is working on and getting help for

He is indeed a hugely difficult person and we have split in the past with huge amounts of drama all over the place. I am with him for various reasons but my eyes are wide open to the reality of the situation and I have chosen it for now

It is interesting how the problems you are having OP go beyond a simple MIL issue. The fact that you have split over his behaviour shows how deep rooted some of these issues are.

Do you think if MIL just stays away that your OH will not have a go at you? He may well have a go at you for another reason.

If counselling has been tried and doesn't work, he doesn't listen to you, how do you intend to resolve this situation?

I would be concerned that his behaviour would become worse and it would impact negatively on you and your children

Jux · 05/02/2014 20:09

No, it isn't a game, it is a real person's life. That life sounds very stressful, and many people would be better ebding the relationship even only a few weeks before giving birth.

Floppops, your eyes are open, clearly, and you know what your h is like. May I just point out that you deserve better? You deserve someone who would cherish you and protect you when you are vulnerable. One day, I hope you find that person.