To think it's not UR to ask what ethnicity someone is?

[FlobberWobber]

To me, it's not rude, I lived abroad for 10 years and was often asked where I came from, it was just asked out of genuine interest.

DD is mixed race, my other DC aren't and I'm often asked in a round about way, " Oh wow, they look so different..." then I have to explain. I don't really mind. Yesterday someone said they had been dying to ask me what ethnicity DD was but thought they may sound rude, I've heard similar things said, but to me it's not rude at all to ask, aibu?

People are often intentionally abrasive.They hide it behind innocent sounding questions.Try being a white (yes!!) African with adopted black children.All the world over,even more so in Africa.

I think a lot of the people who feel the need to ask 'where are you from?' to somebody who doesn't look obviously English have limited understanding of the diversity in this country over the past decades.

While a lot of the older generations struggle with the concept of 2nd and 3rd generations of British born ethnicities, sometimes it's this attitude that well you don't look like one of us so you must naturally be from somewhere else that can be quite unpleasant if you are on the receiving end of it.

My DH is mixed oriental and doesn't mind telling people he is part Chinese but when people start saying well where were you born and he tells them his suburban English town and they start arguing saying, no where were you really born that it starts to grate on him a bit.

I must offend often going on this thread, when chatting to parents I don't know at toddler groups, etc I would always ask where are you from, just making conversation. Regardless of them being Black, White, Asian, having an accent.

I'm not from the town I live in, not many people are so I generally mean are you from the city, another county, town...

Iwant - you are still putting someone in the awkward situation of having to make their discomfort known. If you waited for the person to volunteer this information, the problem wouldn't arise.

Freud - if you google "where are you really from", you'll find a slew of USian websites with people saying they do find it intrusive. The link I posted upthread was written by an Australian and posted on a US website.

Is that not because they may be more vocal about beng asked

I am not suggesting someone should not be offended but there many people who are not and often I think it is about picking up on what people are really asking

I have not seen any of my family or my ex being offended and canrecall a timewhen my frimds have been that i am aware of what they are offended by is the questions that may follow especially my ex who is not only Muslim but an Arab too

People are naturally curious, we are quite closed in our society so asking as i said before could come across as intrusive rather than just curious

Igloo I think asking somebody if they are from the local area is different and quite inoffensive but asking whether a non-white looking person is in fact British because that's what the question 'where are you from' is actually alluding to can be construed as intrusive

I've given my painful experiences of this and I'm not British. I'm an immigrant and I mostly get asked by White British women who I've only just met and who like to use phrases "just asking", "just curious", "just have to ask". I don't think British people have any problem asking personal questions.

Maybe it was because I was raised abroad, but I really don't get people who think their curiosity is more important that people's right to privacy and respect. I despise having conversations derailed and difficult situations made worse, mostly by people who don't actually know me, to ask me about my personal history for no other reason that they are curious.

I happen to have a very painful personal history that is directly tied to my ethnicity, my people have a history of and currently dealing with genocide and I have had to repeatedly lie about my family visiting because if I say they've never done so in the over ten years I've lived here I get all the pity and horrendous comments - all tied to my ethnicity. I don't feel like talking about it to every person who crosses my path and there is no nice way to not to once someone puts their feelings of curiosity over my feelings and need for privacy. Double so because most Brits don't know American indigenous ethnicity very well so asking for my ethnicity typically ends up with me having to either give a history lesson or being rude and avoiding if I don't have the energy to play teacher for a stranger that day.

Btw on Mumsnet this morning I have read:

That it's good Malala didn't win the Nobel Prize as "she is a product of her culture".

And someone else pondering if black culture meant "guns and bling and bitches".

This in the supposedly educated environs of Mumsnet. There are a lot of ignorant and bigoted people out there.

GoshAnneGorilla - The comment actually read Well if you watch some of the music channels you would be forgiven for thinking it was about 'guns, bitches and bling' which it clearly isn't but the music industry like to promote this image

I think you're scraping the barrel with this one.

Personally, I find it scraping the barrel when people try to defend their actions on being "just naturally curious" when it results in people's pain. I've literally had medical procedures delayed because someone thought their medically unrelevant curiosity and interest in my family background was more important than the utter panic and needs at the time - their questions went on for ages while I was in fear for my life.

I'm very proud of my ethnicity, I just don't feel like explaining it and my life to everyone in every situation and feel people should respect that if I wanted to talk to them about it, I would bring it up myself - which I do often to those who I am close to because it is an important part of who I am. Thankfully, those close to me respect me enough to let me talk about it in my own time rather than placing their curiosity first.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy - I'm sorry being asked about your ethnicity causes you pain, that's awful, but I wouldn't say everyone finds it painful.
There are a few things that I find painful to discuss (divorce & being a single parent when DD was a baby, my weight) but that doesn't mean I'm against people asking, no one has ever asked maliciously.

I think it is up to a person to know rather than a person to ask.

