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AIBU?

To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

689 replies

NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:13

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

OP posts:

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 16:57

ilovebaby - So you don't mind if your partner has sex with another woman? After all you wouldn't want to be controlling of him.

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jellybeans · 25/10/2013 16:58

YANBU. Unfortunately it was been somewhat normalized by society and lads mags. I felt sick when my elderly FIL said casually he was going to a strip club for a stag weekend. He said it so matter of fact and like it was a normal thing to do but I just smiled while inside thinking he was a dirty perv!! Ugh! We need to rid of this shit part of society asap. It's very damaging to women and girls.

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creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 16:58

ilovebabytv If my partner wanted to drown a kitten, would it be controlling for me to threaten to leave him if did it? I'm forcing my moral beliefs (i.e don't kill) on him. Other people feel as strongly about stripping and that it is misogynistic exploitation. Are they control freaks?

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AnyFuckerReporting · 25/10/2013 16:59

But this isn't clothes or places, this is sex. There are times I would have no issue with having wild sex with a particular man from my gym. I don't though because I'm in a loving, monogamous relationship with my husband who would not like that, the controlling bastard.

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:01

I dont consider a lap dance to be akin to having sex with another person nor does watching a well paid guy strip off his clothes. I guess thats where our moral compasses differ. In most relationships i think monogamy is expected.

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:02

A legitimate lapdance to me is no different from watching an xrated scene on tv.

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AnyFuckerReporting · 25/10/2013 17:03

I find having sex simulated by a naked woman who is actively trying to arouse whilst having an erection kind of sexual. Or is that just me?

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ithaka · 25/10/2013 17:03

For me, this would count as infidelity and I would treat it as such.

DH & I made vows to each other - to be loving, faithful and loyal. He would have broken his vows.

I know DH is on the same page as me, as a friend's DH was caught out sexting. DH said, and I agreed, that for him that would constitute infidelity.

This is not about wearing a shirt in a colour I don't like, this is sexual betrayal.

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:06

it may be sexual but not akin to cheating. If i was watching a film with a rather hot actor in it who was partially naked and was aroused by this, I wouldn't consider it cheating on my partner!

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AnyFuckerReporting · 25/10/2013 17:08

Neither would I.

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:09

creepy, last time i checked drowning kittens was illegal, going to strip club not. Illegal activities then yes, i would ask him to refrain from for his own benefit.

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Sallystyle · 25/10/2013 17:10

Jesus.

Some of the replies here, especially Ilovebabytv makes me want to weep.

You don't see the difference between this and trying to control what someone wears?

A lap dance is infidelity. If my husband walked into a bar and some strange woman jumped on his lap and took her top off and he was happy for her to do that no doubt everyone would call him a cheat and tell me to ltb. Why is it different just because he paid for it? He had a half naked woman on his lap, cheating, pure and simple. Unless you have an open relationship or an agreement that this is fine, which OP clearly doesn't have.

Anyone who wants to pay for sexual gratification is disgusting, anyone who does it while in a relationship is disgusting and a cheater (excluding those who have open relationships, prior agreements etc)

I don't settle for that crap, I won't be a 'cool wife' and say it's A OK for my husband to PAY for sex, to completely disrespect females and our marriage vows.

I don't force my moral beliefs on anyone, I just won't marry someone or spend time with anyone who doesn't have the same basic ones as me.

This man has disrespected his wives feelings, had a half naked woman on his lap and PAID for the 'privilege' He is not a man I could spend the rest of my life with.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 17:10

ilove - You really wouldn't have an issue with a totally naked women writhing around inches from your DP?

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:10

Well i dont see any difference from getting aroused from viewing a paid actor on the telly to a paid actor on stage to a paid actor in close proximity.

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ithaka · 25/10/2013 17:11

I don't consider watching a film with a hot actor comparable to going to a strip club & paying for a private dance.

Why are you seeking to minimise by such a comparison?

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:11

no, i wouldn't as long as it was a legitimate lapdance, i.e. no touching.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 17:12

Would you be happy for that to happen in a friends house? If a woman your DP knew offered to dance naked inches from your DP's face?

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:13

it would be rather hypocritical of me considering ive been to a few functions where there has been a male stripper.

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Justforlaughs · 25/10/2013 17:13

I don't have a problem with a man (or woman for that matter) going to a club where other people are working and getting their kit off. It wouldn't bother me if my DH went along with his work colleagues. t would however bother me big time if I thought that MY opinion was of such little worth to him that he would just ignore it (on any issue). And I have to say that I would be quite uncomfortable about the private dance as well.

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Sallystyle · 25/10/2013 17:13

You don't see the difference between a movie with a sex scene and paying for someone to sit on your lap half naked sexily dancing with the sole purpose of turning you on?

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creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 17:14

Out of interest ilovebabytv, have you had a convo with your OH regarding where you stand (on both sides of the coin) regarding expectations with this sort of thing? And if so, what have you agreed? If he doesn't go to strip clubs, is he still ok with you getting in a male stripper for a hen night etc? Or have you not discussed it/ it hasn't cropped up.

I am genuinely interested because you mentioned a hypothetical situation earlier, as in what you would do if he gave you an ultimatum, but in RL have you had a mature discussion?

I'm not judging, btw. I said upthread that it is up to the couple what dynamic works best for them. Some couples are happy to let their OH go to the club, some aren't. But it isn't healthy to not be on the same page. I like to view my relationship as a team, as opposed to 'me against him.' No ultimatums or double-crossing.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 17:15

ilove - What I am trying to understand is whether the fact your DP is paying for it, makes a difference to you? If it was a friend of your DP's who was not being paid, would you be happy for his friend to writhe around naked in his lap or inches away?

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Sallystyle · 25/10/2013 17:16

Would you be happy for that to happen in a friends house? If a woman your DP knew offered to dance naked inches from your DP's face?

I second this question.

Paying someone doesn't make it better. It makes it worse.

If this happened in a normal pub with someone who wasn't a stripper would it still be ok?

ilovetv when does someone dancing naked around your husband become cheating?

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ilovebabytv · 25/10/2013 17:21

A lapdance from a female friend is not a lapdance from a woman in an stripclub. I would accept the latter because its a fantasy and it will be no more. Lapdancers are not interested in the men that come to strip clubs, only what money they can make them part with(and imo, good for them, hope they take any man that comes to them to dance for every penny that he has) . Its a job to them. The former, well clearly not so much.

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changewithweather · 25/10/2013 17:21

Believe me, if your partner - the father of your children, a man who you previously trusted would never cheat on you and who you adored the very bones of and who you had enjoyed a really close, exciting, fulfilling and trusting sexual relationship with - one day did this to you with no obvious warning or reason, you would not be so 'cool' about it and liken it to watching a sex scene on telly. I didn't particularly have any strong feelings about lapdancing before my husband did what he did. It has pretty much devastated my marriage I'd say. I'm no prude but call me crazy, I don't think I'm ever going to forgive my husband for having 3 different women (at different times) writhing all over him fully naked, doing their best to look horny and show him everything they have - in extremely close proximity - to turn him on. And him going through a monetary transaction to get that. And him choosing which of the women in the club he wanted to see strip fully for him in a private booth. Every time I permit myself to think about it, which is most days even after 6 months, I feel physically sick. I am trying to pretend it didn't happen for the sake of my health in pregnancy.

All I want to do when I think about it is to drown myself in a bucket of wine but I obviously can't do that now.

I wish I was far more blase about it. I wish I could just dismiss it as a bit of harmless fun but I'm afraid I can't. He cheated on me. That's about the long and short of it.