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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 16:50

but they often point to the same outcome....maternal grandmothers are welcomed far more readily than the paternal ones

That's mostly because people who have just had an operation or given birth and are getting to grips with the baby stuff are far more comfortable with their own mothers being around and witnessing things that they are not ok with other people's mothers seeing.

I have a interestingly manky toe I wouldn't object to my own mother getting a look but I wouldn't show your mother even if I was married to you.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 16:50

Well pictish perhaps because your inlaws did not cause you stress and upset?

MrsOakenshield · 04/02/2014 16:51

the real problem here is your husband - the fact that when he gets stressed out by his mother-who-he-can't-say-'no'-to, he takes it out on you, is appalling. Your actual MIL's behaviour is nothing in comparison to this.

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:51

I'm not a mil...at least not yet. I will be one day though.

And OP I wasn't specifically referring to you personally in that statement - just a general MN thing.

TamerB · 04/02/2014 16:53

If you want your mother there it stands to reason that he wants his there too. Why should he feel differently?

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 16:53

fair??

There is nothing fair about it.

The mil wants to be there to see the baby. Full stop.
Ops mum will be helping with dc and more inclined tto be actually arsed that her daughter has gone through major surgery and ops well being?

I can't understand why people think that MILs are on par with actual mothers Hmm

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 16:54

Because they are actual mothers?

TamerB · 04/02/2014 16:54

Maybe because they are the 'actual mother' of the equal parent. Hmm

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 16:55

My MIL cleaned my house whilst I was in hospital so I came back to a sparkling and tidy abode - she is more than welcome to come over as soon as she likes after the birth of my next baby! If she wasn't lovely and supportive, like the OP's MIL isn't, then it would be different.

In terms of maternal/paternal grandmothers - there are lots of intimate things going on around and after childbirth and I think it's fair for someone eg struggling to breastfeed to be more comfortable doing that in front of their own mother than their MIL.

I would go for a hospital visit though, it sounds easier especially if she doesn't want to stay long. Can you send directions in advance?

pictish · 04/02/2014 16:55

I can't understand why people think that MILs are on par with actual mothers

Are mils not actual mothers then?

MollyWhuppie · 04/02/2014 16:55

My mum actually gave a shit about me and how I felt after a horrific birth, and spent time helping me - not just focussed on looking at the baby. My husband's mother on the other hand only cared about looking at the baby. That was the difference between the two in my situation. I didn't stop the in laws coming to see the baby, but it was my mum I wanted around after I had my babies.

TamerB · 04/02/2014 16:55

Maybe MIL would love to be a help after major surgery- if allowed.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 04/02/2014 16:56

Agree the DH is the problem here. I think nothing will stop this MIL visitng so I would just let her come but let your DH look after her. Your Mum can concentrate on you if she is still there.

Worried3 · 04/02/2014 16:56

Pictish- surely the point is that the OP doesn't want her MIL visiting so soon. She has said her own mother won't be staying long, and is there to look after the elder child.

She is the one who has had the c/s and it's up to her to decide when she is ready for visitors. The fact that you or I might be happy with the same day/next day or whatever is irrelevant- it's how the OP feels. And last time, her MIL made matters worse (albeit unintentionally). I agree though that her DH needs to stop taking his stress out on OP, and that is the source of much of the problem. Doesn't sound like he, or OPs MIL, are going to magically change overnight though, so the situation is likely to repeat itself. On that basis, damage limitation is required- in this case, that means not having her MIL until she's ready.

As a general point, it is not up to the GPs to decide when they will visit.

ApocalypseThen · 04/02/2014 16:57

MILs are actual mothers, last I heard?

And I must say, there's little recognition that both the wives and mothers in law are responsible for the state of their relationship, it's not the sole job of the mother in law to act like some kind of servant waiting for scraps of family inclusivity.

YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 16:58

It's not a matter of anyone being on a par or anything being fair to each and every grandparent. It is a matter of what the OP feels regarding who she wants to see following major surgery. Anyone likely to cause upset should either have to wait or have their visit cut very short, and I include the father in that because he sounds like a berk.

BrandNewIggi · 04/02/2014 16:58

But they are not the 'actual mother' of the person who has just had surgery.

Bluecarrot · 04/02/2014 16:58

YANBU. My DPs family drove the 2 hours to visit me the day I was getting out of hospital, arriving as we were leaving and so came home with us. I like them but was recovering from CS, overtired, struggling with bf and wanted homecoming to be just dd, new baby, DP and I. Instead we came through door and I went straight to bed to feed her, trying not to cry! If they has waited just one or two more days it would have made a world of difference, but DP didn't speak up.

However, similarly to you, my parents ( who live next door to me) were looking after elder dd, and also driving us home as DP can't drive. But they stayed clear unless asked. In fact, 2.5 weeks after her birth they are still v respectful of our space. But I guess DP thought it unfair my family would see her first.

ScentedScandal · 04/02/2014 17:00

'The hostility towards mils on here never ceases to depress me. The determination to find fault and pull rank is terrible.' Agree with Pictish and subsequent posts.

I also think yabu. I can well remember the procession of visitors and how frazzled I felt but they only mean well and want to welcome the new family member. And I say that as someone with a very frazzlesome mil.

pictish · 04/02/2014 17:01

Look - I'm expressing myself quite strongly here, when in actuality I don't even mind that much. Do whatever you like OP - it's up to you and your husband.
Seeing as you did ask though...I thinbk that if your mum gets a peek, then so too should his.
I couldn't bring myself to differentiate between the gps like that...but that's me.
You do what suits, and good luck. x

MollyWhuppie · 04/02/2014 17:01

Tamer it appears from the OP MIL is more interested in drinking wine ans stressing DH out rather than helping.

Trinpy · 04/02/2014 17:03

I don't think yabu to want mil to wait a few days to see the baby. I would have thought most women would want as few visitors as possible when they'd just given birth. You have to respect that, imo.

My sil gave birth about 3 weeks ago and no one from our side of the family has visited yet. I think it's only fair to the new mum that she has as much time as she needs to recover from the birth, establish breastfeeding, etc before visitors descend. Sil's family may have already visited them, but that is a separate issue - it's not a competition.

I agree the OP's dh should stand up to his dm as it doesn't sound much fun for him either. Unfortunately, I don't think he will.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 04/02/2014 17:04

I always feel sorry for paternal grandmothers, esp those with no daughters. They do always play second fiddle with new babies as most new mothers want their own Mother around. Bit like Mother of the Bride and Mother of the Groom all over again. I actually had no one around when mine were born as both my Mother was a teacher working full time and my MIL ran her own business! .

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 17:05

Not the actual op mother no!

If it was the dh that was pushing a baby out f his arse hole or having his guts cut open then ALL MILs could rejoice in the fact they weren't 'left' out and grab a leg or camp out side the room!

There is no contest! Jesus all these over bearing MILs need beating back with a shitty stick!!!!

5madthings · 04/02/2014 17:06

yanbu op and i agree with hopalong

and i have four boys and i hope if they have children i will remember how vulnerable i felt just after giving birth and will visit my dil when she says its ok. if her mother visits first so what? its understandable she will be more comfortsble with her own mother in the days just after giving birth.

my parents always asked when it was ok to visit and brought food etc. for my first two my inlaws arrived within 24hrs of the birth and expected to be fed and entertained. the final.straw was at 10pm at night when they were still in our house expecting us to play host and then they remarked how tired i looked considering i had just been sat on the sofa all afternoon....yes just sat on the sofa bfeeding my newborn who i was up all night giving birth too!! and they brought their bloody dog that i am allergic to..

my parents waited a few days before visiting.

we were stricter with visitors with the next three, much to the annoyance of my inlwas who then refused to visit for 8wks with ds3 as we said to waut a few days.. ho hum.

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