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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's not UR to ask what ethnicity someone is?

206 replies

FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 20:33

To me, it's not rude, I lived abroad for 10 years and was often asked where I came from, it was just asked out of genuine interest.

DD is mixed race, my other DC aren't and I'm often asked in a round about way, " Oh wow, they look so different..." then I have to explain. I don't really mind. Yesterday someone said they had been dying to ask me what ethnicity DD was but thought they may sound rude, I've heard similar things said, but to me it's not rude at all to ask, aibu?

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 13/10/2013 10:22

FlobberWobber I am with you on this. I don't see what the big problem is. People are curious.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/10/2013 10:22

Yes I think it is something about our culture

I have lived abroad too and have family abroad. I have often been very [shocked] about what people ask even what I earn this would never be asked here even by close friends

Sometimes it is refreshing the upfrontness

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 10:23

GoshAnneGorilla - Someone can be from England but have another ethnic heritage, nothing obtuse about that.
DD was born in our local hospital, has a British passport, speaks English. She is English and 'from' England. Ethnically she is mixed heritage.

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 13/10/2013 10:23

Come on, chibi, I'm interested in the answer to this.

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/10/2013 10:25

Praps was than asking, is randomly guessing: please don't!

FreudiansSlipper · 13/10/2013 10:28

Thepod I am surprised your friend is annoyed unless she is picking up on someone's hostility which sadly she might be. People are surprised my dad is from Sri Lanka as he is fair skinned not many people know of the different ethnic groups in Sri Lanka

My family think nothing of asking the most personal questions while at the same time be obsessive about family secrets Hmm

HeGrewWhiskersOnHisChin · 13/10/2013 10:29

I find it is usually people who look similar to me who ask where I am REALLY from.

Sometimes white people have asked but in a more round about way, which I find even worse.

My problem is that I don't have an exotic background (unless I'm the milk mans child - oh I've been asked this too), but people won't accept it. They think I'm being deliberately awkward saying that I'm from England, when actually it's just the truth.

I think it is natural curiosity. People aren't being rude they are interested in you. I've been asked if I'm sure I look like my dad because I must be definitely foreign. But I do look dark, and so I admire the person for caring so much to ask. I do also feel deeply embarrassed for the people who are positive that I share their ethnicity/ heritage... It makes me feel rude when I have to say no.

Race/heritage/ ethnicity should not be a taboo subject. It shouldn't be rude to talk about it.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 10:31

I imagine if you are constantly made to feel 'other' and feel you have to explain yourself this could get really upsetting and annoying if it's something you struggle with anyway.
I suppose it completely depends on the situation, individual being asked, the 'askee', what mood the person being asked is in, how there are asked, the list could go on forever.

OP posts:
iwantanafternoonnap · 13/10/2013 10:36

GoshAnneGorilla did your really mean to be so rude?? I think that my culture is very boring compared a lot of other ethnic traditions. But obviously only your point is valid and how dare I have an opinion on where I come from.

I do think it is sad that we can not ask people about themselves for fear of offending. Natural curiosity is how we get to learn about differences and understand people.

Preciousbane · 13/10/2013 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chibi · 13/10/2013 10:41

yes, lef us all be curious. i have no hangups about sex, so could you tell me, when you wank, do you use your hands, or do you prefer to use some kind of toy? this helps me get to know you better.

chibi · 13/10/2013 10:42

if you can specify the type of toy it helps me understand you better- i am so curious about me fellow people! i mean well, so don't be offended, and if you don't answer, i will be sad Sad

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 10:43

chibi - That's one of the strangest posts I have ever read...!

OP posts:
chibi · 13/10/2013 10:45

but why? i think it is sad when we can't ask people questions. why wouldn't you want to discuss it with me?

it is true that it is a bit invasive, and of no material benefit to my life whatsoever, buf i am just so curious! when people ask me, i don't mind a bit. it is kind of sad that you want people to be ashamed and not talk about it.

also, are you gay?

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 10:47

chibi - No I'm straight, are you?

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 13/10/2013 10:48

chibi, here's the question for you again, in case you missed it:

To what form of privilege should I attribute the numerous questions about my origin that I have fielded (mainly from recent Eastern European immigrants) in the last ten years? I'm white and British.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 10:52

So clearly for you discussing race is akin to discussing masturbation, i.e. so incredibly personal as to be taboo. Yes I find this sad.

As for asking whether I'm gay or straight, I have been asked (fairly often when I had short hair actually) I didn't mind. I don't see being gay/straight/bisexual as something to feel embarrassed about. On the other hand I would feel embarrassed to discuss masturbation.

OP posts:
iwantanafternoonnap · 13/10/2013 10:56

There is a world of difference between masturbation and ethnicity.

chibi · 13/10/2013 10:56

see, i don't have any hangups about talking about masturbation, it is a totally normal human activith. i am going to assume everyone thinks like me, ride over your boundaries on this topic, and insist on asking anyway. then i will patronise you by saying you are being silly, that it is no big deal, that you clearly have a problem etc etc.

chibi · 13/10/2013 10:58

and if you seem uncomfortable, i will press on, and then remark to everyone how unfortunate it is that we can't ask innocent questions without some people getting all offended.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 11:00

chibi - Ok, you carry on and talk about masturbation while we discuss ethnicity. May I politely suggest to try a different kind of forum for masturbatory topics? I'm not sure you'll find many willing to discuss it with you on mumsnet, but I could be wrong.

OP posts:
iwantanafternoonnap · 13/10/2013 11:00

So what your saying chibi is no-one should ask questions about race, ethnicity or culture at all ever! So when my child asks why people celebrate in different ways I should just say 'shhh don't ask, you don't need to know as you may offend someone, no, no don't ask what ethnicty the are as it's best to remain ignorant of all those that aren't white the same as you. You can only ask questions of white, english people as to want to know about others is rude and racist'

That is what is sad and yes that does make me sad as I am human with a natural curiosity about others and the many different cultures.

southeastdweller · 13/10/2013 11:01

Iwant What most of us are saying is that being asked the question immediately is what's offensive.

iwantanafternoonnap · 13/10/2013 11:03

Oh and no-one is saying they will force people to talk about their ethnicity if they don't want to. Most people are pretty good at realising why someone doesn't want to talk about something and will change the conversation. I have been asked about my background and I didn't find offensive when people asked and I have never felt forced to talk about it.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/10/2013 11:07

I was always asked as a child it did not bother me what bothered me was my dad was not around which I do not expect people realise this when asking

Also will pick up on the I tension of people asking, they will pick up on negative vibes of another bloody foreigner and her family here

But I think mostly people are curious, it is very much part of our culture to keep private and not ask personal questions and when it is done it often comes across as intrusive

Being asked when abroad of course is different but when you live in a multi cultural country like ours when do you know or not know to ask and often the question is what is your ethnic background just said differently, as where are you or your family from