I wouldn't want someone asking me things about myself that may or may not be sensitive, I would rather talk about them as I wished rather than someone else's curiosity.

"I must offend often going on this thread, when chatting to parents I don't know at toddler groups, etc I would always ask where are you from, just making conversation. Regardless of them being Black, White, Asian, having an accent. "

One of the arts of conversation is tact. Anybody who claims not to be able to see a difference between asking a black person and a white person where they are from is being disingenuous.

curlew & Igloofornow -

*I must offend often going on this thread, when chatting to parents I don't know at toddler groups, etc I would always ask where are you from, just making conversation. Regardless of them being Black, White, Asian, having an accent. "

One of the arts of conversation is tact. Anybody who claims not to be able to see a difference between asking a black person and a white person where they are from is being disingenuous*

Really? You wouldn't ask someone where they were from because they were black, but it's ok to ask if they're white? I'm from London originally and heard a black woman talking with a London accent at a toddler group once (we live pretty far from London) so asked where she was from. It turned out she is from very close to were I grew up. But clearly I'm a racist for asking

No. I said you would use tact.

And it was you mentioned racism. Interesting.

I don't think it's racist to ask someone where they're from, unless it's followed by " because it's time you went back there"

curlew - Why do you assume Igloo wouldn't use tact??

And why is it interesting to mention racism? I'm assuming that is what you were implying when you say there is a difference between asking a white person and a black person where they are from, in that it's not acceptable to ask a black person because it could be deemed racist? Or did you mean something else?

I assumed she didn't use tact because she said she would ask anyone where they were from.

And I wasn't talking about racism. I was talking about asking somebody personal questions that they might not wish to answer. If you're chatting to a black person with a London accent it's fine to ask what bit of London they are from, because you're basing the question on actual evidence that they are from London. As I said, I look and sound like a very posh white Englishwoman. Nobody would dream of asking me where I'm from originally as a conversational opener because they assume I am "from round here" But I am a first generation immigrant. Much less English than practically everyone else I know.

My DH is mixed oriental and doesn't mind telling people he is part Chinese but when people start saying well where were you born and he tells them his suburban English town and they start arguing saying, no where were you really born that it starts to grate on him a bit.

This is why many people take issue with being asked where you are from. The amount of times people have asked where I'm from London, no where are you really from, London. OK where is your mum from, London, no really... Until they find a relative who wasn't born here. Surely you can see that is an issue and unreasonable to ask.

Faithless12 - I agree, and have already said twice on this thread, that I think asking where someone is from when they are obviously English can be rude or just slightly clumsy, but annoying from the person being asked.

That is not what I asked in my original post though.

I am sorry you have come across so many tactless people TheS

Many people are not like this, again I think part of our culture our pretending we do not want to know makes us awkward with questions

No one should have to explain themselves but I just can not see how people being curious is wrong (i do not mean strangers passing in the street but someone you have struck up a conversation with) how they ask can be and when is appropriate I also do not feel anyone should have to answer not wanting or why it makes them feel uncomfortable

My dad is always asked now he lives in the us, he has lived there for years but people can not place his accent he happily tells them then if I am with him why I do not have the same accent or a us one. they come out without it without any hint of embarrassment I quite like they are so upfront

I suppose I would ask someone based on accent rather than looks, looks mean not a lot but an accent can pose questions.
Given the look my Romanian and Hungarian friends give when they are asked if they are p

Cont - Polish, I think people would rather be asked than have assumptions made!

Why is your curiosity so important that you'd risk hurting people and why have you equated being open to answering everyone's questions with being proud of their ethnicity. I'm very proud of who I am - I just don't think of myself as an open book there to educate everyone at their whims, I value myself more than that.

Intent doesn't really make it better, whether malicious or not it can cause harm - surely we should seek to do the least of and put the feelings of others before out own curiosity. None of the people who ask me do so maliciously - they just don't consider that their curiosity isn't enough for me to want to discuss my background or get into my personal history. People can handwave it away with apologies and excuses that no one else they know has ever minded, but really, they just want to do what they want to do and damn who gets hurt in the process. I have it happen all the time, if I try to deny someone their curiosity, I'm the bad guy, if I play along when I don't want to I'm just adding to my own misery and giving them an excuse to hurt others - there is no way I can win.

My impression of someone asking me such questions, particularly when it's off topic, is that they don't have a lot of respect for me and think little of my feelings or my privacy. You want to come across like that, that's your business, but I tend to avoid people like that as much as possible because I want to be around people who respect me and don't treat my personal background as an interesting story for their amusement.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy - Like I said, it's terrible so feel so much pain when someone asks your ethnicity, but lots of people don't and are happy to talk about their heritage.
I don't like being asked about divorce but I accept people will ask, I don't feel as though they disrespect me, just that they want to get to know me better.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy - I met a woman last week who was pregnant, I asked if it was her first baby and she said she had lost two babies previously, it was really sad and I felt terrible that I has asked.
My point is there are always going to be genuinely innocent questions that are upsetting for the person being asked.