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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not UR to ask what ethnicity someone is?

206 replies

FlobberWobber · 12/10/2013 20:33

To me, it's not rude, I lived abroad for 10 years and was often asked where I came from, it was just asked out of genuine interest.

DD is mixed race, my other DC aren't and I'm often asked in a round about way, " Oh wow, they look so different..." then I have to explain. I don't really mind. Yesterday someone said they had been dying to ask me what ethnicity DD was but thought they may sound rude, I've heard similar things said, but to me it's not rude at all to ask, aibu?

OP posts:
southeastdweller · 13/10/2013 08:24

Thanks canuck - useful to know for when I have kids, if I do!

Mumsyblouse · 13/10/2013 08:28

My DH is Russian, and the first question people ask when they hear his accent is "Where are you from?" He hates that question. He doesn't find it rude, he just finds it annoying. Half the time he fabricates a completely false answer.

I find this a bit odd, my husband is from Eastern Europe and also gets asked a lot, and we have made loads of friends/discovered connections/chatted about other people's cultures by chatting openly about where he comes from (and the heritage of the children). I don't find it that odd a question and I wonder if he's being over-sensitive, when I travel, I am always the 'English lady'- so what?

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 13/10/2013 08:45

I agree with Canuck, MyBaby and purple There is an expectation that those from non white cultures explain themselves. When this is experience several times a day, it grates.

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 13/10/2013 08:45

experienced

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 13/10/2013 08:49

And believe me it is several times a day most days, (I am not exaggerating,) along with people wanting to touch your children's skin/hair without asking Angry

So YABU

StupidFlanders · 13/10/2013 08:54

I think mumsyblouse sums it up for me. I have never felt uncomfortable by anyone asking and my dcs will happily tell people too.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 08:58

I hope you see now OP that people who have actually experienced this first hand (as in about them, not only their kids) fucking hate it.
So YAstillBU - listen to us.

Actually there have been a lot of different opinions, some people don't like it, others don't mind and some like it.

And listen to your kids in future if they ever report this to you

Umm, thanks for that piece of parenting advice, I will definitely now consider listening to my children.

don't just dismiss it by saying how lucky they are they don't burn in the sun and how proud they should be! FFS.

'For fucks sake' what? For fucks sake it's not a good thing to be proud of their race or lucky they don't burn in the sun? Personally I don't think it's very lucky to burn in the sun. I think my DC have every right to be 'proud' of who they are.

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteisback · 13/10/2013 08:59

We have an exceedingly unusual albeit Northern English name and people ask where it's from all the time. I think they are taking an interest and am delighted they do so.

I really don't see how people asking about ethnicity is rude (I have one English grandparent and had a very unusual surname; as did my mother). People are interested; we were/are different and the answers are statements of fact.

I have never been embarassed about my names or my heritage - I have always been proud of them and always been happy to share them.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:02

I have never been asked if anyone could touch DD's hair, or my other DC with straight hair. Lots of people touch my other DC's blonde curls though, they seem to like the fact his hair is curly, it feels nice.

OP posts:
Bigcupoftea · 13/10/2013 09:05

YABU

There is a big difference between living abroad and still identifying as british and to therefore, not mind being pigeonholed as british and on the other hand, being born and brought up in Britain and being constantly asked 'where are you from?, especially if I answer with where I live/or where I was born, I always get 'no, where are you from originally?' I think a lot of people asking these questions do not believe people who are mixed race or of indian heritage etc, are not British.

GoshAnneGorilla · 13/10/2013 09:18

YABU. Also there is a difference in what's being implied with the "unusual but British surname" and "but where are you REALLY from?".

People may identify/relate to their ethnic background in different ways too.

There's also the issue of people feeling free to give you their (unwanted) opinions about your ethnicity/country of origin.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:19

But there is a difference in someone asking what your ethnicity is and asking where you're from (i.e assuming you're not British) albeit a subtle one.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:23

GoshAnneGorilla - There's also the issue of people feeling free to give you their (unwanted) opinions about your ethnicity/country of origin

I disagree. I was often mistaken for being Scandinavian while abroad and spoken to in Norwegian or Swedish, I didn't mind at all.
Whilst in Japan people often assumed I was Russian, I'm not but it was a conversation opener.

OP posts:
chibi · 13/10/2013 09:23

it helps reinforce the idea that for some people, it will never matter whether they were born here, have ancestors here for generations,they will never belong, or be really british

there is a real difference to being awayfrom your country and asked about your unusual accent, and being in your hometown and asked where are you from. no really, where? no, before that? hmm. what about your parents? ad infinitum

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:25

In fact when I was younger I remember an English person telling me I didn't look English and that I looked French... I was quite baffled but also admittedly quite pleased.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:27

But why is it a negative thing not not be 100% ethnically British, if there even is such a thing as ethnically British? I don't think that it means you 'don't belong' at all.

OP posts:
curlew · 13/10/2013 09:30

I just can't see why anyone would ask unless it came up in conversation. And the "where are you from?" question a propos nothing is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to start.

My grandmother, who would be 120 if she was still alive used to say "Don't ask personal questions". I used to think she was so Victorian and old fashioned. I think I am turning into her.......

GoshAnneGorilla · 13/10/2013 09:32

Flobber - let me spell it out to you, it's different if you're not white.

The reaction you get as someone vaguely white European is not the same reaction my DH gets as someone who's Middle Eastern.

And no, that is me having a chip on my shoulder, seeing problems where there are none, or whatever other bingo card phrases people usually say whenever you point out that racism exists.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:34

People are often interested, I think it's human nature, they are not being malicious, they may just want to get to know you better, I don't see that as a bad thing.

OP posts:
chibi · 13/10/2013 09:35

can you really not emapathise with how it might feel for a person of colour to have a conversation like

where are you from
wolverhampton
no really, before that
uhhhh dudley
no i mean your parents, where were they from?
etc etc etc

can you really not see how the subtext is 'you can't really be from the midlands. not really. you are clearly foreign'. can you really see how that effectively says 'you don't belong'?

it really is not the same as when people hear my canadian accent, and think i might be american.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:37

GoshAnneGorilla - Do you mean your DH doesn't like being asked his ethnicity because of peoples reaction when he tells them?

OP posts:
chibi · 13/10/2013 09:39

the cynic in me wants to sum up this thread with

white people have conclusively determined that actually it is not ofensive in tbe least to question strangers about their ethnicity, identity or citizenship status, and everyone else is just making an undue fuss about nothing Hmm

next up we will have men clarifying whether certain statements are misogynist, and some heterosexual people setting once and for all what is homophobia.

Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:39

chibi -

Yes I can see that would be really annoying, absolutely, I'm not disputing that at all but that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people asking what ethnicity my DD is.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlobberWobber · 13/10/2013 09:42

chibi - white people have conclusively determined that actually it is not ofensive in tbe least to question strangers about their ethnicity, identity or citizenship status
I really don't see my DD's ethnicity as something to shy away from or be offended by, people ask out of interest, often people who aren't white themselves Shock, yes, that is possible.

OP posts:
DrSeuss · 13/10/2013 09:42

A friend has five kids, all her husband's. Four are dark skinned which is to be expected as they are half Indian. One is blonde and fair skinned, like her.
I find it very rude of complete strangers in supermarkets to ask about this.

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