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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 04/02/2014 16:02

You're the one giving birth. Do it how you want it. If you don't want her there, tell her. She can come in a day or two. If I was her I wouldn't do that to my dil anyway, unless she wanted me there.

AngelaDaviesHair · 04/02/2014 16:03

My parents asked us when it would be best for them to visit. That's the difference. You do not tell someone when you will be visiting them after they have a baby, you either wait to be invited or you ask when it would be best for them

This is it in a nutshell. I've said before on here, my MIL is not great, but even she would not impose in these circumstances. She'd be on the door like a bouncer, keeping unwanteds out.

KellyElly · 04/02/2014 16:04

Some of you sound like right pwecious pwincesses TBperfectlyH. I would like to say what you sound like, but would be pointless as I'll just get deleted.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 16:04

Also unfortunately there is unrestricted visiting hours for family at the hospital we're having DS in. I'm sure I could ask the midwives to not let them in but that's a bit mean! And DH wouldn't.
So that means they could rock up whenever...

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 04/02/2014 16:06

^I took both DDs to Tesco on my own two days after having DD2- never mind making tea for visitors.

Some of you sound like right pwecious pwincesses TBperfectlyH.

Oooh, aren't you a clever girl. Whoopee doo doo for you.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 16:07

cravey op states that mil won't be helpful though? So what would be the point.

Tbh I would have loved a helpful second pair of hands. Dp was like a headless chicken, I'd not slept for three days when I came home. I was so weak after nearly needing a blood transfusion. I really struggled. It actually puts me off having another one.

If I thought for one second mil would have come found to let me sleep, help with the house and look after baby I would have booked her in fir a month!
Sadly that would have never happened.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 16:08

She is not just the MIL.

GingerMaman · 04/02/2014 16:09

Yanbu, you are the one giving birth, and it's your choice. End of.

Personally I found it easier having guests at the hospital, that way I didn't have to worry about keeping the house tidy and they wouldn't stay for the whole day!

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 16:09

In this situation, to the OP, yes actually. She is just the MIL.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 16:11

Who is she the trampled ???

TheBeautifulVisit · 04/02/2014 16:12

I liked my MIL coming as she cooched with baby and I went for a lovely long hot bath and read my book for about an hour. It was bliss.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 16:13

She is the childs grandparent and the OPs husbands mother.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2014 16:15

Her mum is going to be there, being helpful and babysitting. It is not the same as just coming to ogle at the new baby.

Seriously?

Only on MN can a grandmother meeting her newborn grandchild for the first time be described as 'ogling' Confused

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 16:15

Well that isn't the experience I've had or will have and TBH it's not even a stressful visit that's the worst part it's the fuss and stress she causes DH and then that comes down to me. I've tried to communicate this to her but she doesn't get it. Of course that's DHs problem I suppose but I'm just trying to do a bit of damage control early.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 16:16

YANBU - but, having done this the other way (my parents are the nightmares), I found strict hospital visiting made it easier. Invite her for the Tuesday afternoon visiting. Tell your DH to tell her in advance about the parking and any directions she needs, then tell him you don't want her stressing him out so as long as he's certain she's got directions, switch his phone off. Or can you talk to DH about asking someone else in the family to drive her who's less stressy? (does he have any aunts/uncles who'd do it?)

In my case, visiting was 3-7, I told them from 5pm-7pm, it just limited the length of time I has to deal with them.

Ignore the "princess" comments, I had a C section in the summer, I had it on a Tuesday morning, on the Wednesday morning I tried to walk to the shower and fainted. On the Thursday I was discharged, but was in a lot of pain and couldn't walk very far - getting to the car was hard work.

By day 10 I could walk DS to nursery, but you won't be able to lift anything for nearly 3 weeks, getting the carseat in and out of the car was too much for me.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 16:16

thebeautiful god I wish she could have come mine!

trampled and op is the mother - that trumps ALL!

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 16:18

I was pointing out the difference between one grandparent coming to help out (practically) and the other grandparent coming to have her photo taken with the baby, cause the mother stress, and create more work.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 16:19

flops tbf your dh needs to sort that out himself because he is projecting on to you.

Deal with him rather than stressing over her

happyscouse · 04/02/2014 16:19

Well i'm not a mother in law (yet) but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable op. I had two pretty crappy births but was happy for my inlaws to visit as soon as they wanted too..they really really wanted to see their grandchildren and to see their son and congratulate us as a couple. They are not the most helpful of people but i couldn't hurt them or my husband by putting them off.Your husband may be a bit calmer this time round and not pass his stresses on to you, I agree with those who say he should step up and protect you from feeling any stress from the visit from her or anyone else. Good Luck with the birth!

Worried3 · 04/02/2014 16:20

YANBU

You are the one having the baby and going through the section- it' s up to you when you feel ready for visitors. Visitors (whether at home or in hospital) normally ask if it is convenient or wait to be invited- even if their intention is to come and be helpful (which it doesn't sound like your MIL will be). They do not dictate when they come, if they have any manners or consideration for others

However, your DH needs to grow a pair and explain to his mother the above. I'd say your problem is as much with him as it is with your MIL. They ABU.

I disagree with those saying you have to let your MIL visit as your DM will be there- this is not a situation where everyone has to get an "equal shot" of the baby. Your DM is there looking after your eldest child, so she is being helpful and presumably there at your request. That's the difference. Also, you have said she will not be staying long after you get back, so it's not like she's going to be living with you for a week while your MIL is not allowed so much as a glimpse of the baby.

MummytoMog · 04/02/2014 16:21

That's nice. Did she just shove a baby out through her vagina, or have her abdomen cut open? No? Then she is not the most important person in this situation.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 16:21

Yep maybe I should make up a visiting time and tell DH what it is. He'll never check.
Although I bet if I say it's 5-7 say they will call every 10 mins saying they're late and are worried they won't make it in time and then arrive late after 100 panicked phone calls to realise I'd lied about visiting times. She is always very late.
I could never persuade DH to turn off his phone-he'd rather die.

OP posts:
Cravey · 04/02/2014 16:21

I'm beginning to think I must be a top mother in law haha. On a serious note I would have to let her come and see her grandchild. The baby is after all family to her. I just don't get why these mil seem to come and not help. If I ever slip into that role I would hope my son would tell me. And that's the point op. Your hubby needs to sort this out. He really does. Let her come but tell him no stress on you in any way shape or form. That means he has to be a grown up and deal with his mother.

cosikitty · 04/02/2014 16:22

I hope when your DS has a child you will understand when the maternal grandmother is allowed to see the baby, but you are kept away and not allowed to see your new grandchild until the following weekend.

Maybe your MIL didn't stay around to help last time as she sensed she wasn't welcome.

Cravey · 04/02/2014 16:23

The being late thing is rude. If she's late to visiting time then touch she misses it. And your hubby needs to turn his phone off st the hospital. It's all simple.