To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

[NancyShrew]

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

[whatever5]

Visiting a strip club because everyone else is going is not something I would get too bothered about. I would be extremely annoyed about the fact that he paid £50 for a private dance though. DH was quite disgusted when a couple of his friends did that at a stag do a few years ago. He thought it was all really sleazy and went home.

The fact that your DH told you about it does suggest that he knows it was wrong and he feesl bad about it though, I suppose.

[Lovecat]

Yanbu.

And the Chippendales are sooooooooo different to a private lapdance that it's not even worth engaging with people who are seeking to make them equivalent .

Gosh, there are a lot of cool women on this thread... I know I couldn't be with a man who objectified another human being as 'just boobs' and then came back to me like I was somehow above all that. That's fucked up.

[Jolleigh]

Grennie - a large portion of women in these clubs choose to be there. Please don't be mistaken...many even enjoy it. This is coming from someone who's known many dancers. But that isn't what's being duscussed here!

[Grennie]

Yes Lovecat. Anyone who views a woman as just boobs and bums is pretty disgusting and carries that viewpoint over to other areas of his life.

[Grennie]

Jolleigh - I know lots of women who used to work in places like these too. They rarely tell you the truth while they are working there. The truth comes out afterwards.

[Jolleigh]

Just because a man doesn't go to a strip club in order to get to know a woman doesn't mean he sees the woman solely as boobs and bums. It means that he's purchasing the service being offered in that particular establishment.

Dancers don't want the man to get to know them. It's a straight up business deal.

Yes, some women feel like they have no choice but to work at these establishments but the vast majority are there because they've made an informed choice. So stop demonising the whole industry and instead discuss the actual issue.

[creepypenisreaper]

I used Chippendales as an example because I'm sure your man doesn't want you ogling other men. Sorry the context is not the EXACT same ffs!

It's funny that, how its not the same when women pay to watch men strip. Sorry to tell you ladies that you don't need to pay for a private dance at a strip club to see naked women.

[Grennie]

A lapdancer talking about her job.

www.object.org.uk/files/Testimony%20_%20Lucy.pdf

[Sparrowlegs248]

I wouldn't be happy that he had gone even after saying i was unhappy about it. I would be bloody livid if he paid for a private dance. I think i'd chuck him out actually. And not because of the money.

I'm so not a cool wife.

[hetty1980]

He sounds a bit immature I would say don't worry too much as it was his first, and hopefully only, time.

The dangers of getting really angry about it is that it turns it into a 'forbidden' thing for him to do which only makes it more appealing. Best thing to do is to shrug your shoulders and make a statement about how sad his mates are for going to those places and did he know that all the strippers all laugh at them behind their backs as they take their money. The reason they do this is because they know it annoys the 'Mrs' and they're being really naughty, like schoolboys. If he sees it's not bothering you it takes away the fun.

The private dance thing again, I wouldn't worry too much - just laugh at him being a loser for wasting that much money and say what he could have bought with it (game, dvd, football tickets - whatever he's into) instead of shoving it in some poor girls dirty pants.

[Jolleigh]

Grennie - one dancer is hardly representative of the full industry.

And it's still not the issue being discussed.

[Lovecat]

Can you hear yourself, Jolleigh? Purchase services? How impersonal. How absolutely sad and appalling that a man can do that and not be considered an utter loser with serious respect problems.

It goes to show what a fucked up world we live in.

Having seen the Dreamboys on my hen night many years ago (I'm not proud of this) I can tell you that the atmosphere is entirely different. There's a lot more humour (and a certain amount of ewww-ing - these men are not attractive, imho) for one thing. Also, men are in a position of power in everyday society. When they take their clothes off, it's unusual and because of this it's generally held to be quite funny - look at The Full Monty or Magic Mike.

When women do it, it is not empowering. It is not funny. It is all about the sexual gratification of the onlooker and further embeds the idea that we exist to service men's sexual needs. Those who say that their man doesn't think of them in that way should be worried that their man has a serious case of the madonna/whore complex.

[niceguy2]

And the Chippendales are sooooooooo different to a private lapdance that it's not even worth engaging with people who are seeking to make them equivalent

Go on...i'll bite. What's the difference?

