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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not UR to ask what ethnicity someone is?

206 replies

FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 20:33

To me, it's not rude, I lived abroad for 10 years and was often asked where I came from, it was just asked out of genuine interest.

DD is mixed race, my other DC aren't and I'm often asked in a round about way, " Oh wow, they look so different..." then I have to explain. I don't really mind. Yesterday someone said they had been dying to ask me what ethnicity DD was but thought they may sound rude, I've heard similar things said, but to me it's not rude at all to ask, aibu?

OP posts:
mummydarkling · 12/10/2013 21:12

YANBU as long as they ask nicely ....

rattlemehearties · 12/10/2013 21:27

YABU - I'm not white (one of my parents is) and it's not obvious what ethnicity I am, but it's also nobody's business and I would be pissed off if you asked in nearly every context I can think of. Your DC are likely to get tired of being asked as they get older, if they are anything like me.

zatyaballerina · 12/10/2013 21:27

Some people would be offended because they may not want to have to explain their personal situations. A pair of sisters that dd plays with in the park look like they are from Vietnam or somewhere like that and their parents are Irish so I assume they're adopted, not a chance in hell I'd mention it, it's none of my business and I'd hate to make someone feel uncomfortable or invaded.

I wouldn't ask about the background of a white person like myself and can't think of any reason to treat someone who isn't any differently.

rattlemehearties · 12/10/2013 21:29

You were living abroad and didn't mind being asked where you came from. Now imagine your mixed race children being asked that all the time despite being born and raised in the country they are living in. You aren't comparing like with like.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 21:32

I don't see it as a negative thing, I want DD to be proud of her ethnicity and I think it's normal for people to be interested as they get to know her.

OP posts:
Awomansworth · 12/10/2013 21:35

Well it depends on the way you ask...

My dc are mixed race and a couple of years ago, an old fart of a GP at our surgery asked if dc were from foreign stock!

MummyofIsla · 12/10/2013 21:37

It isn't rude in the slightest. My DD is half white and half indian and I love explaining her heritage to people! Sometimes I can tell people are dying to ask so I tell them to break the ice.

rattlemehearties · 12/10/2013 21:38

Hmm My parents don't see it as a bad thing either. But your children will have to occasionally deal with ignorant comments and will likely not appreciate being asked "where are you REALLY from?" when they're really from up the street!

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 21:44

I think it's human nature to be curious about race, accents, cultural differences and I don't see this as a bad thing. I have an accent that's hard to place and have been hesitantly asked where it's from, it makes me chuckle that people are so nervous to ask.

OP posts:
LadyRochford · 12/10/2013 21:51

I don't mind if people ask. Like mummyofIsla i am proud of DSs mixed heretige and hope he will be too, i think its great that people are interested. I would be interested in their background too.

I do find it very difficult when people say DS has a "nice tan" or whatever...when I have said yes he is half Indian people have often been horribly embarrassed and clearly feel they have made a massive faux pas. Do I just nod and smile??

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 21:56

LadyRochford - Ha! Someone once said DD had a lovely tan & then looked embarrassed when I've told them she's half Asian, I just laugh and say how lucky she is as I always just burn.

OP posts:
BrokenSunglasses · 12/10/2013 22:00

YANBU. I have heritage that is uncommon around here, and I don't look English. It's never occurred to me to be offended when I've been asked where my parents were from, it just comes across to me as someone being interested, and that's never been a negative thing in my experience.

MummyofIsla · 12/10/2013 22:01

Haha LadyRochford, I get exactly the same. I just joke that that's with factor 50! Or agree that her colouring is beautiful. Generally I don't think people mean any harm.

Doubtfuldaphne · 12/10/2013 22:02

I think it's ok to ask as long as they don't say 'where are you from' as that is a bit rude!
My dd is half Asian but no one has ever asked. I'm a bit sad really as I love to talk about people's heritage I find it interesting!

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/10/2013 22:02

I think it is great to be interested

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 22:04

My Grandma once said when DD was 3 that she was looking 'less foreign' as if that was a good thing.. I was quite upset by that. You can tell when people mean well, but say something clumsily vs when they are being rude.

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 12/10/2013 22:07

Interested is ok, I think. I love learning about people's heritage & backgrounds. On the train home yesterday, I got chatting to a lady who turned out to be from the Cayman Islands!

I do think "where are you from?" can come across as rude though. That said, "what is your heritage?" can sound a bit nobby and deliberately PC! I haven't found the solution yet, so I just wait for it to crop up in conversation.

eggyweggies · 12/10/2013 22:07

I think it's rude if it's done in a rude way

People generally volunteer this info as you're getting to know them. I've never had to ask outright.

Asking a complete or near-stranger is rude, yes.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 12/10/2013 22:08

Forgot to mention that I'm quite often asked where we're from as our surname is Italian. Sadly we're about as British as it gets and the surname is just because DH's grandfather was Italian!

ChanelTunel · 12/10/2013 22:10

I have a foreign surname that people always ask about. Should I be offended? It's going to reach the point where no-one's allowed to show any interest in anyone's differences,which I think is a shame.

steppemum · 12/10/2013 22:16

my surname is dutch and I often get asked, usually in a nice way. I don't mind.

Had a funny conversation with a mixed race friend the other day about just this.

She is often asked where are you from? she says I'm from EnglishTown.
No, but where are you from REALLY?
Well, REALLY I am from EnglishTown

....OH...do you mean why is my skin brown.....

So yes I think it is a bit rude actually

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/10/2013 22:26

I see nothing wrong in asking about someone's heritage.

southeastdweller · 12/10/2013 22:31

I get it a lots from people who I've just met. I bristle but always cave in because I think it's rude, though not as you get to know someone. It's a cultural thing, I've noticed - it's always foreign people who ask and never, ever other Brits, though I bet they wonder.

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/10/2013 22:33

So southeast. Where are you from? Wink

steppemum · 12/10/2013 22:34

there is a (white) family at our school who have one white child and one mixed race child.
They openly tell everyone that the IVF clinic made a mix up Shock

But suppose they preferred not to tell the world and its neighbour, how awful would it be everytime anyone asked.

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