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AIBU?

To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

689 replies

NancyShrew · 25/10/2013 11:13

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

OP posts:
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Sallystyle · 25/10/2013 14:02

And swept along?

I expect my husband to act like an adult and put our marriage first. Swept along? He isn't some kid with no impulse control with the inability to say no.

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PreciousPuddleduck · 25/10/2013 14:04

It wouldn't bother me but I suppose if you had expressed your opinion then he should not have gone

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WooWooCaChoo · 25/10/2013 14:07

What can you do about it?

You could hire yourself a male stripper to come round at a time you know your DP will be in. After all, you're only curious as to what it's like.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 14:07

Agreed scatterbrain. And it is a myth that in most lapdancing clubs the men don't touch the women, especially in private dances.

Yes they are the legal rules, but they are often not followed, unless girlfriends and wives are around.

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WooWooOwl · 25/10/2013 14:08

Why shouldn't have have gone just because OP expressed her opinion.

Why is an opinion on strip clubs ok to control a partner with but an opinion on friends or family or workplace would lead to accusations of controlling emotional abuse?

I agree that a private lap dance is a step too far, but one person cannot have the right to dictate where another goes on a harmless night out.

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Sallystyle · 25/10/2013 14:10

The dangers of getting really angry about it is that it turns it into a 'forbidden' thing for him to do which only makes it more appealing.

WTAF?

Are we talking about a grown man here or a child? Forbidden, makes it more appealing? I just can't put it into words how stupid that sounds. I can't imagine my husband finding something more appealing because I forbid it, my teenage son? yes, a grown man?

Jesus Wept.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 14:12

WooWoo - This is not just a night out. It is an issue many women have strong views on. Just as some people would be extremely unhappy if their partner went for a night out and was taking illegal drugs.

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Sallystyle · 25/10/2013 14:12

I can dictate that WooWoo and would.

I have a few things that I dictate

Do not cheat on me
Do not go to strip clubs
Do not abuse me

If he breaks them we are over.

He can choose not to listen to me, but I will dictate that going to a strip club will be the end of our marriage.

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TheSeaPriestess · 25/10/2013 14:14

Did you actually read that link Jolleigh? To dismiss that as 'just one person's experience' is unbelievable. Do you honestly think that the sex industry is full of happy empowered women? Really? Shock

OP, if my DH had done that it would destroy my trust in him forever. If a man is happy to treat a woman like meat or a commodity to purchase, his values would be incompatible with mine. I would not accept that behaviour or underlying belief system and our marriage would be over.

Cool wife? Er, fuck off.

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ZZZenagain · 25/10/2013 14:14

"He treated another human being like an object to be used sexually, for money.

Just out of curiosity? What a lovely rationale hmm

This would be a deal breaker for me. It disgusts me on every level."

I agree with this. I wouldn't have time anyone who did this. You have to know if you can put it behind you and continue with him or not.

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HotCrossPun · 25/10/2013 14:18

He doesn't respect you OP. There is no justification whatsoever for him doing this against your wishes. I know that some woman claim to be okay with strip clubs, but you don't, and he should have listened to you.

For me it would be a dealbreaker. If he was a decent man he wouldn't have done this. Decent men don't go and get sexual gratification from other women.

I'd be more than pissed off tbh.

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ChilledGhost · 25/10/2013 14:19

The strip club in my town has girls from nearby rough cities bussed in Sad and the girls in there don't seem empowered to me.

I've never known anyone touch or have extras in a club in this country by the way I think that hopefully is a myth nowadays.

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creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 14:24

ChilledGhost before we met, a lapdancer let my OH suck on her nipple. So it does go on

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WooWooOwl · 25/10/2013 14:24

Sam, course you can choose your reaction to what someone else does, and you can tell them what your likely reaction to them doing that thing is going to be. But I'm not sure that's the same as trying to dictate what someone else does because you are expressing things that are deal breakers for you.

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DoctorRobert · 25/10/2013 14:29

DH knows my feelings about strip clubs. If he went to one anyway and had a private dance, that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me I'm afraid. It would show a complete lack of respect for my feelings, and a complete lack of respect for women in general. I know this might sound dramatic but I really do think our marriage would be over.