[Jolleigh]

Lovecat - can you hear yourself? Men are not solely responsible for the adult industry! Women are deeply involved at all levels.

And yes, I am being impersonal -I'm not personally involved in the OPs situation!

And we won't resolve problems in the adult industry (which affect men AND women) by discussing them in relation to one bloke who purchased a private dance against his wife's wishes.

[Lovecat]

See my last post for the differences.

[creepypenisreaper]

Like someone mentioned upthread Lovecat, its not just about the exploitation of the performer, its also about feeling inadequate about your OH paying to watch someone take their clothes off. I could easily tell my OH that I was going to see the Dreamboys for a laugh. He wouldn't believe me, or feel comfortable because he doesn't understand the 'novelty' of it. Whether or not he is right about that doesn't matter. If he feels uncomfortable with me looking at naked men, then I'm going to respect his feelings. I'm not going to argue with him about how much more acceptable it is because it is a stage show.

[Lovecat]

I'm sorry? So if men didn't want to see naked women for their sexual pleasure, the women would still be out there doing it?

Men supply the demand. Sadly, there are women out there who for whatever reason choose or feel they have no alternative but to supply it.

I agree this has gotten away from the point of the OP, but to be fair the thread was already derailed by other women saying that they didn't care about it so why should the OP?

Anyway, I have stuff to do, so once again, OP, you're not being unreasonable. He knew you didn't like it and yet he not only went he actually went and paid for a private dance. I'd be packing his bags.

[MikeWazowski]

It was a deal breaker for me, ex dp went, I disapproved and told him so, he went again, maybe a year later, we're now no longer together, if he couldn't respect my wishes (and I didn't ask much of him) then I couldn't trust him to not go behind my back with other things, there was no other way forward. End of.

[Lovecat]

Sorry cpr, that wasn't to you but to Jolleigh.

I agree, if DH didn't like me seeing the Dreamboys/whoever then I would respect that. I saw them once, when I was in my early 20's, and would never repeat the experience, it was grim.

Unfortunately the OP's DH didn't respect her feelings.

[Sallystyle]

Deal breaker for me, which was quite clearly spelled out when we got together.

Thankfully, you couldn't pay my husband to go to one. He is more against it than me.

A private dance? cheating IMO.

If my husband went to a nightclub and some woman sat on top of him grinding we would all agree he cheated, right? It makes NO difference just because he paid for it, makes it worse if anything.

I would not be with someone who thought so little of women.

[ChilledGhost]

If he wasn't comfortable he wouldn't have had a private dance. I've been several times to strip clubs with friends and the uncomfortable ones tend to stay at the bar all night.

[creepypenisreaper]

Its a two way street that works for us- no strip clubs for him, no strippers on my hen night/ dreamboys/chippendales etc for me. I'll sleep at night.

Every couple is different though, and if some women are comfortable with their man going to a strip club with his friends, then that is up to her. If she doesn't and he goes anyway, like any other form of breach of trust in a relationship it needs to be sorted out. It's about personal boundaries and respect.

[creepypenisreaper]

Lovecat x-post with you there, agreed, it is about respect

[WooWooOwl]

I'd be annoyed if my DH purchased a private lap dance. Not because of the fact that he bought it but because I think it would say something about his feelings towards me if he wanted to get get off at another woman.

But just going along to a strip club is a non issue for me. I've been to plenty, often just because they are open later than everywhere else and we haven't been ready to go home when other places close!

I don't think my DH would have the right to tell me not to go somewhere just because he didn't like the idea of it and then expect me to follow his command without question. So I also don't think the DP should have been expected not to go to a strip club just because OP didn't like the idea of it. She doesn't get to control him just because her choice is to dislike something.

I also agree that plenty of women are perfectly happy to be working in strip clubs, and they are not being exploited or disempowered. Some might be, but that doesn't mean that all are.

[MissScatterbrain]

So he disliked like it so much that he spent family money on a private dance

He paid to have sexual kicks outside of the marriage and he is the kind of man who thinks women are there to provide a sexual service and that buying women's bodies is ok. Does he have daughters?

The objectification from some posters on here is disgusting - these are real women with feelings and thoughts and many of these sex workers come from vulnerable backgrounds (or worse, trafficked)

I would get him tested for STIs.