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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

689 replies

NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:13

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

OP posts:
Frostedloop · 25/10/2013 11:17

What is your objection?

Backinthering · 25/10/2013 11:21

I'd be more than pissed off too. Paying for sexual services is not on.

Original poster
NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:22

My objection is that I am not sure I'm comfortable with him paying for sexual services. He did it in full knowledge of this.

OP posts:
harticus · 25/10/2013 11:26

Ah yes the old "see what it's like" answer.
Objectification of women for the indulgence of men that is what it's like.

Why don't men stand up to other men and say "That is a shit idea for a night out why don't we do something else?"

AdmiralData · 25/10/2013 11:27

YANBU. Strip clubs are vile. Have stern words with your dp and tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. HTH.

WooWooCaChoo · 25/10/2013 11:28

Yanbu.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 25/10/2013 11:28

Yanbu.

Sallykitten · 25/10/2013 11:29

No. I would be angry too. He should just have said he was going home, I know plenty of men who do that when the strip club thing comes up.

Bunraku · 25/10/2013 11:32

I would not be happy with this either. My DH frequently has fun poked at him for not going along with his workmates' plans to visit these places. Hmm

Original poster
NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:38

I am also dubious about the fact "he didn't like it", not exactly like He's going to say "it was brilliant, I really got off on it" when he knows I'm pissed off Hmm.

What should I do now?

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 25/10/2013 11:44

I wouldn't be happy either.

DH could pay me to do a strip tease < not that I'm anything special to look at>

Jolleigh · 25/10/2013 11:45

I don't see what you can do about this other than spit your dummy out royally.

He knew you'd be fucked off. He weighed that up against how much he wanted to go. He went anyway.

Shows a complete lack of respect to me.

Maybe do something equally objectionable despite his dislike of it? But that'll just add fuel to the fire.

Did he spend much?

littlewhitebag · 25/10/2013 11:47

My DH went to a lap dancing club years ago with some mates to see what it was like. He also downloaded a porn film once to see what it was like. He was genuinely curious and has never done either again. I was a bit Hmm at the time but really it was a non issue.

I wouldn't imagine you need to 'do' anything right at this point. He was probably just swept along with others who wanted to go after having a few drinks.

whatever5 · 25/10/2013 11:52

I would be really annoyed that a "works night out" involved a strip club. What kind of place does he work at? I hope the employers had nothing to do with it.

I think that DH has been to strip clubs in the past once or twice on stag nights etc. I didn't feel annoyed with him but I thought it was quite sleazy of the best man to organise it. Nowadays DH seems really against strip clubs/lap dancing clubs/many male magazines. Having a couple of daughters has really changed his view on that kind of thing.

Cat98 · 25/10/2013 11:57

yanbu. hate the places, but that's irrelevant - YOU don't like them and asked him not to go. He went anyway. It's the lack of respect or consideration that seems to be the problem here.

Original poster
NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 12:02

He spent about 50 quid and had a private dance. I'm not bothered about the money, it is the principal.

OP posts:
AnyLemonFucker · 25/10/2013 12:06

He treated another human being like an object to be used sexually, for money.

Just out of curiosity? What a lovely rationale Hmm

This would be a deal breaker for me. It disgusts me on every level.

I think I could forgive my DH a one night stand more readily. Sex with a fully consenting person who wanted to be there is far better than paying to control someone sexually, for kicks.

Vile.

Jolleigh · 25/10/2013 12:08

Nancy - take your £50 equivalent and spend it on something you'd not normally budget for. There really isn't much that you can do unless you want to cause a huge issue.

On the strip club / porn issues...both are widely accepted in Western society. Opinions vary wildly. For me, it's a non-issue...I know that OH watches porn and I honestly don't care. But the line would be crossed if he spent some of the household budget on a lap dance if he knew I objected.

maras2 · 25/10/2013 12:10

You are definitely NBU.So disrespectful to you.

Backinthering · 25/10/2013 12:13

It's hard to say what the best course of action is, depends on your relationship. Does he listen to you, value your opinion and care about your feelings generally?
The private dance makes it worse.

fluffyraggies · 25/10/2013 12:14

Private dance would be the deal breaker for me. Sorry.

How long have you been together OP? Kids?

I might forgive DH for going into a strip club on a stag do if he was the only one not keen. I'd be very sad and disappointed with him - but i'd probably forgive him. He knows how i feel about it. He went to a couple in the past (before we got together) and says he genuinely found them a waste of money, and wouldn't want to bother going to another.

A private dance however? Nope. Back to your mum's sunshine.

smudgedgraffiti · 25/10/2013 12:16

YANBU at all, I would be fuming too. Have no idea what I would do if my DH did this but it would involve a lot of shouting and tears.

Can I suggest if you want some good advice and support you ask for this to be moved to Relationships rather than bunfight central AIBU?

Grennie · 25/10/2013 12:19

I would be beyond furious. He knew your views on this and totally disrespected them anyway. Of course he is not going to say he enjoyed it. And if he paid for a private dance, he was hardly disgusted by being there.

Exploiting women in this way is not okay - so he could see what it is like. There are lots of things we know that are wrong, and we do not try them out to see what they are like.

He didn't care what your view was, and he didn't care about the women being exploited.

What you do about it is up to you. But at the very least you should be reading him the riot act.

mummybare · 25/10/2013 12:19

Completely agree with fluffyraggies. I know DH has been to them on stag dos in the past (since we've been together/married). But a private dance would be a step too far for me.

marmaladeandguitars · 25/10/2013 12:23

YANBU- especially if he had a private dance, and knew your feelings in advance, ugh.