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ChilledGhost · 25/10/2013 14:33

I can see the private dance being a dealbreaker totally. They strips naked and is all over you. That's a big leap from going in with your mate's on a birthday/stag do which is normally what happens and we buy the stag/birthday person a dance if they want.

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Ev1lEdna · 25/10/2013 14:34

He had a private dance?

Well that's not just part of a work's night out it it? I wouldn't be happy with a private dance or indeed going to the club in the first place. I appreciate that some people don't have an issue with it but that really only concerns their own relationships. I have extremely strong opinions about this and they are not uneducated opinions. Most importantly my partner knew I had these opinions from the beginning.

If you are not comfortable about this within your own relationship then this is something you and he need to discuss and no-one else should tell you how you should feel. You are certainly NOT being unreasonable.

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Jolleigh · 25/10/2013 14:35

SeaPriestess - I did read the link. But I'm still not one to make judgements about a whole industry on one woman's experience. Even 'Lucy' said there were women doing it out of choice! I know plenty of women who do it and are not being exploited. I even know 2 who work a couple of evenings a week on top of their full time jobs despite not needing the money. Those 2 genuinly enjoy the attention the job brings. I'm not denying there are some who aren't in the same circumstances. But I'm also not going to go to the opposite extreme of saying NOBODY in that line of work chose to be there or enjoys it.

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creepypenisreaper · 25/10/2013 14:35

WooWooOwl where would you draw the line then? When does it stop constituting as 'dictating?' I do think there is a slight difference between trying to stop someone from seeing their friends and family and trying to stop them from going to a strip club by threatening with a deal-breaker. A deal-breaker is, after all a way of saying 'If you do x to me y will happen as it makes me feel like z.' If your partner would forfeit your feelings just to go to a strip club, then he is a dickhead. If you tried to stop him from seeing his family and he went against you, then that is at least justifiable

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hermioneweasley · 25/10/2013 14:43

How is paying women for sexual services "a harmless night out"?!

OP, for me going to one would be bad enough but paying for a private dance would be a deal breaker - infidelity AND objectification of women/prostitution thrown in. Revolting and as another poster said, woukd tell me our values are incompatible.

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Ev1lEdna · 25/10/2013 14:44

WooWooOwl (great name) you can certainly express an opinion about where your partner goes. They can even ignore your opinion and go there in that respect you cannot dictate where they go, BUT you can consider it a flagrant dismissal of your beliefs and deem it a sufficient lack of respect and act upon that because it is YOUR right to. If I told my OH I didn't tolerate that and he did it, obviously he would expect serious repercussions one of which would be a rethink of our entire relationship.

If you have strong enough objections then clearly it isn't a 'harmless' night out.

and (not directed at WooWooOwl) I always laugh about the 'no touching' thing. The reason I said above my opinion is an educated one is because I conducted a series of interviews with sex workers while researching and frankly, in many clubs the 'no touch' rule is a bit of a misconception.

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WooWooOwl · 25/10/2013 14:45

I'd draw the line when someone really is prepared to leave a relationship, instead of just saying it in the hope that it will make their partner do what they want as a threat.

I don't really see the difference between a person going against their partners wishes to see family and a person going against their partners wishes just to visit a strip club. Whether either is acceptable is a matter of opinion, nothing else.

I could tell my DH that I'd divorce him if he ever wore a red shirt if I wanted to, and if he wore a red shirt then it would be up to me to leave him as a result of my own choice. If however he wore a red shirt and I begged him never to do it again while going on about why red shirts were bad and why he was a bad person for wanting to wear one, then I'd be trying to control him.

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WooWooOwl · 25/10/2013 14:47

When I said harmless night out, I meant just going into a strip club was harmless. I do think that paying for a private dance crosses a line for most people. But just going into a strip club is harmless.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 15:08

Everyone I have ever spoken to who works in lap dancing clubs, says that the no touching rule is frequently broken. Some women do enforce it. But in virtually all lap dancing clubs men will be able to touch some of the women, whatever the rules. And private dances are infamous for being far far more likely to have touching going on.

As DP and I always say to each other, you can do what you want, you are an adult. But if it is one of the things I have made clear that I am unhappy with e.g. cheating, porn, etc, then there will be consequences.

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Grennie · 25/10/2013 15:08

Strip clubs are very far from harmless.

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